Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Lost - your reply couldn't have been more timely for me. Thank you so much. I slept like complete crap last night cause I couldn't shut off my brain. I finally realized I didn't know how to react to two days in a row where the roller coaster didn't really go up or down...it just stayed kind of steady. I found myself impatient...patience is tough for me. The complete pullback is tough for me. I used to get a hug or two a day, mainly because I initiated. Then for a couple of days she initiated. Taking everyone's sound advice, I have stopped initiating completely, which now means I get nothing. The only thing I do is to make sure to say goodbye before I leave for work everyday (something I didn't always do in the past) just like I do with my kids and I make sure to say goodnight to her across the divide in the bed. The little things I can do that aren't pursuit that show mild change.

I did slip slightly last night in that I got annoyed. I was in the basement setting up the computer and told her I was going to bed. She said she was going to be up real soon. Well over an hour later and now late, she comes in. I'm a light sleeper so I woke up, couldn't fall back asleep and got a little annoyed at her slipping back into the late night routine like she promised herslef and me and really the kids she wouldn't do because it isn't healthy for any of us. She could tell I was annoyed and I had to make myself shut up, but she could tell. Was the first time since she'd returned that I hadn't been positive about everything. I lost my edge probably because I got woke up...and after that, I couldn't go back to sleep.

No she is not seeing this man physically. Its all computer and phone and one hell of a lot less than it was before I exposed it right before Christmas. He is literally thousands of miles away. Last time they physically saw each other was late July or early Aug unless there was a rendezvous between then and Oct but that is so highly unlikely, I'd say less than a 1% chance that there was something based on her work, our conversations while I was gone, and the phone records I have of calls/TMs between them.

This morning she noticed the cologne. She said "whats that smell" and I ignored it. Then she kept at it and said are you wearing that cologne now, and she walks into the bathroom and points to it (so she did notice). I said yes. She said why, and I said just cause I feel like it, I kind of like it, I get the impression you might hate it. W replies I don't hate it, then jokingly (or maybe not) asks are you trying to impress someone? I reply with a question: who would I be tyring to impress? her reply was I don't know and with that I walked out of the room. And you know what, I do kind of like it. It is a radical change for me and right now I like the change. I like how it makes me feel, I don't care if anyone else notices or not.

Interesting thoughts that I'm deeply thinking about with regards to no bun fight over the e-mail. One thing I have now figured out is that one of my theories on their contact is not accurate. I thought they were using google talk/google chat on the iphone--not so. Two nights in a row she has left her phone charging in our room when she heads to the basement to do work. Only one day in the last 2 weeks did she go to google talk on the iphone. So, it would have to be on home computer which would mean some awfully late nights for a lawyer with 3 kids and a wife based on time zone differences. And our work network people block that site from use...so I got to be back to thinking its e-mail and maybe a little chatting here and there with Yahoo or Skype. but she knows I'm onto the Yahoo and Skype...so it is risky...and W doesn't like risky.

[Lost Rabbit]

Well Im so glad I popped up at the right time lol!

Dont worry about your slip up, you didnt bite even if you looked and sounded a bit growly bear, she will understand she disturbed your sleep and just take it as that! You could however politely mention in passing that as agreed previously you'd rather she didnt make a habit of that, but do it with a big smile on your face!

On the cologne front hurrah she has finally realised but big 2 x 4 for saying you got the impression she didnt like it! You dont care what she thinks,remember youre doing it for you, and which ever impending hunny that notices other than your wife lol, you made it sound like if she didnt like it you'd change it! So now its been spotted more shopping for you is on the agenda how about some male beauty products, a nice facewash, facescrub and moisturiser if you dont use them.. Some nice casual shirts for the weekend maybe. Keep creating that air of mystery, MrGW is out and about and possibly available remember.

[gutwrenching]

HELP-HELP!!! This long and I am pouring my heart out here - I am a wave of emotions right now, but please read and advise.

I need to hear from some of you that know my sitch, some of the experts. I pray you are out there reading today and can chime in.

Latest shell shock. Job front. I am being pushed for the job that I briefly discussed yesterday on here. New twists though, this would mean that I would leave/move in mid to late February and W not until June. Now we have to have a future/M/R talk tonight.

I am not at all happy about this. I don't want this job -- will entail a lot of hours and will drive our timeline of figuring things out way down. W says to me that 8 or 9 months ago she would have been excited about this prospect (and the fact that we'd go to Hawaii if I get the job) but now, then she just kind of shrugs. She doesn't know what to think. For W, they are looking at 2 positions and asked her which she wanted and one of them involved a lot of travelling, so she said no to the travelling job.

I don't know how much I can say to her. What we agreed is that we need to digest this for rest of today and don't need to have those kinds of discussions at work. She said she would try hard not to bring any work home so we can talk about all this.
Crap, crap, crap. I know what I want to say, I want to say/ask can we work on piecing our way back to being excited. She probably knows this is what I want...it wasn't but mid Dec when I got out of the begging/pleading stages. Also, after I exposed the EA, I told her I was still willing to try to save our M if I could regain trust.

But I also don't think she's yet in a place where she even wants to work on us. I did tell her that I don't want this job, I enjoyed spending more time with the kids. She replied "they have really enjoyed it too," and I said "to an extent because they miss you."

All of a sudden we are going to have to have a future talk. Do we live together if this happens? Do we go apart? Not to mention the oh $hit in my mind of her being able to really stoke the EA if I am living in another state with a vast ocean between us for 3 1/2 to 4 months. Not to mention me potentially being distracted in a job I cannot afford to be distracted in and a job where I am going to want/need a support structure at home.

W already talked about the track this could put me on for the next few jobs and my reply was instant and from the heart, I said I don't want to be without the girls. She looked at me quizically so I had to connect the dots...with what she just described, W would probably not be able to follow along to same locations. She just gave me that look, that I don't know what to do or say or even think.

I guess I got the impression she wasn't 100% gone...don't know what percentage, but her mind was reeling too. But I know from her actions and from her comment that 8 or 9 months ago she would have been excited about this, and now she doesn't know....that she probably isn't at a place to think about piecing. I was reading body language. At first anger, which I had too. Then dejected and the whole time a lot of uncertainty and some sadness but overall uncertainty. I probably had the same body language, sad and uncertain. She did make one comment that our girls would love Hawaii.

There is also a fear of mine that with the job that she said she wanted that she could decide she could handle being a single parent. It is probably feasible. So then I'd be screwed into working long hours and possibly not having my kids nor my W around.

The optimistic part of me wants to think this could be the impetus for her to decide to start piecing, the realistic part of me says I don't know if she can get there since she hasn't let go of OM. And no, OM doesn't live in Hawaii (and he also doesn't live in the other location we would get moved too if this doesn't job doesn't happen).

Now this job is not a sure thing, but I will be on a short list of people being considered and I cannot say no to this. I am not being given a vote, I have asked.

Now what...what do I say tonight. What do I not say. Emotions are going to be riding high. I could even see the topic of the OM somehow surfacing in all this.

Any help/advice welcome. I will monitor as much as I can in case there are more questions. Sandi/Greek - if you are out there, what do you make of the 8 or 9 months ago I'd be excited. If she is a WAW, even 9 months ago she was not happy and contemplating leaving, so is it really a WAW or is it she is in love with OM or???

[rr22]

I only read some of your back situation, so I can't tell if W is in counseling or not. It seems if W agreed to go to individual counseling to discuss emotional affair and other issues on her own maybe you would feel more safe if you had to take a job elsewhere for awhile. These fantasy relationships seem to indicate people need to work on some individual and self esteem issues at times, right? Even if you fix your marriage and your R is perfect, she might still have mood or self esteem issues that she seeks to solve in that way if she doesn't take a good long look at herself, which you can't make her do. Now might not be the best time to bring it up either.

All I can say is be careful not to get in a big fight tonight. Seems emotions will be running so high you may have to set some time out ground rules or other tools in place for the big discussion. Can you have a somewhat time limited discussion in a public place? Sometimes that can help things from escalating.

[Lotus]

GW,

Stick with where you are. You have stated that it is your preference to reconcile, and you still believe that is the best outcome for your family, but you are not going to beg her. She will have to make up her own mind. Hawaii may be a very attractive thing to her. OM doesn't sound like a sure bet, so I wouldn't count you out yet. Stay confident. It sounds like you have a good future ahead of you. She may choose to be part of it.

[gutwrenching]

R22 and Lotus - thanks every bit helps.
She is not in counselling. MC nor IC right now (neither of us are). I brought it up right after the bomb was dropped, suggested MC, she wouldn't even consider it.

I am not worried about a fight. These discussions for us won't lead to a fight. We don't fight very often.

I have a bright future but at this point not one i want. Among other things, I let my work take a backseat to W and i don't want to do that again. W has a good future too, maybe not as bright as mine but very respectable. For the longest time, she used to dream and talk about how she would stop working and follow me around on this bright path, but no more, she is now worried about her own career because she had decided to leave me.

Any other thoughts? Do I mention MC or no? Do I offer to myself go to IC? Do I use words like "I am not going to beg you to work on reconciling, you have to make up your own mind"...that actually right now seems like a decent phrase to use.

Thank you for talking to me, my world just got rocked today.

[Lotus]

I think you mean beg. And yes, I think that is the right approach. You are moving along to a bright future and you would like to share it with her. But you are not begging her. She needs to do it as a willing partner. There's a wonderful future out there, and you will enjoy it with or without her.

[gutwrenching]

R22 - I hear what you say about IC, but my WAW of course blames me for driving her to see if there something better out there. For being so emotionally absent that she needed to see if she deserved better. That is her state of mind, not that there is anything wrong with her, at least not that I've ever heard nor seen from her.

[Lotus]

I know at this point she is not considering reconciling. But things can change. If she does choose to go with you, you might consider a Retrouvaille weekend rather than MC. It is a very concentrated program for changing your communication with your partner. You don't have months to devote to MC. You could get a lot out of one weekend with this program, and if you can continue with the 6 follow-up sessions, so much the better. If not, the weekend is a wonderful experience all by itself. See www.helpourmarriage.org for more information.

[gutwrenching]

Lotus/Others - How about this for words: "This job is setting me up for an interesting future with all kinds of opportunities for us as a family. I would like you to share it with me, I want the girls to share it with me and with both of us, that is how they prefer things. But you have to do it as a willing partner, willing to try to piece things back together one day at a time."

Retrouvaille looks great...big if she is willing to attend...big if on what she might say to me tonight. I have no idea if she is willing to work on us

EVERYONE ELSE - PLEASE, PLEASE read back a couple of posts, I need your help today more than ever before. thanks!