Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

HELP-HELP!!! This long and I am pouring my heart out here - I am a wave of emotions right now, but please read and advise.

I need to hear from some of you that know my sitch, some of the experts. I pray you are out there reading today and can chime in.

Latest shell shock. Job front. I am being pushed for the job that I briefly discussed yesterday on here. New twists though, this would mean that I would leave/move in mid to late February and W not until June. Now we have to have a future/M/R talk tonight.

I am not at all happy about this. I don't want this job -- will entail a lot of hours and will drive our timeline of figuring things out way down. W says to me that 8 or 9 months ago she would have been excited about this prospect (and the fact that we'd go to Hawaii if I get the job) but now, then she just kind of shrugs. She doesn't know what to think. For W, they are looking at 2 positions and asked her which she wanted and one of them involved a lot of travelling, so she said no to the travelling job.

I don't know how much I can say to her. What we agreed is that we need to digest this for rest of today and don't need to have those kinds of discussions at work. She said she would try hard not to bring any work home so we can talk about all this.
Crap, crap, crap. I know what I want to say, I want to say/ask can we work on piecing our way back to being excited. She probably knows this is what I want...it wasn't but mid Dec when I got out of the begging/pleading stages. Also, after I exposed the EA, I told her I was still willing to try to save our M if I could regain trust.

But I also don't think she's yet in a place where she even wants to work on us. I did tell her that I don't want this job, I enjoyed spending more time with the kids. She replied "they have really enjoyed it too," and I said "to an extent because they miss you."

All of a sudden we are going to have to have a future talk. Do we live together if this happens? Do we go apart? Not to mention the oh $hit in my mind of her being able to really stoke the EA if I am living in another state with a vast ocean between us for 3 1/2 to 4 months. Not to mention me potentially being distracted in a job I cannot afford to be distracted in and a job where I am going to want/need a support structure at home.

W already talked about the track this could put me on for the next few jobs and my reply was instant and from the heart, I said I don't want to be without the girls. She looked at me quizically so I had to connect the dots...with what she just described, W would probably not be able to follow along to same locations. She just gave me that look, that I don't know what to do or say or even think.

I guess I got the impression she wasn't 100% gone...don't know what percentage, but her mind was reeling too. But I know from her actions and from her comment that 8 or 9 months ago she would have been excited about this, and now she doesn't know....that she probably isn't at a place to think about piecing. I was reading body language. At first anger, which I had too. Then dejected and the whole time a lot of uncertainty and some sadness but overall uncertainty. I probably had the same body language, sad and uncertain. She did make one comment that our girls would love Hawaii.

There is also a fear of mine that with the job that she said she wanted that she could decide she could handle being a single parent. It is probably feasible. So then I'd be screwed into working long hours and possibly not having my kids nor my W around.

The optimistic part of me wants to think this could be the impetus for her to decide to start piecing, the realistic part of me says I don't know if she can get there since she hasn't let go of OM. And no, OM doesn't live in Hawaii (and he also doesn't live in the other location we would get moved too if this doesn't job doesn't happen).

Now this job is not a sure thing, but I will be on a short list of people being considered and I cannot say no to this. I am not being given a vote, I have asked.

Now what...what do I say tonight. What do I not say. Emotions are going to be riding high. I could even see the topic of the OM somehow surfacing in all this.

Any help/advice welcome. I will monitor as much as I can in case there are more questions. Sandi/Greek - if you are out there, what do you make of the 8 or 9 months ago I'd be excited. If she is a WAW, even 9 months ago she was not happy and contemplating leaving, so is it really a WAW or is it she is in love with OM or???