Willaij, thank you. It' helps to know that people can change, and that change can take a long time. It's tough that the things we need from the other might be the hardest things for them to do.
My H seems to be soaking in the MC ideas too - he hasn't come as far as you but yesterday he said things like "I'm not interested in assigning blame, I just want to understand what happens because I don't understand where we get stuck" and "I'm just talking from my experience, you can talk from yours" thing like that - he's really trying.
rr22 you hit the nail on the head. I am so attuned to my H's feelings that I go up and down with him. I'm working on it. I'm terrible at detachment. I had a really emotionally unstable mom and I've learned to always have my feelers out so that I can walk on eggshells. It's a self destructive pattern, but one I've been trained to do.
I'm working really hard on not reacting negatively to what H feels, says, does. STaying positive about myself instead of feeling I need validation from him. In other words, if he seems to reject me, I need to not take it personally, and let myself know H needs to handle his own feelings. rr22, I think your H needs this too!
H4L: You said "But H wants to look back to understand the patterns and the core issues, so I've agreed to it."
Does he seem almost obsessed with this to the extent of nursing past wounds and not wanting to step into the present and future? If so, why do you think this is?
Well I'm not sure and this is a great question. Sometimes I think he is blaming - an excuse to not look at himself. He is blaming me because he said "You acted inappropriately and I stooped to your level." And, "We only stopped arguing because I left and I got you to stop." Later he did admit that his reaction didn't help in those early days because he was telling me I was inappropriate and that he perhaps could have handled my acting out better. So that's encouraging and I want to explore that more - that makes it less about me and more about our interaction, and possibly be worked on in the future.
Then I fear he is blaming the past because he has said, "We had destructive patterns from the start and they stuck and grew because I learned to expect them." I'd rather hear him say he'd like to work on changing them but I'm not sure if he is willing.
The MC validated that many couples set a destructive pattern early on and the only way to change it is to own your part in it and stop blaming the other. I hope my H can do this. I just don't know if he can or if he's still stuck in: "it's always been this way so it will always be this way" - as he has been saying.
Sometimes I think he's open to changing the future because he IS in MC, even though he's not stated it. I've only heard he wants to "understand" what happens in our destructive dance. We both FEAR it can't change, but I would really like to hear the words that I'm worth it to try to change. I have not heard this yet, but I do think I see glimpses of it. There have been baby steps but I still don't trust him.
H4L he is there in MC at the moment, celebrate that and dont look for the downsides of him being there, because if youre looking for the downsides again your tantamount to treading on your eggshells which you are NOT going to do!
I cant quite put this into words so bear with me, I wonder if you fear something is it because of where youve been or where its going.. It could be either or a combination of both.. H fears going back to panicky H4L but the fear of going forward to H4L? I wonder is it bigger or smaller, personally I'd say smaller because you cant be worse than before or can you? lol
The one thing people on here dont get it is you need time, nothing happens over night, people want it too but it wont, my sitch is probably considered speedy and maybe so for Rocked, but that was still four months odd to get where we are, if the cause of discontent was bigger than say someone elses its going to take longer, someone on here once said it takes a month for every year of marriage to get back to the starting point, good job I was a speedy one I have died waiting for H to come back after thirty odd months lol! Ooh where did that all come from I dunno?
Keep looking forward to where you want things to get too and pray your socks off while youre at it!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Thank you for sharing this. Our H's blame attitudes are very similar. Except mine says he's not blaming because he has realized it is wrong to blame and he wants me not to. Then he only owns up to a few things out loud and goes on to point out long long lists of all my flaws as if two people did not participate in certain past interactions. I am wondering if I will always have to shoulder the burden of the blame and just accept that. There seems to be no way to go back in time and accurately determine blame percentages. Each person can just own up to negative or unhelpful behaviors and seek to change them today.
You said: We both FEAR it can't change, but I would really like to hear the words that I'm worth it to try to change. I have not heard this yet, but I do think I see glimpses of it. There have been baby steps but I still don't trust him.
I'm sure you're worth it. He may just have a hopefulness and positive outlook problem at this time.
I'll be the one that skews that timeline out further for others. Married 5 years 11 months when he moved out and now in the beginning stages of piecing 4.5 years later. You *don't* want to follow my timeline!
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Married 5 years 11 months when he moved out and now in the beginning stages of piecing 4.5 years later. You *don't* want to follow my timeline!