I read this earlier today and thought it summarized my sitch pretty well (maybe others too). As far as I can tell, I am only meeting one of her needs, that is the father of her children.
"When you are meeting some of her needs, and her lover is meeting others, she has the best of both worlds, at your expense. Your total disengagement from her will break the deadlock and will give her lover a chance to win her over. Let him try to meet the needs that you were meeting. If he succeeds, your marriage will be over. But if he fails, which is the usual outcome, it gives your wife a chance to test the permanence of her relationship with him. When he's faced with meeting all of her needs, he may not be able to meet those you have been meeting."
DW, Insightful to say the least, I guess that is the crux of the matter, is totally letting go but it is exponentially harder with children. The WAW knows you will still act to protect your children mentally, physically and emotionally, for most mothers that is huge need and we are meeting it like champions. All the other needs she has can much more easily be met without the pressure of children, which in IMHO, children trigger the downward spiral of most of the marriages of the people on these boards. Not saying that kids are bad but they can take the focus off the spouse and God. God does have a priority list for families, yet we tend to totally flip it around. God says, put Him first, your spouse second, and then your children. All too often we put prioritize our lives in this order, Work, children, ourselves, spouse, God. Once it gets to the point where we are at it is hard to get it back in order w/o a willing partner. Dark words from me, I know, just some days I am not sure if what I am doing is the right thing to get it back on track.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
"When you are meeting some of her needs, and her lover is meeting others, she has the best of both worlds, at your expense. Your total disengagement from her will break the deadlock and will give her lover a chance to win her over. Let him try to meet the needs that you were meeting. If he succeeds, your marriage will be over. But if he fails, which is the usual outcome, it gives your wife a chance to test the permanence of her relationship with him. When he's faced with meeting all of her needs, he may not be able to meet those you have been meeting."
Good stuff. This is akin to allowing her to face the ramifications of her decisions. She does not get to keep you and have someone else as well.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
Had an interesting conversation with the W this morning when she was picking up the kids. She asked me if she could come by the house sometime when the kids and I were not around so she could pick-up the rest of her belongings. I asked her why she did not want us around for that and she said she did not want it to effect the kids. I told her she had already moved out and that her grabbing the rest of her stuff and would not mean much to the kids, so I told her no, that I wanted to be around. She did not understand it nor did she like it but I stayed firm.
We then talked a little about a couple of boundary issus that I needed (more distance and house access) and somehow got into a R discussion, but it was not typical of our past conversations. It was civil and nice. How did we get into this terrible spot...we use to be so happy (her comment). I gave her a couple of my theories and she agreed. I even told her that I understand why she is doing what she is doing and that I even repsect the fact that she wants be happy (but that I would not support it). I laid it on pretty thick at times but not in a guilty or crtical manner i.e, that I could not date right now becuase we are still married and I would feel like I was betraying the kids. I know, I probably should not have said this...but she seemed to understand it. We ended the discussion on a friendly note (she said she was talking to her sister and telling her what a wonderful father I am) and then I shook her hand, which through her off a little, and said thanks for the discussion.
I know this does not change anything (as far as I can tell she is in love with OM) but it was at least nice to get both perspectives on things in a calm and civil manner. I felt more like two adults talking versus H and W. She also mentioned she is going to start IC to help her get over a couple of things that happend in the past. I supported this. This is a change for her and I hope she follows through with it for her own sake.
Very insightful post yesterday. It helps me feel better about moving forward with my situation. I can only hope that OM fails.
MSH,
Quote:
All too often we put prioritize our lives in this order, Work, children, ourselves, spouse, God.
I couldn't agree move. IMHO this priority order why the downfall of my R/M.
DW,
Quote:
She did not understand it nor did she like it but I stayed firm.
I think this was the best thing you could do personally. I know that I want to be in the house when my W moves out. I will also have in the move-out agreement that once she is out the locks are getting changed.
It also shows your W that you will not roll over at any request and have no issue standing up for what you believe in.
Also great to hear the conversation went well and was civil.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
When we had our "nice" discussion yesterday, one of the things I brought up was my need for individualism and my desire to sever the R as much as possible because I want to focus on myself and my new life. (I said all of this in a nice, confident and respectful way.) She was worried that meant I no longer wanted to be friends with her. My response was that we realy never talk or do anything togther and that is not really friendship. We are getting a D and it is what it is. I did not tell her I do not want to be friends but just implied D and friendship are really not compatable, at least in my sitch.
I guess what I did was outline some more strigent boundaries and expectations that I have and how I want our R to be...friendly and respectful.
So she comes over tonight to pick up the kids. We had a brief discussion about the kid exchange and then she asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with her and the kids...What the hell!!!
They just do not seem to get it. They want our friendship to make them feel better about all their bad behaviors. Are they looking for forgivess from the one's they are hurting? or are they just so shallow and single minded at this point in the game they do not have a clue what they are doing? Then again, maybe I'm over anlyzing the crap out of this and she just wanted me around to fulfill her family need.
DW, OMG!!! You hit the nail on the head and she totally validated what you said. What did you do? Did you go with them? I know it would have been tempting, oh another thing, did she ask in front of the kids so as to make you look bad if you declined?
I know we are not supposed to tell them what they have done or are doing but at some point is it okay to say in a polite calm manner.
"Wife, we were married for X number of years, have two beautiful kids, a nice house, etc. and you were unhappy, unfulfilled, un whatever, had an affair, left me wrecked our family......(hell we could all do this speech in our sleep).......I am curious, why would you think that I would want to be your friend? seriously?
Pop a beer for me Bro, cheers!!!
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
My H does this as well, infact just yesterday "do you want to go out to dinner (w our son)? Most of the time I think with my husband it's his way of not feeling guilty about what's he's done or a temporary fix to keep us happy. Nonetheless it's confusing and feels like a I want my cake and eat it too.
My H last night asked if I wanted a hug, massage, to be honest...didn't even know how to react to that??? Then on my way out the door with my son he slaps my butt. I was sorta weirded out. WTH?
MSH, I did not go (as much as I wanted too)...and she did not ask in front of the kids. She is almost desperate to remain friends so she can feel better about herself, and it is on the verge of being pathetic.
Nik, I agree completely, it is cake eating and I refuse to let it happen. I am not going to give her the benfit of feeling good about her actions by supporting some facade of normalcy.
I would have told your H your butt is no longer his for the slapping and to keep his hands to himself (not familiar with your sitch though).
