It's really hard when H moves stuff out of our home. He's been taking his books away box by box, and today he asked to take 2 of our tall bookshelves. Not the behaviour of someone in a trial separation .
Part of me is feeling more detached from H today. Seeing how little we've had together for quite a while now, as much as I wished for more.
The other part of me is filled with horror at what this is doing to our children. It stabs me through the heart to see their distress, distress that they don't have the words to express. H is protecting himself from consciously recognizing what this is doing to them. As imperfect as our M is, being an intact family is what's best for our children, esp. at their current stages. The mama bear part of me would do anything to make this M work.
I'm struggling with the concept of GAL. I already have a life! Unfortunately, it's not one that is validated by society or financially rewarded. I'm acutely aware that my daily activities of homeschooling, nurturing my children, providing nutritious meals, scrubbing toilets, researching educational and health interventions, etc. are not seen as cool, or sexy, or interesting by most. Is that my problem or other people's problem? Am I who I am or what I do? I'd love to go out running or cross-country skiing tomorrow when I have some child-free time, but instead I'm planning to earn some money to pay off my giant credit card balance that came from H's business follies.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
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