Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[OnceBurdened]

I was born in Minnesota and grew up in Chicago, so I know what you mean!

GO BEARS, ( & everybody that plays the Cowboys)

HALAS is A legend!

Just wanted to chime in, on that point.

[MichelleLT]

I totally understand multiple As being a complete dealbreaker for you. It's the most traumatic thing a partner can do. It took me a long time to even figure out if I could learn how to forgive it.

No one here will blame you if you are done.

Use the time left in your deployment to not think about it.

If you are still certain when you go home, if your W has not managed to take actions that convince you things could be better than they were before if you give her another chance, then finish it.

But never stop working on yourself.

[OnceBurdened]

SD,

I will tell you there is a whole wonderful world full of true friends out there.

Please understand you are doing the right things for yourself and kiddo's. They will understand soon enough.

Sounds like to me your on the right path. You will get there and you will surprise yourself when you walk it and talk it. The first couple of times it happened to me I looked back on it and said - " I GET IT "

You will to- Stay Strong Bro.

[bluerain]

Hi SD. I totally understand where you are right now. I got there myself, and its kind of a strange place to be. Dont be surprised if now that you have become the WAS she starts to act like you did in the beginning! It seems like when we get to this point is right when they start coming around. If my H came to me tomorrow about reconciliation, I dont think that I would be interested! I cant say for sure that I wouldnt, but I really dont think that I would entertain the idea.

I think that at this point you have to be strong and stay true to your boundaries, if she is able to be respectful and do the work on her en, who knows what will happen, but right now, your focus has to be you, your future, and your kids future.

CG, I agree with what you said about having more faith in marriage now- yes this process sucked, but I too feel like I have a better idea of how to make it work!

[SoldierDad]

Quick update.

Haven't had any contact with W since Tuesday last week-that was about a bill. I am doing very well, GAL, Detached, LIVING.

I feel as if I am almost detached completely. I said last week that I was done, and I still feel that way.

I didn't think I would ever get to this point, but I have.

The angst, the dread, the constant pulling me back into the sitch, are gone. I don't LIVE for contact with her.

One of the great things that happened to me through this process is that I am now a WAS. I dropped the rope and began living. Now, to be honest, my W hasn't become a LBS. She is still in WAS mode, and you know what? I'm good with it. I KNOW now that I will survive this painful process, and as a matter of fact, I will THRIVE through it.

I have come to the conclusion that the most successful way to get through this process is to become a WAS. Turn it right back around. BECOME a WAS. No matter what it takes. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how strange it feels. No matter how much your instincts tell you to keep begging, pleading, crying, sniveling, belly aching - IT DOESN'T WORK!

Become what your WAS is. Not mean, or nasty, or spiteful. Rather, what you should exude is this: YOU ARE JUST FINE WITH THEIR DECISION. Fine, no problem, GO, I'm gonna be just fine without you. And then DO IT. Lovingly DETACH.

It's easy to say it. It's easy to write it here on these boards. But for your own self-preservation, your own self-worth, your own dignity, you MUST DO IT.

If you can somehow conjure up the cajones to do it, you WILL thrive through your sitch.

THIS Soldier chooses to LIVE!!!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Amen!!!

You sound great, SD!

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

Thanks Puppy!!!

I honestly owe it all to the wonderful people on this board. Without the outpouring of advice, and encouragement, I never would have gotten to this point.

I pray that anyone that comes to the board listens, and executes violently, what advice they are given-IT WORKS!!

I am LIVING!!!!!

Forgot to add: GO VIKINGS!!!!! SKOL VIKINGS!!!!!!

[Super Girl]

You sound like you are doing really well, SD. I'm happy for you.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yeah, "GO VIKINGS!" I'm just hoping Lord Favre doesn't have one of his classic post-season "brain-fart" moments, and throw a pick at a key time. He's SO due for that, but then again I've been saying that all season, and he's played really smart.

Puppy

[Gnosis]

Hey SD, it's good to hear you're doing well! No 2x4's from me!

Positive Notes:

I am doing very well,

• GAL
• Detached
• LIVING

Keep working on these and don't forget to do them.

I said last week that I was done, and I still feel that way.

I remember some of the controversy this caused. I didn't have a chance to comment then, but I support your decision and your reasoning. You have decided that this is what is BEST FOR YOU. What people can do is offer an alternative viewpoint so you can reach an informed decision -- then from there we have to respect it.

The angst, the dread, the constant pulling me back into the sitch, are gone. I don't LIVE for contact with her.

Co-dependent no more. One of the most important lessons that every LBS can learn is that our world is NOT defined by our WAS. We define our world and WE choose who can and can't live in it - as well as - who is allowed to influence us.

One of the great things that happened to me through this process is that I am now a WAS.

In your situation this is the BEST thing you could have done.

Steps to success:

• I dropped the rope
• began living.
• I KNOW now that I will survive this painful process,
• and as a matter of fact, I will THRIVE through it.

Take these words and write them down on a small card. Put that card in your wallet and commit them to heart.

I have come to the conclusion that the most successful way to get through this process is to become a WAS. Turn it right back around. BECOME a WAS. No matter what it takes. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how strange it feels. No matter how much your instincts tell you to keep begging, pleading, crying, sniveling, belly aching - IT DOESN'T WORK!

Become what your WAS is. Not mean, or nasty, or spiteful. Rather, what you should exude is this: YOU ARE JUST FINE WITH THEIR DECISION. Fine, no problem, GO, I'm gonna be just fine without you. And then DO IT. Lovingly DETACH.

It's easy to say it. It's easy to write it here on these boards. But for your own self-preservation, your own self-worth, your own dignity, you MUST DO IT.

As the tenets of DB say... DO WHAT WORKS.

THIS Soldier chooses to LIVE!!!

And that is the best thing that can come out of this. On that note, some words of caution:

• Keep rebuilding yourself. This is why I told you before that you are in an ideal situation at the moment via forced distance. Make the best use of the time given you and keep working on yourself.
• Take time to recover. You've been wounded and in a field-hospital. You're healing your broken spirit and rebuilding your self-esteem.
• Remember your purpose.

Keep up the great PMA. Make it a permanent part of your mindset. When you get back home you're going to need all the strength you've got. You will be thrown back into the thick of things. Remember your lifelines and use the tools you have been given.