Well I'm not sure and this is a great question. Sometimes I think he is blaming - an excuse to not look at himself. He is blaming me because he said "You acted inappropriately and I stooped to your level." And, "We only stopped arguing because I left and I got you to stop." Later he did admit that his reaction didn't help in those early days because he was telling me I was inappropriate and that he perhaps could have handled my acting out better. So that's encouraging and I want to explore that more - that makes it less about me and more about our interaction, and possibly be worked on in the future.
Then I fear he is blaming the past because he has said, "We had destructive patterns from the start and they stuck and grew because I learned to expect them." I'd rather hear him say he'd like to work on changing them but I'm not sure if he is willing.
The MC validated that many couples set a destructive pattern early on and the only way to change it is to own your part in it and stop blaming the other. I hope my H can do this. I just don't know if he can or if he's still stuck in: "it's always been this way so it will always be this way" - as he has been saying.
Sometimes I think he's open to changing the future because he IS in MC, even though he's not stated it. I've only heard he wants to "understand" what happens in our destructive dance. We both FEAR it can't change, but I would really like to hear the words that I'm worth it to try to change. I have not heard this yet, but I do think I see glimpses of it. There have been baby steps but I still don't trust him.
