Don't know where to post this.

[TrentC]

This sounds extremely positive.

Has she asked you what it will take to work things out? Has she proposed counseling?

[loveherstill]

TrentC,

She has not asked yet what it will take to work it out. She is talking about steps she will need to take if she gets to the point she wants to work things out.

She has listed friends that were enemies of the marriage that need to be thrown under the bus and has started to slowly distance herself from them.

She has not checked her voicemail on her phone since Jan 14th.

She has started to ignore OM some but they still communicate through text (she is spending more time talking to other friends than OM)

She has stated that she will have to change phone numbers and give up her private phone.

She knows most of what to do, but she is talking about it more lately. I listen and validate.

She has IC scheduled for Feb 3rd (first appointment) and we have MC scheduled for Jan 26th (4th appointment).

[TrentC]

It sounds like you are on the right track.

Now you need to be patient and watch the changes that she is making.

When it comes down to it, she knows that she will have to give OM up for good at some point. The MC and the IC will both tell her this.

[loveherstill]

She just called and said S4 got sick at school and she came home with him. He attends the Preschool she works at. She was very friendly and upbeat and wanted to visit for a minute. I listened we shared a laugh or two and then I told her I had to get back to what I was doing and hung up the phone.

She is initiating quite a bit of contact at the moment and I am not falling all over myself for her.

I have started to act confident again. I have told her how I feel and given her the email that was posted earlier. Those things do not need to be said again.

I am only acting confident in my ability to be ok with or without her and she is beginning pursuit.

I will not ignore her but I will not fall all over myself for her either. Kind, loving, but confident in myself is what I am going for right now and she is pursuing me.

I still need to keep from hitting her too hard until her Feb 3rd IC date as right now she is exited to begin and I don't want her to back out.

Any thoughts on this course of action?

[Steve McQueen]

I have told her that happiness comes from within and external validation cannot create true happiness.

How great a difference is there between this true internal happiness and the faux externally validated happiness?

How does one achieve true happiness from within? and how does one maintain it? or validate that it is really coming from within and not from something a simple as a childrens smile?

I am trying to get her to see the good about herself and use that to balance the bad so that she may start to be happy about herself again.

But isnt it a hell of alot easier to run to another man to feel good about oneself? and quick too (with the praises, the compliments, the attention) with that comes happiness? no need to balance anything no need to try. How are YOU getting her to realize the good in herself and "balance" it with the bad?

Just Curious, because she hasnt given up the other man.
you are ok with that?

[loveherstill]

Steve,

I am not ok with the OM being there and I have let it be known. She feels very guilty when she sees or talks to OM and I believe that is why she is starting to ignore him again.

She reminds me of a junkie. She feels angry after we have an argument, she looks for a fix to make her feel better (talking to or seeing OM), he tells her she is good and just, she leaves or hangs up on OM, reality sets in and she feels guilty about getting her 'high'.

This comes from her observed behavior. I am counting on the IC to help her with her external validation issue. It is not until she learns to validate and value herself that she will be happy. Until she is happy with herself she is not much good to me.

Running to OM makes her feel good for a short period of time and after that wears off she feels the guilt and has said on numerous occasions that she is worthless and no man should want her because she is a cheat.

This is for the IC to help her with.

I am beginning to be happy again and what it took for me was to realize my issues that need work and to begin working on them. Also realizing that I had been unpleasant to be around for my family and friends. I have been changing these attitudes and habits and giving more of myself to my family and my friends. When I do this I see their happiness and it makes me feel good about me.

This is the way my wife used to be and she is hurting because she is missing the feeling of self worth.

True internal happiness (and it took several months to learn) comes from admitting your faults and working on them and being kind and loving to others. You recieve that witch you give. For so long I gave grief and anger. No more.

I know that W sees and knows the difference as she pops out of the fog every so often.

I am still a work in progress and I have backslid several times and when I do, like a groundhog, my wife scrabbles back to the fog.

I need to work more on consistent.

[loveherstill]

I do appreciate the 2X4's. Latest one from Steve McQueen. Most hard hitting and probably true from Sandi2.

I just wish that I was in the room with some of you so that these 2X4's would be real. I seem to need them.

I said in the beginning that I would need several and you guys have provided.

Don't give up on me. I am listening. Just a little slow on the uptake.

[MichelleLT]

You are right that you need to be consistent.

You are taking a good approach.

Be prepared for the long haul.

Her issues WILL NOT FIX THEMSELVES OVERNIGHT.

It will take time and consequences.

She will probably backslide on occasions. She will probably spew at you on occasion.

It's not all uphill from here. Just a friendly reality check.

[loveherstill]

Long haul it is Michelle. I think that true forward progress will not happen until she start IC on Feb 3rd

[MichelleLT]

True progress for her will start when she has her self-realizations. IC can help with that. It will probably take a few sessions to really hit her though.

This is something she has to do for herself.

I know you are doing MC, are you doing IC as well?