Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Lost - your reply couldn't have been more timely for me. Thank you so much. I slept like complete crap last night cause I couldn't shut off my brain. I finally realized I didn't know how to react to two days in a row where the roller coaster didn't really go up or down...it just stayed kind of steady. I found myself impatient...patience is tough for me. The complete pullback is tough for me. I used to get a hug or two a day, mainly because I initiated. Then for a couple of days she initiated. Taking everyone's sound advice, I have stopped initiating completely, which now means I get nothing. The only thing I do is to make sure to say goodbye before I leave for work everyday (something I didn't always do in the past) just like I do with my kids and I make sure to say goodnight to her across the divide in the bed. The little things I can do that aren't pursuit that show mild change.

I did slip slightly last night in that I got annoyed. I was in the basement setting up the computer and told her I was going to bed. She said she was going to be up real soon. Well over an hour later and now late, she comes in. I'm a light sleeper so I woke up, couldn't fall back asleep and got a little annoyed at her slipping back into the late night routine like she promised herslef and me and really the kids she wouldn't do because it isn't healthy for any of us. She could tell I was annoyed and I had to make myself shut up, but she could tell. Was the first time since she'd returned that I hadn't been positive about everything. I lost my edge probably because I got woke up...and after that, I couldn't go back to sleep.

No she is not seeing this man physically. Its all computer and phone and one hell of a lot less than it was before I exposed it right before Christmas. He is literally thousands of miles away. Last time they physically saw each other was late July or early Aug unless there was a rendezvous between then and Oct but that is so highly unlikely, I'd say less than a 1% chance that there was something based on her work, our conversations while I was gone, and the phone records I have of calls/TMs between them.

This morning she noticed the cologne. She said "whats that smell" and I ignored it. Then she kept at it and said are you wearing that cologne now, and she walks into the bathroom and points to it (so she did notice). I said yes. She said why, and I said just cause I feel like it, I kind of like it, I get the impression you might hate it. W replies I don't hate it, then jokingly (or maybe not) asks are you trying to impress someone? I reply with a question: who would I be tyring to impress? her reply was I don't know and with that I walked out of the room. And you know what, I do kind of like it. It is a radical change for me and right now I like the change. I like how it makes me feel, I don't care if anyone else notices or not.

Interesting thoughts that I'm deeply thinking about with regards to no bun fight over the e-mail. One thing I have now figured out is that one of my theories on their contact is not accurate. I thought they were using google talk/google chat on the iphone--not so. Two nights in a row she has left her phone charging in our room when she heads to the basement to do work. Only one day in the last 2 weeks did she go to google talk on the iphone. So, it would have to be on home computer which would mean some awfully late nights for a lawyer with 3 kids and a wife based on time zone differences. And our work network people block that site from use...so I got to be back to thinking its e-mail and maybe a little chatting here and there with Yahoo or Skype. but she knows I'm onto the Yahoo and Skype...so it is risky...and W doesn't like risky.