T2..glad you had a pretty good trip.. you are unsure about all that has happened, and I am sure that must be normal..you can't just dismiss all that has happened in a few short weeks..months..even years..this is a long process that is testing us to the limits..but it must be for a reason...you have your head on straight and know what you need and want..and that is great.
Quote: I guess we have to ask ourselves the hard question of is it better to live in his world or live without him in ours.
Damn if THAT ain't the REAL question that I'm facing, and I'd venture to guess that it's the same MAIN question a great many of us are desperately trying to answer for ourselves.
My H and I had a little chat on Monday. I asked him if he regretted my having come on the trip. I was grateful for his honesty when he said, "I'm glad you were there, but I felt that YOU wished you weren't." He went on to say that he doesn't think he makes me happy. That I am sad to often or lost in thought to often and he senses that I'm not really happy that he is around. He UNDERSTANDS WHY I 'act' the way I do but it worries him.
During our "chat" I got angry and yelled at him about his failure to make good on his word to meet certain 'needs' that I have. It felt good to 'yell' at him instead of mousing my way thru yet another seemingly endless, "don't you get it" talk.
The "chat" ended well and things have been good again since. BUT...I will be watching him like a hawk to see if ANY of my requests are actually met.
I will say that when I got home from work Tues. evening that I noticed that he's been reading Men are From Mars, Women from Venus....of course THAT'S NOT the book I asked him to read (I asked him to read The 5 LL), but at least he's reading something.
I'll keep y'all posted...This 'one day at a time' stuff is gonna either make me stronger OR make me a total basket case.
T2
I don't know, T2, sounds like solid "piecing" stuff to me.
You talked honestly about how the trip...you understood each other's POV...so there was some yelling...but you say it ended well.
While you're "watching like a hawk" make sure to use your peripheral vision in case he's doing things not exactly as you imagine...and don't discount the little things.
T2, It's good you are communicating (it is good, right?). You have to tell him what you need. I told mt H the other day and he said that he was glad I did because he was not a mind reader. We think they should KNOW what we need, but they really don't. It goes both ways-they need to tell us too (yes, they do have needs!). H and I had a night alone last night and I felt such a profound sadness laying next to him while he slept. Not because I did not want to be there, but because of all that has happened. It's just SO HARD to get pst isin't it? It was hard not to show my feelings-I'm not the type that hides them well. I wanted to be with him yet I wanted to get out of there at the same time. Now wonder we're so confused. He's probably thinking the same things as your H. That he cannot make me happy. I think he can, and that we can make it, but I'm not sure what the heck to do with these emotions when they come up. Sounds like I'm not alone. I really want to get past this part T2. Think we can?? Rachael
Quote: During our "chat" I got angry and yelled at him about his failure to make good on his word to meet certain 'needs' that I have. It felt good to 'yell' at him instead of mousing my way thru yet another seemingly endless, "don't you get it" talk.
Well, its a 180 that broke a cycle, isn't it? ... and a little yelling once in a while can be very effective in getting their attention ... but don't let it turn into a repeating pattern that starts to push him away. That is what is meant by "What works is always a moving target."
Quote: I will be watching him like a hawk to see if ANY of my requests are actually met.
I will say that when I got home from work Tues. evening that I noticed that he's been reading Men are From Mars, Women from Venus....of course THAT'S NOT the book I asked him to read (I asked him to read The 5 LL), but at least he's reading something.
Keep watching with a beginner's mind tho. Don't observe only thru your filters of interpretation. Watch not only for what he does thru your LL's, but what you also get thru his ... those are just as valid and if you only accept what you interpret thru your LL, then can backlash into a from of control, like your mentioning of the book he is reading.
Ya know, reading Mars/Venus first may not be so bad. This way, when he goes to read 5LL's, he can better interpret the Venusian’s version of a language vs. the Martian's.
Hey T2~ I think it is good to get angry every once in a while, especially if it is a 180 for you! Sounds like you told him your needs and that is important for you to go forward! At least he is reading SOMETHING!!!!! Hang in there!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Hey T2...you won't become a basket case..we won't let you!! It is so hard knowing if what we are doing is working.Your h sounds like he is still not real sure how you are truly feeling...he's scared..our spouses are human,and remember he doesn't have this support to guide and help him through these rough times.
You are doing great...do something special for yourself.
T2, I think you are doing OK! You will eventually get past you insecurities. You are still taking one baby step at a time! This process is an ongoing one! And you can always come here to vent!
That dang DEB (aka Imalright) really knows how to ruin a good self destructive mind set doesn't she?
I read Deb's post from today in which she listed all the positives she's seeing with her H lately. You can just feel the joy and building happiness in her life. It makes ya wanna scream doesn't it? (Just kidding of course)
Every dang time I read Deb's posts and remember that I already have (my H back home) and she is still so dillegently working to accomplish that goal for herself I think...DAMN T2, how come YOU can't be appreciative of what you DO have instead of constantly bitchin and moanin about what you don't have YET. So today, Deb reminded me to COUNT my blessings and to stop being such a cranky B.
... and a little yelling once in a while can be very effective in getting their attention ... but don't let it turn into a repeating pattern that starts to push him away. That is what is meant by "What works is always a moving target."
