Good Morning All First, thank you all for your well wishes for my biz/vacation with H. I wish I'd read some of your advice before I left....but despite the fact that I didn't see it until I got home last night, I didn't mess up to much I don't think.
I was surprised to see how busy my H would actually be while on this trip, so it was a lot more biz than pleasure, that's for sure. There were a few kinks in the plane's maintanence that even held us up to return home for an extra day...so now I see how these biz trips really do go...not fun for H, that's for sure.
I did pretty good for the most part, but of course, managed to slip in and out of my 'pity party' moods a few times. One or two nights my H and I even managed a few decent 'R' talks...but to be honest, as always, those left me with 'new' questions etc. I even managed to tick him off one night when I pressed to hard about somethings that he's no doubt frustrated over having answered several times before. I know at one point he had to be asking himself why he ever let me come there with him to haunt him about this 'stuff' every chance I got.
So all in all I'd say the trip didn't bring us any closer or me any closure...but it didn't do any permanent harm either.
I know that I have 'issues' that will either NEVER be resolved or will be a long time coming to closure. I asked myself several times while I was away IF this was something I WAS REALLY going to be able to do...sometimes I'd tell myself it is, and other times I'd tell myself I didn't think so.
I don't know if some of these 'wounds' are healable. I don't know if TIME or WORDS or anything will ever lessen the impact of some of those 'lies' that were told or "words" that have been said.
I do know that I've promised myself that I will see where we are in the spring, and IF I look back over the months between his return home in late September and this coming May and I am still feeling the way I feel right now, then I will know that FOR ME at least, there really is no 'turning back.'
It strange how there's a part of me that's so comfortable in my relationship with my H and yet there is still such a strangeness that seems will never go away. I wonder if I'll ever really know this man, I wonder if I ever did and, I wonder if all of this pain will be worth the 'reunion.'
I'm not ready to throw in the towel, I'm not ready to admit defeat, but I'm a long, long way from feeling a sense of victory in this reconciliation.
I'm glad to be home, glad to be returning to school tonight and work tomorrow so that my mind can busy itself with 'other' things besides this haunting sense of impending doom.
I'm glad to be back to my friends here at the board, where I can safely vent and help to keep myself from making any major 'in the moment' disasterous comments to my H.
I am so glad you are back. But your post sounds like I am feeling.
Quote: haunting sense of impending doom
There has been another change in my H. Now he is avoiding any closeness with me and was even angry with me last night for not calling him. He felt not included this weekend. I'd appreciate your input.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Your words speak for so many of us in reconciliation I think. Since we know it will take alot for us to trust again I guess we have to ask ourselves the hard question of is it better to live in his world or live without him in ours. Hang in there T2. Its hard I know-I'm gong through the same things you are and he is not even living with me. I miss him but I think its better this way. I thnk time will help and we don't have the pressure of being together 24/7, and walking on those darn eggshells. Glad to have you back on board! Rachael
Quote: Its hard I know-I'm gong through the same things you are and he is not even living with me. I miss him but I think its better this way. I think time will help and we don't have the pressure of being together 24/7, and walking on those darn eggshells.
LOL. I miss my H big time! The closer he comes to me the more I miss him. The more I wonder, OMG what will I do if he does come home!
Hope you had time to catch up on my thread. I did tell H he could store his things here, it is his property and his home too. And the other day I corrected myself in front of him I said my table and then I said, I mean OUR table! I'm trying to "act as if" H is coming home but not so much that he runs. Darn this is hard work!
T2~ WELCOME BACK!!! Sounds like, all in all, the trip was successful! You seem as though you have done quite a bit of soul searching and are in a pretty good place.......
Quote: I'm not ready to throw in the towel, I'm not ready to admit defeat, but I'm a long, long way from feeling a sense of victory in this reconciliation.
Hnag in there, T2, we are all pulling for you!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
You betcha this is hard work. The emotions of it all run amuck, and we are sometimes just struggling to get through them as best we can. I talk as though the house and everything is still both of ours. I hate it when he says he's "going home" to his apt. He usually says "I'm going to bed." He has been good about doing things around the house for me. I want him to miss home. Lately there has not been alot of oportunity to have get togethers at our house as we are always down the street at our D's house helping them remodle.We all bond there though and I feel like we are a family again. We do alot of laughing and joking around. Our youngest S and D both have great sense of humors and we have alot of laughs and good times. I want him home but like you, I'm afraid. What if I'm not ready and I can't control my fears? I might run him off with all my doubts. I feel I have to trust him more than I do right now before he comes home and that will just take time. Our S needs more time also. He says he does not want to go through all the drama again of him leaving. Can't blame him-neither do I. I don't think my H is ready either. We have not discussed it. I suppose when the time is right it will come up. Its one of those bittersweet things. The house is not the same without him, but I've been where he's there and did not want to be and it was terrible. Next time he comes home I want it to be a forever thing. I hope it does not take forever for it to be a forever thing! LOL! Rachael
I need some thoughts on my thread. 
