Serenity, I am not a parent, but as a formerly rebellious teenager--and weren't we all--
YOU are not a failure. Your son is a human being, making his own decisions. Nothing in any of your posts demonstrate an inadequate parent. This has been a rough time, and your son is reacting to it.
Do what you need to do to feel safe. Let him take the consequences of his actions.
I send you all the love and peace I can.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
None of this is YOUR fault. Your S is making bad choices, and the truth of the matter honey is that YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM CHOOSE DIFFERENTLY.
Let him feel and take the consequences. The worst thing you can do is save him from his choices. Will it hurt? Yes. But it's through our hurts and failures that we have the opportunity to learn.
Have you told his PO about the threats he's made to you? I would...because telling your mother that you're going to wait until she's asleep then cover her with gasoline and set her on fire is NOT in the normal range OR okay.
You're going to have to be strong...this is DBing at its best. Don't show your crying or weakness to your S because it feeds into his manipulation.
What are you doing to take care of yourself during this time?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I know this is not DBing at it's best however this is what I sent to H after he told me my S needed his guidance and he has to many opportunites to get in trouble here with the lack of parental guidance...
It has nothing to do with me wanting S to live in your den of sin and everything to do with the fact that you singlehandedly turned him against me...
No it won't take a couple of weeks, it is already done once I send the information to the PO...
After last night I want it done now...
I don't need the cops here anymore because your son is doing everything he can to get out of here and for whatever reason he thinks living with you will be nothing but shopping trips and no one to tell him what to do.
After the stunt he pulled last night he is damn lucky he isn't sitting in XXX.
Don't you dare say he needs your guidance - (You haven't offered these boys anything in the last 11 months and now you want to be the good guy and clean up the mess you created) because I have been doing just fine since you abandoned your family - You have taken everything these boys have ever known and for what? Your own selfish wants and then you actually question why they are so angry and messed up inside - You should know the feeling or are you still denying that you can remember?
The only guidance you have to offer him is lack of values, loyalty, respect, dignity and morals.
This is the last thing I want for our son.
If he would listen he wouldn't be in trouble however since you set your claws in him he has gone out of his way to get out of here.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Hubby responded to my email above with blameshifting and projection - Still lying even though I called him on it...
He was hoping to buy a couple of more weeks however I wouldn't relent until I got the answers I wanted...
The PO assigned to our S is on vacation and she called H this morning apparently letting him know it would be at least 2-3 weeks before the paperwork could get moved through the system - I in turn have been dealing with the PO in charge who took maybe 4 hours to get the change done.
I emailed H and let him know S was free and clear to come to him. We got into it earlier when he called me at work and again reiterated about what a great Dad he is and how S will be much better off with him etc...
He had the nerve to tell me that he knows how to set boundaries where our S is concerned - I went off - Let him know right then and there he wouldn't know what a boundary was if it walked up and slapped him in the jaw.
He stated he would know where S was going to be 24/7 and he had something added into his cell phone tracking him (without his knowledge)...
Told me if I had that I should have gone and gotten him whenever he was where he shouldn't be - I stated that is hard seeing as he left me without a car -
He says he bought shoes and clothes for S because he had a hole in his pants when he saw him - I stated it was a luxury to buy clothes when he cut us off financially. (FYI - My S is 14 - All his clothes have holes in them because he buys them that way - DUH!)
He then goes on and on about how I took more money then normal right before Christmas and he had to cancel his Dr.s appt. so that is why he changed his bank and according to his lawyer (who apparently he got the number from the back of a Cheerios box) he doesn't have to pay child support or spousal support because "We aren't divorced honey" (his words) - Wrong Answer -
(Here is where I hit my stride - Because before when I was answering, it was based on emotions once again) - "According to my lawyer as well as the state of Florida, abandoning your family isn't illegal (a form of child abuse though) however cutting them off financially is illegal - If I was the b***h you claim me to be, you would be sitting in a jailcell right now with your bank account frozen. Your child support is about $1400.00 a month with you now being behind 6 months and counting. Had you been smart about this, you would have left it with me taking about $200.00 every 2 weeks."
He had the nerve to tell me he didn't abandon us because he lives an hour away.
He also once again said the OW doesn't live with him - So I backed him into the corner - Asked him why our S had met her when that was the only stipulation I have given him - His response - She happened to drop by the other night when S was there - I responded to him - You should have let her know your S was there and she would have to come back at another time however you just couldn't be the bad guy once again and instead of respecting my only request, you stomped all over it.
Once he heard I had a lawyer and what my lawyer had said, his whole tone changed - Then he was nice and sweet and no longer snarky -
To late, I ended the conversation by stating I had an appointment and said bye and hung up on him - No more I love you's - I DIDN'T WAIT FOR THE I LOVE YOU!!!! Can I get a mental high five?
So - Veterans - How did I do?
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Once he heard I had a lawyer and what my lawyer had said, his whole tone changed - Then he was nice and sweet and no longer snarky -
To late, I ended the conversation by stating I had an appointment and said bye and hung up on him - No more I love you's - I DIDN'T WAIT FOR THE I LOVE YOU!!!! Can I get a mental high five?
HIGH FIVE!! I love it! it's about time I see someone fight back!
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
