Okay, hopingforhope, I will try to be here for you, too. I was the one having the affair in my marriage so I can be here for her as the "other side".
I agree with what most have said. Get the intel, tell her that you know x, y, and z, and that you won't live in that kind of a marriage. Talk to her with love, but be firm on your limits. Understand that whatever kind of affair she is having, it seems real to her but it most likely is not. Her feelings are real, but reality is different. If she decides to continue the affair (I'm afraid she probably will because of the strong pull of it) then you start exposing. Start with a trusted member of your church, for example. Then, maybe a close friend. Then, maybe a couple of family members. The less people involved the better, but it will all depend on what she does.
This is not easy. Exposing haphazardly is easy, but not smart....the real work will come after she stops the affair. The "carrot" that was talked about is very important. She needs to see that her life with you can be great if she gives it the effort and attention needed.
Thanks WDID...Let me give you some more background so you may be able to have a little more input...She has been "friends" with this guy for a while online and he came in after she started confiding in him. Of course she says he says all the right things and she never has to say anything he just knows... Also she does not believe in God though her parents do...I do as well but being Native American I believe a little differently so unfortunately church pressure is out. She says that she is attracted to him but does not love him the way she loves me but behind my back it is different. Her mom knows she is talking to someone but she also told her mom it is going nowhere because her mom became angry. Her Dad does not know. Though if he did I have a feeling he would support me because he was so adamant about my wife working this out that he paid our rent and said for her to come back here. That is when she said she would give it six months to see if I changed but no to hold my breath..I know the conversations and web chats have gotten sexual in nature as well though I can't really prove it...this is mainly form the little intel I have gathered...I will have a key logger this weekend. As far as mutual friends she has stated she is ready to let them all go because she has nothing in common with them and that they do not care about her which is the furthest thing from the truth but they also would not get involved. I know she is FOGGED right now. Here is the thing. How do you get through to her that she is having an affair when she is insistent that she is not because she does not consider us married...how do you stand against that? Also how long do I gather intel...I know i will have what I need within three days of having the key logger. I work 6 on and 6 off and have to stay overnight at my job because of the nature of my work. So I really only have around two weeks to create that atmosphere...Is this possible?
I know how she feels with this guy online. In my marriage, the things I needed were so lacking that when a guy came along that said those things I needed so badly to hear, I was hooked. It feels like a soulmate. She's probably thinking this.
Ok, who does she respect at this point? Who might snap her into the reality of the situation? I remember being so "out of it", so out of reality. I was sucked into this fantasy world that was so addictive. Telling her parents could do it. But, be prepared with proof because she will twist you into something that you are not. She will rewrite history and make everything bad in your marriage into something even worse. She WILL be angry. But, if you talk to her, and she won't stop....if you want to fight for your marriage, you will have to do this to try to save it.
This six month period she is giving is meaningless if she is still in contact with the affair partner. Just like if you went to counseling while she is still in contact...it wouldn't do anything. SO, once you get proof, you give her a choice. You can't make her stay, but you say that you can't live in a marriage like this, that you believe your marriage is worth fighting for, and that you will need to cut off the internet to feel safe in your own home, etc. You get the idea.
Letting her friends go....I did that as well....nothing matters anymore except the words that this man says to her. It's like a drug, it really is.
I didn't consider myself married either so that it would give me the "ok" to do what I was doing. When we physically separated it only became worse. Try to save your marriage with her in the home with you.
Gather enough intel that you can prove that the affair is emotional, sexual, and predatorlike in nature if possible. The quicker the better since you said you only have 2 weeks.
Yes, it is possible to create an atmosphere of love/forgiveness/dedication/effort to change in two weeks. Just love her. She will look for every reason to hate you....one thing I remember that would really "get me" was the victim/puppy dog look....don't do that. Be confident, kind, loving, and committed, but not a push over. When you have that conversation about limits she will know you are not a pushover, she will also know you love her if you do it right.
No I am not giving up. I choose to believe that I can do this. After all after only a few days before the separation she had started to come around some. So I will gather intel and I will create the atmosphere in my home. I will also try to save it with her in the home with me...though she is talking about trying to go to her parents. I will do what I can with what I have and move from there.
So what snapped you back to reality? Also you say she will realize that I love her if I do it right...Can you give me some examples of what to do or what not to do...She is already upset that I am going to be staying home but this is also the only way I can get the intel plus I am not going to live with someone else, puit them out, and pay her bills...she bounces between saying she wants to roommate it and leaving to her parents...Thank you so much cb for your tough response and wdid for your input and perspective from her side...I look forward to hearing from you.
Well first off. Stay in your bed. Second do not leave your home. 3rd. No R talk. 4th. Be upbeat. 5th. Talk like a boarder guard. Let her fill the voids. Your gathering intel right 6. Start to snoop everything you can.
What snapped me back into reality.
Hearing ladybug talk to doucebag on the phone and say his name with passion in her voice.
Enough cake walking. Out you go. ( But I did gather as much intel as possible )
Anything you find. Photocopy, burn to disk , photograph. Make duplicates and store then at different locations.
Remember you are in a war.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Thanks CB...I will definitely keep all these things in mind...I know she is upset about me coming home because it interrupts her cycle of freedom with this guy. She has already told me she wants to have a talk when I get back because we are supposed to be separated but she does not want to do it over the phone because she does not feel it is good for communication about these things. To be honest with you though. I am not going to live with someone else and pay bills for two places...I deserve better than that and I am not going to be a victim to that extent. I am doing things different when she speaks...I am listening, validating, and repeating to make sure I know where she is coming from...Also I am being encouraging and supportive of her learning how to overcome her driving anxiety. She told me today she does not know what happened to the old me but she does not want him back but that she does not know what to do with the me now...I guess that is a good sign...would most likely be a really good one without OM in the picture...yeah she is going to FLIP and run...I plan on having a talk with her dad though when this happens so he knows everything...I will make sure I have proof first...Thing is she says the only person she really respects is the OM. She has surrounded herself with people who tell her what she wants to hear.
One thing you need to think about is conversations about OM when she is with OM.
I feel it is highly disrespectful. I set the boundary that she was to not communicate with him when in the house. So she would go for walks and talk to him. Which ment I could snoop for 20 minutes. And snoop you better be doing. For you are uncovering secerts.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I have already been snooping to the extent that I can. Made copies to my e-mail of his page where he is making sexual headlines to her and where she commented " I miss you my love". I am going to use the 7 day free trial of webwatcher this week when I get home because it not only logs key strokes but takes screenshots every few seconds and records myspace, facebook, and other chats. Also you can block web pages. I will definitely be snooping. You never know maybe this can work to my advantage in more than one way...In DR doesn't Michele say to find out what OP is doing and do it better? DO you think doing that before I bust the affair would help?
