Good Morning All First, thank you all for your well wishes for my biz/vacation with H. I wish I'd read some of your advice before I left....but despite the fact that I didn't see it until I got home last night, I didn't mess up to much I don't think.
I was surprised to see how busy my H would actually be while on this trip, so it was a lot more biz than pleasure, that's for sure. There were a few kinks in the plane's maintanence that even held us up to return home for an extra day...so now I see how these biz trips really do go...not fun for H, that's for sure.
I did pretty good for the most part, but of course, managed to slip in and out of my 'pity party' moods a few times. One or two nights my H and I even managed a few decent 'R' talks...but to be honest, as always, those left me with 'new' questions etc. I even managed to tick him off one night when I pressed to hard about somethings that he's no doubt frustrated over having answered several times before. I know at one point he had to be asking himself why he ever let me come there with him to haunt him about this 'stuff' every chance I got.
So all in all I'd say the trip didn't bring us any closer or me any closure...but it didn't do any permanent harm either.
I know that I have 'issues' that will either NEVER be resolved or will be a long time coming to closure. I asked myself several times while I was away IF this was something I WAS REALLY going to be able to do...sometimes I'd tell myself it is, and other times I'd tell myself I didn't think so.
I don't know if some of these 'wounds' are healable. I don't know if TIME or WORDS or anything will ever lessen the impact of some of those 'lies' that were told or "words" that have been said.
I do know that I've promised myself that I will see where we are in the spring, and IF I look back over the months between his return home in late September and this coming May and I am still feeling the way I feel right now, then I will know that FOR ME at least, there really is no 'turning back.'
It strange how there's a part of me that's so comfortable in my relationship with my H and yet there is still such a strangeness that seems will never go away. I wonder if I'll ever really know this man, I wonder if I ever did and, I wonder if all of this pain will be worth the 'reunion.'
I'm not ready to throw in the towel, I'm not ready to admit defeat, but I'm a long, long way from feeling a sense of victory in this reconciliation.
I'm glad to be home, glad to be returning to school tonight and work tomorrow so that my mind can busy itself with 'other' things besides this haunting sense of impending doom.
I'm glad to be back to my friends here at the board, where I can safely vent and help to keep myself from making any major 'in the moment' disasterous comments to my H.
