I'm Baaaaaaaack!

[Dr.mom]

Sir . . I'm chiming in because I've been there. It is hard for others to understand where you are right now.

I got to a point where the only thing that motivated me to get out of the house during my "dark period" was the fact that I was out of food. COMPLETELY out of food. And I was not even rational enough to be able to put myself together to go to the grocery store (2.1 miles down the road). For about 4 days I made it out of the house once a day to the local gas station and ate Little Debbie Snacks. It was all I could do to muster up the power to do that and only that!

(Actually looking back on that incident, I'm kinda chuckling right now, OMG! I got SO BAD!).

Yes, I could not see my "way out of the bag". I knew I had to "do something" but had NO INERTIA to do so. IT is a horrible place to be

I understand Buddy, I've been there. To look for a job, to volunteer takes EFFORT. And one does not HAVE the inertia or energy to stick with it. I was afraid to even take a part time job, just some menial thing to bring in minimum wage and get me out of the house. For I knew, in that state, that I'd probably not even have it in me to show up for work each day. And I could not bear with another failure in my life.

I knew I was in bad shape, and needed to see a doctor to get on some meds to get me through this tough time. But I did not even have what it takes to make a phone call, or look for a therapist, or find a DR. to make an appointment.

I kinda wished my friends would have stepped up and done something, but, as you know, they sometimes don't know how to help and have their own lives to worry about. I don't blame them. . .

I thought about "checking out" everyday. Could not figure out a "way" to do it, and, like you, did not want the shame on my family. That kept me going. And the fact that I was not going to off myself until I got the house cleaned and the closets organized. Heaven forbid my family had to come in after my passing and see what a mess the house was
It was only then that I realized I was ok, the old me was still there. Ha ha, won't commit suicide because I'm too worried that someone else is going to have to clean out my closets.

You know you are getting better when stuff gets so crazy you start laughing about it. Or then . . maybe you are really going off the deep end. . .

What worked for me?

TIME.

And not beating myself up for being in the dumps.

I also found a puppy on my property. I swear that dog saved my life. Someone innocent looking at you at 8AM in the morning saying "Dude? Are you going to let me out to pee?"

I had to bring functionality and routine into my life in itty bitty bits and pieces. Having that pup gave me structure. For I had none in my life (yeah, not showering, not leaving the house, I was there). At first it was a struggle to make a plan, set a schedule and JUST LET THE DOG OUT 4 times a day. And feed him on time 2 times a day.

At that time it seemed like the greatest challenge in the world. Get a job? Make new friends? Go out into the world? Forget about it. I had a hard enough time letting him outside to poop on schedule.

Some days he pooped in the house. And it sat there, in the corner, for a few days. And it started to become clear to me. The voice inside your head starts to change when you have an obvious reminder of your life sitting like that right in front of you. "Dude, there is a turd on the FLOOR! It's there because you are flaking out! Pick it up and do better next time, do right by this pup and let him OUT!

And bit by bit, I got better.

That became my Mantra in life "You gonna lay there like a turd, or get up and make changes?".

I know, I can laugh about it now, for I'm out of the darkness. My friends even made me a plaque to hang on my wall that says:

"if you are going to act like a TURD,
go lay in the yard"

I love it.

Find something that's gonna MAKE you get on schedule and DO something each and every day, something that will hold you accountable. I know how hard it is. . . . it is SO BABY STEPS! So hard to just do the little things.

What also worked for me was trying to get out of the house. I had no $ to blow either, so I just forced myself to go to the local Barnes and Noble Book store. Just get up and go there and read for an hour. Read the magazines. Get out of your head. No pressure. No one to bug you, no responsibility. Some days it would take me ALL DAY just to get there. But I GOT THERE.

After that, I was able to venture into the stores a little bit. It snowballs after that. And you can put one foot in front of the other and move on.