It has been a while since I posted. This week appears like it may be the week of the confrontation. Wife is meeting with marriage counsellor tomorrow. I will have another joint MC session towards the end of this week or early next week. I need to start considering the game plan. Any thoughts on what I should say?
I have the details on the phone number coming back in the next day or so. I need to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible.
Just b/c you have intel does not mean you are ready to confront. Confronting and not knowing how to do it could ruin your chances of reconciling. Take a breath and calm down. They probably aren't doing any more than they were before you got your information. I've read where one too many newcomers go in too big of a hurry to confront, expose & set boundaries. Wait until you are strong enough and know what steps to follow.
Have you read those steps in Dane's thread?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have read Dane's post. It doesn't explain what I should do for the confrontation and exposure. He confronted early. I am looking for the right way to do this.
Okay, have you read the thread by Coach that teaches difference between setting boundaries and controlling? You need to know that ahead of time. Is the OM M?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have read Coach's boundary thread. I have also read the book by Cloud and Towsend. My wife asked for a boundary when she left. That she have space and No Contact. I respected her wishes and have not pursued. No calls, No texts, and only respond to her emails. She is now open to face to face meetings to discuss the separation agreement and is emailing regarding the separation agreement.
As an aside, she moved ALL of her items out of the house. She is now requesting a few final items. This speaks volumes to me. Once the separation agreement is signed, that seems like the end of things.
I have read Dane's post. It doesn't explain what I should do for the confrontation and exposure. He confronted early. I am looking for the right way to do this.
Let me know your thoughts.
Personally, I would follow your wife's request ...
Originally Posted By: godhelpme
My wife asked for a boundary when she left. That she have space and No Contact. I respected her wishes and have not pursued. No calls, No texts, and only respond to her emails.
What good will come out of confronting her, now that she is moved out? Imagine the scenerio:
You = "Wife, I know you are seeing another man." Your Wife = "We're seperated. Leave me alone. I asked you for Space and No Contact. You will never change. You are a loser."
There is another way of approaching this situation. You have been dumped. Move on! Ignore her! And get on with your life quickly leaving your cheating spouse in the dust.
If reconcillation is going to happen after she is bored with the single life and sex with other men, then maybe it happens. What good is your time spent during this time, depressing and waiting around for someone that may not come around.
Know yourself. Grow as an individual. Experience life and live it to the fullest. You are on 28. You are still just a kid with alot of life ahead of you. I would give her exactly what she asked for and show her how right that situation is for you. Never contact her. Let her contact you. And when she does treat her like someone you would be interested in dating if they werent sleeping with someone else. Maybe find a "special" friend of your own so you can continue working on your flirting and interaction skills and techniques.
But most of all, I would use this experience to move forward with my life positively and happily. That will be the most attractive and best you that you can offer to your wife if reconcillation is possible or to the next person that enters your life and most importantly for yourself.
Steve, I hear what you are saying. The only issue is some of the thing she says "this is about trust, that takes time", "i love you", "i am committed to the marriage", "if the counsellor told me to move back in, I would", "we will give this another shot", "i am forgive you but I am hurt and just need some time to heal".
DB Rule - believe nothing of what you hear and 50% of what you see.
In any case, I am GAL. However, I am no where near ready to date right now. Although, I am getting in really good shape and have been noticing a lot of double takes from the opposite sex lately.
Nothing wrong with going out, maybe with some friends, dancing is good clean fun. It's none of her business anyway, she is the one wanting the space and no contact. It's a nice start. Steve's main point is this, the worst thing you can do is sit still and wait, confront, or hope she comes back. Time to have some fun, everyone told you this stuff is counterintuitive, well start here.
