I think being associated with negative people every day will affect a person, just as being around bubbly people kind of rubs off too. Having to share each day with a co-worker who sees everything in a dark way, sure doesn't help.
I don't mean to sound like I'm pushing prescriptions, but I know from experience that when you have clinical depression it feels like life is constantly an uphill battle and it's difficult to see the bright side. Some people do not recognize that they have a type of depression, so please see a doctor. If you get the right AD for you, it will make a world of difference, but sometimes it takes several tries before you find what works on you the best.
Other things, like what Coach suggested, is very good and should be done whether you get medical help or not.
Living with a person who is always negative is a draining and tiring chore. Your S gets little joy out of being M to you if you aren't much fun to be around, right?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
update: more background info - W is a stay at home mom and as part of making sure she knew where we stood finically i suggested years ago that she be the one to pay our bills, she glady accepted.
i NEVER carry cash on me as everything these days can be done electronically, so after dinner last night (and me not speaking about our sit at all) i asked if she was going to be around to watch the kids so i could go out for a bit, she asked where and i said to the book store i wanted to buy a book.....
instantly she gets upset with me and tells me that we don't need to spend money on books and why not goto library. i avoided the trap - i said "sure" but i will have to go tomorrow as it is a holiday, and let it at that.
about 10 minutes later she comes to me (giving her space)and says if i really want to go get a book then i should.
i call that a "baby step"
read the first 3 chapters of DR as soon as i got home, was sooo tired that i slept most of the night because i saw hope while i was reading.
now for more of the me part - do i just go to my family doctor and tell them i think i have been feeling depressed and let them go from there or do i go to specialists?
Thanks Gman
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
...about 10 minutes later she comes to me (giving her space)and says if i really want to go get a book then i should.i call that a "baby step"
I'll leave it to you whether that's a good sign or not: it reads like her giving you permission.
Originally Posted By: gman
now for more of the me part - do i just go to my family doctor and tell them i think i have been feeling depressed and let them go from there or do i go to specialists?
Family doctor. But go online, do a bit of research on symptoms, types of ADs, etc., first, imo. Go in there a bit knowledgeable.
Thanks Gman [/quote]
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I'll leave it to you whether that's a good sign or not: it reads like her giving you permission.
very true...guess i have to open my blinders a bit. i called it "baby step" due to the fact that i have NEVER done anything like getting self help books since she has known me, and gave me an interested look....ultimately time will tell i guess.
i am looking forward to improving myself - which again i never did in the past (always seemd like a chore).
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
i have been reading DR and am blown away about how dead on this thing is, only wish i would have read it years ago when M was fine.
so now the W immediatly started asking me why i was kissing her ass - to wwhich i replied that i am not kissing ass just working on bettering myself and becoming a better person. she them began to ask me questions about what i was reading and if i though by reading a book our marrage would be fixed. I simply told her - I don't know, but what i do know is that i need to fix myself.
she asked many questions about how she has given up, and how can things get back to the way they were (which i told her i did not want more of the same that led to our problem in the first place). she wanted to know how me fixing myself was going to change the way she flet, again i told her i don't really know.
she began to cry and said "what if i never get the feelings back for you" - again my answers was pretty much "i don't know".
the biggest thing i noticed was how she initially tried to "trap" me, but when i did not take the bait her tone changed and she began asking more.
i am still reading and about to present my R goal(s) to her, but in the mean time do i suggest that she do the same as i - fix herself? i mean there is a ton of stuff in DR that i am sure she could easily relate to, but i assume that it isn a good idea for both of us to be using the same book?
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Do not let her know that you have the book, this is your playbook, she will think everything you do is out of the book and therefore trying to manipulate her into staying.
I think it is a good sign that your wife is crying regarding her "feelings". Let her figure her own way, do not push her in any direction, like I did. My wife finally, in a letter, to stop trying to fix her, that she had to fix herself. Just validate and really listen, but do not try to fix her.
I also would not tell her you are getting self-help books. To my wife, it looked to her that I had a revelation of bettering myself, being a father, and being a husband. In which I did, but it came from the people here and the book.
Don't present your R goals to her either. At some point in the future, you will set goals together. Right now she's not interested, and that would be seen as pursuing.
Most of what your W did/said is WAS script. My H said many of the same things, including that he would NEVER be able to have feelings for me again. It was too late, yada yada. He was also suspicious of my changes, thought I was doing it to manipulate him, etc. I just said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, just working on myself," and kept on stepping.
The key, now, is to keep working on YOU. Your W is going to poke at and test you to "prove" this is all a ruse. You're going to have to hold the line and respond differently in the heat of the moment. You know your triggers (and so does your W); start planning now about how you're going to handle things differently. If you need help, post it here.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Do not let her know that you have the book, this is your playbook, she will think everything you do is out of the book and therefore trying to manipulate her into staying. Burt
she already knows i have "a" book as the only time i can read it is later at night when the house is quiet - she came down stairs the other night as i was reading on the couch (go ahead a laugh at this part) first time in probably 10 years she saw me reading a book.
SDFoundGirl - i will continue to work on me, is it okay to tell her that when she questions what i am doing? Let her know i need to fix me?
on the other hand i see her sad a sulking and my natural instinct is to comfort her - but i resist as i feel this may ruin any progress i have made changing the situation (breaking the "more of the same" routine)....does that sound mean of me?
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
