Just want my H back

[hhh]

Hi all -
Happy new years to all! Just journaling a bit. Went out w friends to a few parties last night and had a good time. Oddly enough I ended up speaking with a man who was going through D himself...saying 2009 was the worst year of his life and we compared D stories...but it wasn't a sob story, it was a nice conection of 2 people going through a tough time and trying to see light at end of tunnel. I told him about this site and how wonderful it is, how it's helped me so much over the past 6 months. I truly appreciate all of you that have chimed in and helped me, and it's nice to be able to give to others in a small way. Really enjoyed the conversation and ended up giving him my #...don't know that there's spark there but you never know..and that's what some of us need to do who are unfortunately going down the D route, is give these little opportunities a chance. You never know who you'll meet who might end up being a great fit for you, or just have fun in the process of getting to know new people. There will be some sadness for awhile (and some comparison with H for a bit too as I meet new people), but we all move forward, baby steps sometimes, into this new year.
Peace to all
-hhh

[pearlharbr]

Hi hhh

I think the book I read was the original, LMBT: Families in Crisis (I got it from the library, trying to remember the cover art). I'm sure the newer Marriages in Crisis would have the same basic content.

Glad you had a fun NYE! I was a little sad that I wasn't going to Bimbo's like I did last year.

Meeting a new friend is never a bad thing. I just met up for lunch with a former poster from this board and it is good to be able to talk to someone who has gone through a similar experience.

You never know who you'll meet who might end up being a great fit for you, or just have fun in the process of getting to know new people. There will be some sadness for awhile (and some comparison with H for a bit too as I meet new people), but we all move forward, baby steps sometimes, into this new year.

This is a good attitude! Hold onto it and you'll be great.

[avermont]

Hi HHH-

I just finished reading your whole thread.

I guess the old timers have seen this story a million times. It is quite weird reading someone else post the same feelings/conflicts/fear/cycle that I am going through. I guess it is a universal experience.

Things I picked up on that will hopefully help me:
operating out of fear: if I do X, is that going to cause him to do Y?
And pearl saying: he has already LEFT! how much worse can it get?
Detaching for ME, not for hope of "getting him back."

Oh, and all the rest of the hard and truthful things that the pros told you--and have been telling me.

I'm sorry these last few days have been hard for you. The holidays make it all worse.

Do I understand that you are making the big move to SF? I think that's good. New place, new co-workers, whole new start to your new wonderful life.

Thanks for putting your story out there so others could learn from your experience.

Best in the new year--

[hhh]

Hi guys,
I don't know what it is but I feel like I'm absolutely going to crumble again. After a few weeks of doing OK, this weekend just undid me again in sleepness nights of pain and sadness. Moments of trying to push myself to think positively and do/be OK, but then it all comes reeling down again - the disbelief, the anger, the loss..worse than any death I think.

Maybe it's working so hard again and traveling a lot. I feel like I've worked so hard knowing that H would then be able to balance things out, out of school, working again. I am 33 and all I want to do is to settle down and cut back on work and start a family.

I want to think about a friendship w H before I leave the east coast...but is that even possible and would that make it harder for me? Sometimes I fantasize about us spending a nice day together, simple, no R talk...just a walk or a dinner or something, as friends. But truthfully there is part of me that wants to do that so he could see me as 'me' again and have fun and perhaps reconsider (unlikely, I know). Has anyone tried just being friends w H after so much separation/baggage/hurt?

And then I felt very angry last week as I was working...like I should have a right to ask for my fair share of financial contributions back...but know that he'd lash out if so. I don't want to not act out of fear. There is part of me that yes wants to do certain things still for the possibility/betterment of our relationship, but I know this is not reality. Ask for what's rightfully mine ($ wise back) will probably make him never want to consider anything w me again..

I just read Love must be Tough and I get it...but I feel that standing up to H at this point would do nothing to save our M, i think he's just totally done. But god - don't we wish it could be different!

I am so sad b/c I struggled w a lot of stuff during out M (losing my father, moving, major life changes and health issues, some anxiety, struggling w work)..and I often thought they were b/c of M but I now realize they were my own issues perhaps that I was projecting on to my H. I've of course since told him that but he doesn't care at this point.

Still I think...god, i was not that bad of a wife! I was faithful to you and loved you and even quit my job at one point to be home more and present in our M... but he didn't want to 'deal' anymore w these issues and left. Ugh. I'm so sad...sometimes I think I caused it all. I cannot imagine ever being happy w anyone else. After a few months of confidence I feel I'm not doing as well again - backsliding - not sleeping as well and not feeling healthy. I want to get myself back again. Perhaps I need to be more grounded and not on the road as much. My move to CA will be good, but at the same time i feel like I am mourning leaving the east coast b/c I am leaving H, and there is still so much of me that just loves him dearly.

I was thinking to myself last night...gosh, I was struggling w anxiety and some other issues..and I'm so sorry I couldn't be 'better' in our M b/c of things I was still working through on my own, but gosh, don't I for the sake of our M and vows deserve another chance?

I know many of you out there are feeling the way I feel right now. I've worked on detaching.. yes it helps, but there are still such moments of weakness when ALL YOU WANT is to be held in your H's arms and feel safe, like you are protected and everything is OK. I am just feeling very alone right now...lower than I have in months for some reason. I can't bring myself to sign anything to end this marriage, but there is no M right now, I know. So sad.

[Deep]

Hi hhh,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're feeling now. Doesn't seem that way, but that's just for now.

You've owned your part in the problems in your M, that's great, don't project more than what it is. You've "moved on", but the rope is still well and truly attached. Let it go. You do "deserve" another chance, heck a lot more chances. But they'll come in their own way, and they may not be in the form that you think you need right now.

You can, can indeed, be with someone else in future, if you choose to be. You can, can indeed be happy, either with someone or by yourself. It'll be your choice, and on terms you will be happy with.

Don't let fear stop you from doing what is right, just be sure that they are indeed right. If your H utterly drops you from his life because you do something to rightfully protect yourself, you're better off without him in your life, and that's the painful truth.

I wish I could find the words that can magically make you feel better, but I don't think they exist. Whether couples split, reconcile, piece etc after M trauma, there is a time period and processes needed, a whole range of emotions (many negative), that needs to be dealt with. Some of these can only be better handled over time, they dont just go away. Even if your H were to do a massive 180 and came back tomorrow, you would be struggling with a lot of feelings too. It's good that you can come on here, among others, and get some support.

[hhh]

Thank you Deep for your kind words. It is helpful to know that you are not alone, even when it hurts so much. I know it takes time...but there is often backtracking which can be frustrating, though I'm sure so normal. I know it's a journey/process, just hope the pain would not keep returning.

I am delighted to hear of your new son born...that is just wonderful! May you enjoy every day with him.

[avermont]

I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain, hhh. We have all felt that range of regret, sorrow, anger.

Wow.

The finance thing: I guess, ask yourself: what is best for me? It does seem right that you get back some of the support you offered H over the years. I understand the fear that it seems like the worst thing you can do in terms of any possible R.

But yes, that is operating out of fear, not out of what is best for you.

I don't know about the friendship thing. Other wiser posters have written about it. One certainly wants to have a civil relationship; it's horribly sad to think that may be all you may ever have, but ask yourself--would you be friends with a FRIEND who treated you like this? (maybe I will ask myself that!)

Please believe this is a downhill on the rollercoaster--there will be an up soon.

Remember how far you have come. You will keep going.

Peace--

[hhh]

Hi all-
What advice do folks have about trying to have a friendship with WAH? I wish sometimes that we could just have fun again, no pressure. (But I know there would still be a lot of emotions there for me, even if keeping them at bay). No R talk, just a nice day or a dinner or activity.

Last time I saw H he told me it would be nice for us to be able to have brunch sometime or do something, but he doesn't want me to get the wrong idea or have R talks. It could be hard for me to do, but if it might help open his mind up to seeing me in a different light I would love to.

It's so hard to go from sharing your life with someone to completely not having them in it. I also feel like there was much light at the end of the tunnel for me before when I was working, knowing that i'd be able to cut back and have him support post-school..now I don't have that and it's so unsettling. I don't want to be dependent on a man but i feel like it's just me now and it's scary. Before when I temporary quit me job it was OK b/c he was there as my partner, and now these are no longer options.

I just wish he would give us another chance. Just when I thought i was getting over him, I feel like I am really not. Is this normal?

I find myself wishing I had talked to his mom or his close friend or someone else along the way before it was too late..but I know that might not have made a difference. I just don't get why/how his family can just write me/us off completely? This is a man I gave my life and my heart to. I also moved in with him right after my dad died and was processing a lot of grief in those early years that I don't think I quite got over. It would come out in weird ways in our M. But as a partner, aren't you supposed to be with someone through thick and thin? I just feel like the whole idea of marriage seems so fragile and impermanent to me now. It's hard to trust again.

Yes, of course I want to be happy again and find love again but part of me doesn't b.c I still want my H. How do I release this grasp? I can't imagine having that closeness w anyone else...and when I go out w a guy that I'm not that into it makes it harder almost, even though intellectually I think that's the right thing to do.

And any thoughts on the friendship/time together notion?
Peace to all
-hhh

[hhh]

Hi all,
Would love some thoughts on the friendship piece per above?

I was in a very dark place when I came home last night..it really kind of scared me. I felt very very depressed. Thank god a dear friend called and we talked for 2 hours - she went through something similar few years ago and was a godsend. She's also gone to intense therapy herself and coming out of her relationship, and said how it makes you look at all these other things in your life..hard work that is good to do, but hard nonetheless.

I also went to an IC on Monday that I saw part of last year. And I've been journaling and thinking. I know a lot of issues in my M were things I brought to the table. And I see how horribly critical and tough I was to live with at times...I see how I pushed my H away. (Of course I at times feel that way b/c he's told me it). But my friend asked me "do you really think you pushed him away?" and I thought about it and said yes. I said some awful things and I realize a lot of the root of it was being really critical of myself, and projecting it on to him. It wore him down. So I know I need to work on myself, taking care of myself, loving myself more...but that's hard when you feel you've destroyed something so valuable in your life.

Yes there were other issues and yes it takes two...but I'm realiizing my parents being so critical of me (though I know they meant well, but very high expectations) was how I often treated him (He used to tell me you're just like your mother). So of course now I'm feeling angry at my parents and all that B.S.... but i know i have to take ownership/responsbility for my actions.

But how sad now that it's too late? I feel like I drove him away...but there were many other variables there in our life circumstances..and traumatic things that happened in my past too. I wish he could see those with compassion and that when I 'acted out' it was not out of malice. I guess I feel ashamed and sorry for what I did. But I can't take it back.

Why is it too late to matter at this point? I know I can learn from this stuff but I just feel angry, at myself at my parents at my H for not understanding that these were mistakes, errors in judgement, things at the time over which I could not help...I didn't like who I'd become in my M and I went to IC and was trying to get help. He knew that. He took off b/c he felt he had enough, he was not happy anymore, he was feeling worn down.

To never have the chance to make it up to him is just heartbreaking. And yet I find myself missing him friendship terribly.

[lea74]

Hi HHH, I can really feel your pain at the moment. Not sure I can be much help but please just know that you are not alone.