T2, You put in words what so many of us feel on here. Emotionally exhausted from mistrusting and suspicion. One day we can feel so sure, and the next totally unsure of ANYTHING. I'm on the same ride with my H. I'm so afriad he was addicted to the feelings that the OW gave him that he won't have the fortitude to resist her. He was in a long term A. It's hard for me to believe that he can just turn it off. Like your H, mine does not say and do all those things that would reassure me. I'm not sure he knows how. That sounds crazy because its so very crystal clear to us. I don't know why they are so dense about it all, but I think hearing on here that so many others have the same issue that it must be a trait of many WAS. I find some comfort in that. We always think our sitchuation should be different don't we? I'm hypersensitive to every action, every word, and it is exhausting,your right. I just want to get past this stage and onto the next-one of trusting very quick, but it won't happen like that. Once trust has been so deeply damaged there's no way we can overlook everyday normal things that they do and say. I'm not sure what it would take for him to dispell my suspicions. I'm not sure he could at this point. I think he could do better than what he is, but why would he even be trying if he was still seeing her? Would he want to go back to the life of lies and secrets? I think our fear is not that they do not want us, but that they are helpless over their destuctive lifestyle and are doomed to fail over and over. How much strenghth does it take for them to break these patterns of destruction? Are they capable? Is the desire great enough? Their actions are what we have to go on. When those do not live up to our expectations we start the process of picking apart and scrutinizing those actions. There is no magic words they can say to us. Your H and mine have already told us they love us and want us. We have begun the very difficult task of believeing what they tell us-ONE DAY AT A TIME. What you are feeling I think is the question of wether he is to be believed or not-believed because of his past behaviors. Ah,if we only had the answer to that! Can we trust them? If we want a chance at getting our lives back with our S we have no choice but to blindly trust. A very scary thing to us because we've been burned so bad in the past. This time of fear is very difficult, and like you say-EXHAUSTING at best. We must weather it as best we can, keeping damage control to a minimum, so at least WE don't sabatoge the reconciliation OURSELVES. We can lean on our friends on this BB to help us keep things in perspective since ours is so sketchy. We can know that we are strong enough to face whatever comes our way, and we can hope even though we are afraid to. Hope is what drives us. Today is our anniversary. I'm afraid my H will not live up to my expectaions. I want it to be like anniversary's past. It's hard to have zero expectations. I'm not sure I can do that. I'm hoping for another one of those signs that will reassure me. I'm hoping he shows me the day is as special to him as it is to me. I'm waiting to see if he makes any plans for us and HOPING he does. I'm dreading the feelings I will get if this is just another day to him. T2, go on this trip and make the very most of it. Make wonderful new memories for the two of you. We will be waiting to hear from you! Rachael
