WEll, not much going on lately. Things are the same. H has started staying over on the weekends now. He really seems like his old self more and more.
We went on the scene of a rescue call last week with him and saw the OW there with her new man. My H spoke to them as they walked by... her bf spoke, but she looked away. He asked me later if I saw his "buddy" walk by and not even speak? I werent sure what to say, but I know it hurts him that she isnt that friend she claimed she would always be "no matter what". I think the more time that passes, the more he sees the "real" her.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I am happy to read your update. Sounds like things are going very well and progressing....s-l-o-w-l-y....which is perfect. this way you both have time to think and make all the right moves towards reconciling.
It must feel good to see him finally coming back to his real self. Keep doing what you are doing....it's working.
It was a very,very good thing for H to see the former OW treat him so impersonal and rude. He will only realize that R was a mistake by viewing her true colors in person. Hurt as it might, it's good for him.
The best part is you were there for him when it happened for once. I hope you simply acknowledged his question by saying something like "yes H, I saw".
Your H is coming to the realization also that you are there for him "no matter what". You are the one who has stood by and been patient and loving and forgiving.
He knows where he belongs kissak.....with you.
Keep taking care....you are doing great!!!
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Well, last night me and my H had the R talk. He brought it up. His therapist had been on him for a month to do so. I dont know why I clam up when he wants to talk about things. His therapist said we both have our walls up and thats one reason we dont feel able to talk freely about "us".
He wanted clarity on things. He said he wanted to know what i had been thinking. Thats hard for me, because I dont think like he does....I mean, the only thing that had been on my mind lately is that when he kisses me, its only on the cheek....now, Ive learned to not let things bother me and I was hoping this would pass...but I had let it affect me in several ways...one was bringing back thoughts of him before he first left me 3 years ago...he had gotten like that, not wanting to kiss me and all. BUT I did finally talk to him about it. He also said something that bothered him is that I never tell him I miss him....well, that is something I have learned here I believe. Im not sure keeping all my feelings about him to myself was good.
He does want to move home. I told him I want him to move home. BUT that Im not quite ready for that yet. Im scared, nervous and everything thing else that goes with it! He understood and could tell that Im not ready for that yet.
I have noticed LOTS of changes in him over just the last month. Good changes I think...but we have go to learn to let our walls down.
He is of course still concerned about "love" and being "in love". He isnt sure what the difference is. He doesnt tell me he loves me, although I know he does because he will tell me when I say I love him...but we never say it, just when talking about it.
I did tell him last night that I do miss him when he isnt there. But since he seems to be there alot, its hard to miss him
I really need to learn to open up, but when he wants to talk, my mind goes blank....I feel like Im stupid when it comes to that...I just cant figure out what to say. Why is that???
BUt things seem to be on a good road for now. Im just really scared to take the next step of him moving back in. Im sure you all understand why.
We also need to talk to the kids about things because they are confused too. They see their dad there all the time lately, and us getting along so well....man, this piecing is hard!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Good work kissak! Seriously woman, you are moving this along very slowly and that is the only way this is going to work. You certainly don't want him turning into a scared rabbit and going back down the hole.
Your walls are up for good reason. You've been hurt so much that you had to put them in place. As long as he isn't doing things to batter those walls they can gradually come down on their own. You have all the time in the world for this. Ease in, enjoy each other, laugh together, spend time alone, date each other.
I'm pulling for you sweetie!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
After reading your last post, one thing came to mind.....
SELF-PRESERVATION
We (you, me and others here) have been so hurt by the actions of our spouses that we had to put up that barrier (wall). It was not a choice made by us, in a sense. To me it was a necessary to survive. It was created out of the hurt and pain which was a product of their betrayal and what appeared to be a sudden lack of love and concern for our existence. It happened to us, not by our control. What they did (to us) will have an impact on us for the rest of our lives.
Yes, we can still love them.
Yes, we can forgive them.
Yes, we can overcome this all.
It will take time. They need to earn "us" back. They need to prove that they are worthy of our love and forgiveness.
It's like teaching a baby to walk. A baby needs to learn to trust that they will be OK on two legs. That no harm will come to them if they just let go of your hand or the arm of a chair and take that step. It takes courage....It takes trust.
We need to feel we can trust them before the wall comes down completely. This is the work they have to do (all by themselves). We nor anyone else can help them. We can encourage them by being here. We can encourage them by caring and loving and accepting them and what is happening now. I still feel the distance is necessary until they completely accept us back.....just as we are, as well. They can't try and change us. We have changed. We are in control of us, once again.
Therefore, SELF-PRESERVATION is guiding our moves.
When we are not around them we can think of all kinds of good stuff to say. In front of them our SELF-PRESERVATION kicks in.
We want to be honest and endearing to them. We hesitate because our SELF-PRESERVATION kicks in.
We are scared to let them "back" too far. Our SELF-PRESERVATION does not want us to get hurt by them ever again.
After living this he!!, I can't ever imagine letting go of my SELF-PRESERVATION completely, I feel it will always be a part of my life regardless of any relationship I may be in.
Only his repeated positive and loving actions and time can change all of this.
Yes, piecing is hard....from what they say....for those who can endure the difficulty, it is well worth it.
You are doing it right. Slow is right. I agree with Mishka.
I do think you both are wanting the same thing right now and that is one of the first steps. A baby step. Courage and trust to continue will follow.
(((((Hugs)))))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Thank you Sanderika....I agree with what you say. I do think of all kinds of stuff to say to him when he isnt around...good and bad, but when I get in front of him and he asks me to tell him what I am thinking of...well, I cant seem to think of a single thing to say....its so weird.
Things still seem to be going good so far. Got a surprise visit from our old marriage counselor last week. Havent seen him in over a year and I had been thinking about him lately and surprise!! He stops by just wasting time!! So strange!! He just told me to be careful, that my H is good at hiding his feelings...I agreed, but told him I noticed a big difference in the past month or 2...and just hoping its a good thing. But I am afraid that my H will have a problem with something I say or do and just hide it from me hoping it will pass, and that is definitely not what i want to happen!
Still not ready to him to come back home yet...but Im enjoying the time we are spending together, NO eggshells in quite a while!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
