I’m doing fine, thank you for checking on me. No problems, nothing new.
Don’t worry about me feeling resentful. That was fleeting, I was over it by the time I was done typing the post. I am aware that I didn’t speak up; it was easier to say nothing and I know that was my fault. I did that for several years- of course, the other option was walking away back then. At the time, staying seemed like the better choice for more than one reason. Maybe it wasn’t, but I thought it was at the time. I’ll know better next time.
As to why the IC appt. was uneventful- she asked if I was upset about the assault- no; upset at H- no; any pressing issues with being on my own- no. I gave her the highlights of what’s happened over the last couple months, and see her again in a month.
Conversations with H are pretty much limited to kid stuff and an occasional pleasantry. Example- He noticed I wasn’t feeling well when he picked up D17 last Sunday, and sent a text later that night to check on me. I haven’t talked to him yet about starting D paperwork, that’s coming up, don’t know when just yet. I’m in no rush, I guess.
And I’m surprising myself- I hardly think about H during my day, like wonder what he’s up to, what he’s feeling, why did he take the path that he did, etc. It’s easy since he leaves me alone. If they crop up, just file those kind of thoughts away in the memory banks and let them collect dust.
My IC and a friend both said I looked strong, calm and relieved. That surprised me because I don’t feel like that. But I’m not falling apart and I’m not depressed, either. I’m not really feeling anything one way or the other. I’m just here. Nothing seems real and I don’t feel settled yet, even though it’s been almost two months since I moved. That just takes time, I know.
That’s enough rambling for tonight, I'm tired. Good night all.
