Well, it's 6:30pm, here on the eastcoast and in about 14 hrs. my H and I will be leaving for Georgia. It's a biz trip for him and I'm just tagging along. I'm a bit queezy, nervous actually about spending 24/7 with him for an entire week. Today marks our one month of officially living together again. Things have been fine for the most part.
The past 2-3 days however, I've been picking at everything in my mind. It's almost as if I've been looking for an 'out,' a way to sabatoge this trip so that I wouldn't have to go. It's crazy too because I really do want to go, I do want us to get away, I think we BOTH need this time together with out the daily humdrum of life tugging at us.
I THINK my trepidation started Thursday night. My H and I met for dinner after work and while eating I said, "Are you looking forward to our trip?" (EXPECTING of course a jubulant response) and he replied, "Yeah, it should be okay. These trips are boring by yourself." NOT THE ANSWER I WANTED. I grew quiet after that as my mind raced for the 'meaning' behind his answer...what did he just say? did he say, "I always brought SOMEONE on these trips to keep me entertained"...or did he say, "I usually pick someone up where ever I go, to keep me entertained".....my mind spun and bounced around like one of those metal balls in an arcade game. It bounced off every biz trip he'd ever made...it bounced off those times I called his room and got no answer, it bounced off a lot of buried 'red flag' memories that came flashing back from over 25 yrs. My heart raced. I sat there across from him seething, not so much at him, but at myself. My mind was now in over drive and I became hyper senstive to everything. I've "read" into every word he's said since. Every thing he's done. My suspicion is at an all time HIGH, I feel like a caged animal in some ways. Caged by my own fear of "missing something"...some OBVIOUS clue that I'm overlooking that would PROVE that he's still up to something.
I've been looking at him sideways and he's been walking on egg shells. He's kept his distance, not his 'self defense' distance but the distance that says, "I don't want to do anything that will set you off." He's being very careful. He's come up to me and kissed my head, he's talking in his "soft voice"...he's being 'nice'.....and I am thinking, "Nice try Ahole, you think you're pretty slick, well I'm onto YOU pal."
My imagination is beating the hell out of me. I want to run. But I'm trapped and I'm scared.
I am exhausted by the fear of betrayal. I'm exhausted by my H's failure to say and do the things I NEED in order to begin to really heal.
I don't want to go on this trip. I want to be alone. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop being afraid to live.
I'm so grateful to have this board to 'say' what's in my heart and on my mind....it's the only 'safe' place left for me. T2
