Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Well, it is the evening now, kids in bed, wife secluded to the basement. Second night in row, her going to the basement doesn't bother me. If she is chatting with OM, so be it, probably better than talking on the telephone.

My fear of talk of the future doesn't seem to be the case, W just mentioned she talked to supervisor again and basically sold how she was not a good fit for the job. And then seemed to imply to them that I was, I took the opportunity to be a bit "playful" about it and got some real smiles as I was accusing her of trying to sell me for a job I don't want and even poked her in the belly to which she said don't touch me but in a playful way not as in get away from me. Just to be sure not to push too much, I stopped. So that little exchange was good.

But not as good as my glorious kids who do it again for me! First they start talking about the place they went with their mother this summer when I wasn't around and both of them ask over and over if they can go back to this hotel with all of us this time. Then a little later they start talking about the move next summer and the fact they want a pool with our next house to which the W just gives me a look, hard to describe, but a look of understanding that we're a long way from that but the only to give them what they want would be to stay together. At least that's what it seemed to me. Little later W says something about not getting a TM from D8 today after school...and I must have had a look on my face because she said did you get one, and I answered honestly -- yes...that one bothered her. And she asked if I had sent D8 one first and I answered yes I had...again bothered her because obviously she hadn't. Then later when W going thru older daughters homework and telling her how good it is, D8 runs over to me for the praise and the high 5s...why of course, because I have been the one doing all the homework with her every night. The look on W's face told it all--rejection/dejected. Not that I want her to feel bad, but she did this to herself, to them, to us. She has been in a fog or unavailable for too long and I have CHANGED and my relationship with my kids is all I have right now and it means the world to me...and the other hope is the kids might help someday help pull W out of fog. I have to believe they have a better chance than anything else because they used to mean so, so much to her. And she really was trying with them tonight, she was "there" not "somewhere out there" like I've been seeing.

So a decent, stress free evening. W came home late, but early enough to make dinner while I was at swim lessons with girls (although they again were dejected because their mother never takes them), she made us lunches for tomorrow, she helped with everything. She went to the basement to do work because she "got nothing accomplished today" and I just said, sounds like a late night, but again she said no, we have to get up early to work out, I'll just get done what I can. That too is a step in the right direction...previously she would stay up till 1, 2, or even 3 in the morning.

I still don't have trust, still on the lookout for signs of the EA which I saw none one way or the other today. But I'll take an evening where I don't have to do everything and it is relatively stress free.