Quoting Holdingon: The reality is, we have no control over any of this, except our ability to change, grow and WAIT.
Very Very true.
At our first MC session with the good C, she asked CJ how many of my "changes" he believed were for real (I'd been DBing for 5 months)...all? some? or none?
He thought about it (my heart in my throat) and said "Some".
My heart leapt with joy, because I KNEW that the changes were for real and time was on my side. He said something to the effect of ..."well if they're still around in another 6 months..." and I thought: "DONE!!! "
T2, I took your advise and did share with my H my need to know where things stood in regards to the OW. He was very sweet and said he still has not talked to her. He said she has not called him and that she may not. I told him not to count on that. I asked him if he's thought about what he'll say to her. He told me he'd tell her that he did not want to talk to her anymore, that he and I were back together and that I did not want there to be any contact at all, and that what I wanted was very important to him. I asked him if he was waiting for her to call him and he said yes. I asked him if he would tell me as soon as she contacted him and he said yes, he would. I dropped it then. I believe him. I think he's really telling the truth this time and wants to end it. I think he's wanted to for a long time, but wanted her there when we were not talking. I know since we've been separated this time talking is all they've done. He stopped sleeping with her after I first found out about them. Last night I was prepared to stay with him all night. He did not want me to leave our S home alone. I told him he was a big boy (17) and he was still concerned. He told me I was all he had now. H feels our S does not feel connected to him anymore since I told him he said he'd move out if H moved back in. It hurt him very deeply. He's fighting to regain not only my trust but that of his son. Our older S also has major issues with him. They both love him,but have so much pain over what he's done. Our S had a BIG date last night with his girlfriend, and he said I should be here when he got home. He was right, but I told him that OUR R was important too,and that our S needs to know we are together. He is a very good Father and loves his kids with a huge intensity. He won't stay here overnight because he does not want to upset our S (which it would at this point), and he wants me to be home at night, says I should not leave our S at home alone. I did ask him if he WANTED me to stay with him. He said "Yes, he did, but right now while S is getting used to us being together we need to take his feelings into consideration. I know he feels like he's hurt him enough, and he does not want to be the cause of anymore pain for him so he is honoring his feelings. This makes it difficult for me. I want us to spend more time together,but I also want to take our S's feelings into consideration and give him time to trust this. I think when we take our trip to Colorado over Thanksgiving it will help alot. We will be with both boys. We really need this time together. T2, I need to thank you for your awesome post to me and all the effort you put into it. You have gone before me,and have failed once at reconciliation as we have, and now are at a whole new place together. Isn't it funny that at first all we think about is getting back together? There's SO much more to it! I think it's such a process-it takes awhile to figure it all out. Falling on our faces once makes us learn from our mistakes. Time also helps. Time to work through all the feelings. Until we do, we will not be happy. We have to forgive also. I had not forgiven my H last time he came home. I have now. That's not to be confused with forgetting. We can never forget it nor do I think we should. (as if we could!) It reminds us we should not take our R for granted-ever. T2, you have come such a long way. You give hope to others here on this BB. It gives them hope in the process also. All of us who have been here awhile know the kind of energy it takes to wait until our H get through whatever it is they go through. It's so hard, and there are no guarantees for any of us, but to keep on going it does make it easier when we hear stories such as yours. So please, keep posting! It's not over when they come home, and your posts remind of us of that. It does sound like your H is very commited to you and your R. From where we stand its sounds like a dream come true, but from where you stand your still working through the daily trials. Thank you for sharing those with us T2! Rachael
Hi T2~ Just checking in to say hi...hope all is well!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Well, it's 6:30pm, here on the eastcoast and in about 14 hrs. my H and I will be leaving for Georgia. It's a biz trip for him and I'm just tagging along. I'm a bit queezy, nervous actually about spending 24/7 with him for an entire week. Today marks our one month of officially living together again. Things have been fine for the most part.
The past 2-3 days however, I've been picking at everything in my mind. It's almost as if I've been looking for an 'out,' a way to sabatoge this trip so that I wouldn't have to go. It's crazy too because I really do want to go, I do want us to get away, I think we BOTH need this time together with out the daily humdrum of life tugging at us.
I THINK my trepidation started Thursday night. My H and I met for dinner after work and while eating I said, "Are you looking forward to our trip?" (EXPECTING of course a jubulant response) and he replied, "Yeah, it should be okay. These trips are boring by yourself." NOT THE ANSWER I WANTED. I grew quiet after that as my mind raced for the 'meaning' behind his answer...what did he just say? did he say, "I always brought SOMEONE on these trips to keep me entertained"...or did he say, "I usually pick someone up where ever I go, to keep me entertained".....my mind spun and bounced around like one of those metal balls in an arcade game. It bounced off every biz trip he'd ever made...it bounced off those times I called his room and got no answer, it bounced off a lot of buried 'red flag' memories that came flashing back from over 25 yrs. My heart raced. I sat there across from him seething, not so much at him, but at myself. My mind was now in over drive and I became hyper senstive to everything. I've "read" into every word he's said since. Every thing he's done. My suspicion is at an all time HIGH, I feel like a caged animal in some ways. Caged by my own fear of "missing something"...some OBVIOUS clue that I'm overlooking that would PROVE that he's still up to something.
I've been looking at him sideways and he's been walking on egg shells. He's kept his distance, not his 'self defense' distance but the distance that says, "I don't want to do anything that will set you off." He's being very careful. He's come up to me and kissed my head, he's talking in his "soft voice"...he's being 'nice'.....and I am thinking, "Nice try Ahole, you think you're pretty slick, well I'm onto YOU pal."
My imagination is beating the hell out of me. I want to run. But I'm trapped and I'm scared.
I am exhausted by the fear of betrayal. I'm exhausted by my H's failure to say and do the things I NEED in order to begin to really heal.
I don't want to go on this trip. I want to be alone. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop being afraid to live.
I'm so grateful to have this board to 'say' what's in my heart and on my mind....it's the only 'safe' place left for me. T2
Yikes... maybe it was Halloween causing all of this??
Quote: My suspicion is at an all time HIGH, I feel like a caged animal in some ways
Ditto, here. And it is not a good feeling. I wonder did my H take too many steps forward, now has gone back to OW?
Quote: My imagination is beating the hell out of me. I want to run.
Me too. Only I don't have anything here to run away from... I just want to run away from the whole situation. The wondering, the not knowing, the wanting to call and knowing better not too. Wanting to ask questions but not wanting to hear the answer. Just wanting my life back.
I have said in the past that worry is a waste of the imagination. And you know it is. You need to do the same thing you have always done, the same thing you tell us to do... take one day at a time. Enjoy each moment for what it is, not what it should be, could be, etc. Just have fun. No serious stuff, enjoy. Use a beginner's mind on this trip... no expectations (believe me, they only cause problems!) HAVE FUN (if it kills you!)
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
You know, some times I pity my H: the man cannot win! If he calls me to tell me he is doing something (he knows it reassures me to know always where he is) I suspect he is really calling me so that I will not call him later and 'catch him'. Of course if he does not call me I ASSume what he is doing (and it is not good and involves OW or women)....
If he spends the whole day with us and leaves late to do the work he could not do during the day I think he is going out with someone. If he goes instead early in the morning, before breakfast, so that he can have the rest of the day with us, he is sneaking out to breakfast with OW...
And so on...
Could you possibly be doing the same type of thing?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
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