The last three days were really awesome for some reason. Prior to that, we just seemed out of tough with each other. Out of the blue, my ex was super lovely dovely (being affectionate, talking in the middle of the night). We also made love several times each of the three nights (something we hadn't done in months). It was as if she was really trying to make it work. It's hard to tell if she was doing that because I told her I wanted to postpone the wedding, something she took really hard when I told her a couple of weeks ago) and if she was just trying to prove to me that she was serious. Whatever the motive, those three days were probably the best I've had in over a year.
Then today it all went down the crapper. Yesterday I was in a car accident and my car got totaled. I've been really stressed out lately because the financial situation we are in. Been very tough. Yet, yesterday I was actual in a pretty good mood in spite of losing the only vehicle I have (although my ex still has hers). Today, I was really frustrated. Mainly because I'm in such a tight spot that I can't really afford to get a car. Well, my ex could tell that I was frustrated and asked me why. I told her that I didn't really want to talk about it and that it was best that she not push the subject. Well, she did and I pretty much said every wrong thing. In short, I told her that I was frustrated because I felt that she put me in this predicament by wanting to buy the house now rather than wait another year like I wanted. At the time I was paying low rent at some apartment and would have paid off most of my debts within that time frame. The original plan was to do just that so that when we moved in, finances wouldn't be much of an issue. Several months ago my ex told me that if we didn't buy the house, that she would move on with her life. She in many ways I felt like I had no choice and went ahead in brought the house even though I didn't feel comfortable buying it. Well, I brought that issue up and vented on how now we are in this mess because she didn't want to wait and do things right, etc etc.
Needless to say, she is rightfully very upset and told me that she is done trying. That I haven't changed and that will be out of the house once I come back from London. I did all the DB "no no(s)" such as begging, pleading asking her to forgive, that I wanted to be a family, etc. That of course pushed her away further. She was really hurt by what I said. I feel like such an a-hole.
It is as if I was back to my "old, pre DB self" again. Right now, I am just out of steam and don't know if I have the strength to really try to put this together. I want to be a family, but I am real frustrated about our finances (don't know how I'm getting to work tomorrow), and although the last three days were great, I was a doormat prior to that. I almost feel like I am having a MLC. Well, it's really late. I wish I was in London now just so I can have some time to think.
On the one hand, I am sorry you find yourself in the financial and emotional situation you are in. On the other hand, my experience is that my greatest times of growth come in times of trials. I think the things you and your W both have to deal with......MUST be dealt with....whether you have the strength and maturity to do it now.....OR you delay it until your next relationship and deal with it then! I don't believe there is any way around it. She thinks YOU are the reason for her pain...you think SHE is the reason for your pain. Neither view is true! I pray that you don't give up on the hard work you started. In know it may feel like you are starting over at times.....but, you are not....as long as you and your W learn something, grow, and move forward. The greatest lesson I learned leading up to my reconciliation with my W was....I ONLY control MY actions. So, what are you gonna do, LNMW? I hope you "man up", acknowledge your contributions to the current situation, ask your W for forgiveness, and move forward to the awesome restoration that awaits. You got a taste of it for those 3 days you described. Oh....and, yes, your W is plenty at fault....but, I believe God is working on her too....so, let that be!
Also, I have to say that my sense is you are over-reacting to your financial situation. If you are within striking distance of being debt-free, I wonder if you are TOO concerned about finances. If I look back over the 30 years since I graduated from college, I can think of many times where I was VERY stressed about finances. In fact, in the grand scheme of that 30 years, we have done fine financially and no major tragedy has befallen us despite going through a separation, pending divorce, and job loss! Just make sure you have your whole financial situation in proper perspective!
Hope this helps!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
It is so good to hear from you. I was wondering where you where at. Regarding the financial situations, before I brought the house I was basically paying cheap rent and had most of my income going towards debt. With the house, I am barely breaking even. I think my W always thought that because I went to Harvard that I somehow had a lot of money. I think now she is beginning to realize how dire the situation really is and has agreed to talk to a Realtor to see how big of a lost we would take if we sold it now.
I just feel really screwed right now. On one hand, I'm glad I'm with our family. We have a lot of issues to work out, but at least we our together. On the other hand, I am really stressed out about the $$$. I have no car, no means to buy one, and can barely make my mortgage. I have a lot of resentment and hate myself for not standing my ground about the house when I felt it was the wrong decision.
I guess I am both happy and sad; feel like I am trapped. I really wanted to wait one more year to work out our relationship issues, pay off debt and then look into moving in together/taking the next step. I am just so angry right now and have been doing my best to just keep it inside.
LMNW, Unfortunately you are far from alone with stress from the finances these days.
OK, you made a mistake with the house, but it sounds as if your W is trying to understand.
Also, consider that being together is probably saving you all kinds of hidden costs. You are no longer supporting one and a half households--you are supporting one.
How is your little girl? Realize it is the child fantasy to have parents back together, esp. preschool age....
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I don't really have the emotional strength to get into all the details, but right now I feel like my whole life is coming apart. My EX has decided to leave the house and she has been packing her stuff since yesterday. Her grandma is giving her a house. I will write in more detail of what has happened since January, but I know I made some mistakes. I stopped DBing, we started to get into arguments over money, work and in short started to disrespect each other. I don't want to lose my family and this morning I all I was doing was the big DB NO-NO. Begging, crying, etc - telling her how much I love her. She is at fault as I am. I should have been the better person and loved her. Right now, I need an emergency DB if there is such a thing. I don't know if there is any hope at this point. She has lost all trust with me. She told me this morning that she should have never given me a second chance. Looking back, I wasted such an opportunity. I screwed up. I had my family back and now they are on the verge of being gone again - this time for good. It's heartbreaking when your daughter is telling her that she doesn't want to leave. It hurts when my ex acts like she has no emotions, that she is not hurt, that she can act like this doesn't affect her when I am just a total mess. She is leaving one week from now. That means I have one week to try. I don't thing I can go through the emotional train wreck that I went through a year and half ago. I feel so lost.
I just wanted to vent. I will fill you in on the details so I can get so advice.
I have to tell you, though, that you really need to spend some time and learn something from this experience. You left your XW when she was at her most vulnerable, you reconsidered and did everything to try and win her back, but you never really seemed willing to accept that you'd tremendously hurt her. You seemed more focused on yourself and why she wasn't meeting your needs.
Given that you'd abandoned her and she had to take care of your child alone, it's no surprise to me that you'd have to do backbends to get back in her good graces. But you did that. Unfortunately, there was that next wall - your expectations and the finances. Those are always going to be there. You either handle it, or you don't. It seems like you didn't do so well. That's where communication skills come in to play, but I never had the feeling that you two were communicating.
Of course I don't know the exact dynamics. But I have to say that I'm a bit more on your XW's side on this one. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't give you the time of day. Maybe an unnecessary 2x4, but I'm being honest. I think you'd do well to get some counseling, to re-examine your values, learn some communication skills, and mature a bit. It may be that you were never suited to be with your XW, but the way this sitch has played out, as recorded through your posts, seems a bit ... unnecessary.
Good luck. I hope you find what you're looking for. As I've done before, I encourage you to read your name, "Love no matter what," and think about what that means.
