Hey antlers... just checking in. Sorry about the communication problems you are experiencing right now. Great goal on working on your listening, vs. waiting for a chance to speak.
I wonder if you have considered, or perhaps already have, sitting your younger D and S down for a grownup talk about feelings, and where they are coming from, and where you are coming from? Much of what you've been sharing here should be shared with them. You're hurt, but you love them and always will, and you're willing to give them space if they need it, and will never give up on them. Also, a frequent fear for kids is that they are responsible for the breakup somehow. So, reassure them they aren't, and maybe speak about older D too... you love her and always will, and you understand this is tough on everyone.
Rambling thoughts, but if they haven't heard the good things you are sharing here - they need too! Set some ground rules for the discussion... time to talk, time to listen, no one yells, etc. and if you talk to them maturely, I think they will do the same.
