Can I save my marriage?

[Ready2Change]

Who would have thought that now that my H is home it is almost more stressful then when he was gone.

Without clear boundaries? I would have. Definitely. Puppy

Hi sweetie,

Setting/enforcing boundaries is counter-intuitive, but very effective. Boundaries are effective in all parts of your life. Have you read Cloud's book?

[RedHeadWife]

What happened to Britt?

[TrentC]

Her computer died several weeks ago, so she can only read and post from her phone until it gets replaced.

At least, that's the last that we heard from her.

[TrentC]

Hope everything is going well, britt.

Stop by and give us an update when you get a chance.

[Lll54]

SORRY, my computer is still not back. Its so hard to check this and update my sitch and others as well. Cant' wait for it to get back!!!!!

I'm at work now, only have a minute.

Situation not good. My H is treating me like a roomate. I actually told him that the other day and that I don't want to be his roomate. He flew off the handle and threatened to leave again. His exact words were " It will suck for Marek, and it will suck for Talan, but at least then i don't have to put up with this crap"

I didn't know how to respond. I was scared to death. The original conversation started when I told him we needed to talk. Since H got home, things have been okay, so days better than others but overall well. Then the past week, there has been no affection whatsoever. Which hasn't happened since he came home. It was odd to be and bothered me, so i brought it up. He got upset, said this is the reason why he left in the first place...which doesn't make sense.

Since the talk, things have gotten a little bit better, but not like they have been since coming home.

He has been gone alot. Very busy schedule lately, with work, and hockey.

Does not make time for me at all. More to story, just no time to get it in now. Very dissapointed, and stressed out.

Scared to death to make boundaries, as soon as I bring up any feelings or problems I may be having, he has not consideration and blows up.

He just wants me to be the "perfect wife" in his eyes. Do everything for him, take care of him, do his laundry, make his meals, take care of his children, give him intimacy when HE wants it, do things with him when he feels like his is having a "family" day, and when he wants to run around like a single man and go for drinks three times a week and not invite me I am supposed to be okay with that too. Its getting upsetting.

[TrentC]

Situation not good. My H is treating me like a roomate. I actually told him that the other day and that I don't want to be his roomate. He flew off the handle and threatened to leave again. His exact words were " It will suck for Marek, and it will suck for Talan, but at least then i don't have to put up with this crap"

So if he stays, he's just a roommate. If you press the issue, he walks (again!) It sounds like a no-win situation for you.

I didn't know how to respond. I was scared to death.

Of course you were. You've been afraid that he's going to walk out again since before he agreed to move back in. And he knows it.

Since the talk, things have gotten a little bit better, but not like they have been since coming home.

Then it's time for professional marriage counseling. You can't fix this by yourself.

Scared to death to make boundaries, as soon as I bring up any feelings or problems I may be having, he has not consideration and blows up.

And as long as this dynamic continues, you will be stuck.

There are three options:

1) You two agree to joint marriage counseling and try to work this out.
2) You put up with it and let him treat you like a roommate and live-in maid for the rest of your lives.
3) You kick his shameless ass out again and file for D.

He just wants me to be the "perfect wife" in his eyes. Do everything for him, take care of him, do his laundry, make his meals, take care of his children, give him intimacy when HE wants it, do things with him when he feels like his is having a "family" day, and when he wants to run around like a single man and go for drinks three times a week and not invite me I am supposed to be okay with that too. Its getting upsetting.

That's not a "perfect wife"; that's a servant with benefits.

Where are you in that fantasy life of his? What does he do in that scenario that is for you?

[motherof3]

Brit,

Sounds like you need to set some boundaries or you are going to be the live-in maid/nanny by choice.

Stick up for yourself. You really do deserve better.

Mo3

[TrentC]

Question for you, britt:

There are three options:

1) You two agree to joint marriage counseling and try to work this out.
2) You put up with it and let him treat you like a roommate and live-in maid for the rest of your lives.
3) You kick his shameless ass out again and file for D.

Do you see a fourth option? If so, how does it play out?

[flowmom]

Situation not good. My H is treating me like a roomate. I actually told him that the other day and that I don't want to be his roomate. He flew off the handle and threatened to leave again. His exact words were " It will suck for Marek, and it will suck for Talan, but at least then i don't have to put up with this crap"

I can understand why you said that...it sounds like things are in a really precarious position where you feel like you are walking on eggshells. Just thinking though, it might have sounded accusatory to your H? What would it look like if he was not treating you like a roommate right now, yet still easing into things slowly? Do you have babystep goals identified for right now that let you know that progress is being made?

[TrentC]

I had to steal this from another thread, it was so good.

I want you to think about this question really hard:

Who do you have control over?

...

After you have that question answered, think about this question, think about this one really hard:

How hard is it for you to make that person change their behavior?

...

Now, how hard do you think it is for that person to change someone else's behavior?

The three options that I presented to you all have one thing in common: they involve definite action initiated by you.

If you can come up with another option that doesn't involve waiting for him to magically change the crappy, entitled attitude he's had since September, I'm all ears.