Victim of Walkaway Wife

[christianhusband]

One of the 180 rules was not to speak about the future together. How do I find out what her plans are w/o discussing our future living arrangements? Seems like a violation of this rule if I sit her down and say 'okay, am I going to be living in this new rental or are you getting this place for yourself and taking the kids along with you?'

Along those lines, how tough should I take my stand on saying, 'you want your space, you go rent a place and I'll stay with the kids'? We've already touched on that subject, and her immediate response was, "I'll go get a lawyer. The kids need their mother .... I'm the nurturer ... you can't even comb your daughter's hair!"

At the time of this discussion, I didn't push it because I thought it was a bit pre-mature to start talking lawyers and volleying threats back and forth.

[sandi2]

In the list of 180's and talking about the future....it means that if the LBH was consistantly talking to the WAW about their future together....in the same context he would point out how great their M life was and would get the old wedding pictures out to show her, etc. This was a 180 direction and to be stopped at once. A 180 to his usual pattern.

That list is a general list of suggestions for people to have. They aren't rules & regulations. You have to look at your stitch and do what needs to be done accordingly.

In your personal stitch, you should not "assume" anything. It sounds as if you have allowed your W to run the show for much too long. You need to take control of your life and protect it and your children. If she is talking S/D then you should not do anything to help her or make things easier for her. Find a place for you and the children to live and she doesn't want to join you, then she can pay for her ow place. Don't be a doormat.

[C-Bart]

There seem to be some gaps in your story CH. How can your W terminate the lease on your house? Is your name not on the lease?

Don't fold just because your W threatens you with a L. She has no right to take your kids away from you.

[flowmom]

Along those lines, how tough should I take my stand on saying, 'you want your space, you go rent a place and I'll stay with the kids'? We've already touched on that subject, and her immediate response was, "I'll go get a lawyer. The kids need their mother .... I'm the nurturer ... you can't even comb your daughter's hair!"

At the time of this discussion, I didn't push it because I thought it was a bit pre-mature to start talking lawyers and volleying threats back and forth.

That sounds like a very tricky situation because the children are being put in the middle in the conversation that you are referencing. If you have not been an involved parent to your children, then it could be traumatic for them to be without their mother, even if it's her choice to move out.

Maybe you could tackle it with, "I want to live as a family, with you and our children...let's look at how to create more space for you while we continue to live together".

It sounds like a lot of moves in a short period during a turbulent time. Is the proposed move really in your children's interest? Try to bring the conversations back to that unless she seems dead set on separate residences.

Rethink the word victim. The more you think about yourself as a victim of marriage/financial, etc. problems, the less of your own power you are recognizing. I know how you feel...I am still devastated by my H suddenly moving out and some big financial stresses, etc. But I'm trying not to let myself fall into feeling like a victim.

Let your W see that you are not a victim and show that you can "take care of business" when it comes to sorting out finances and standing your ground with quiet assertiveness.

I wish you strength. Walk carefully and study sandi's post. You are still living together and you have opportunities that I wish I still had.

[Ready2Change]

Read : This thread

[christianhusband]

I only recently discovered this site and just finished chapter 5 of DR ... I am in the LRT. When I recognized that my marriage was in trouble, I sought to change the areas that I knew were driving her away. I was doing 180s w/o knowing the term 180.

But it seems to be backfiring. We went into counseling with the 'divorce option completely off the table', to where we are today, with her saying she does not want to be married and we're looking at separation.

She told the counselor, 'I see him trying so hard, and it's making me feel guilty. The only way I can deal with it is to get him out of the house.'

Where am I going wrong? Is the guilt a good sign, at least there is some remorse there that has struck her? She knows I'm not intentionally trying to make her feel guilty. Help, please.

[MrBond]

"The only way I can deal with it is to get him out of the house.'"

Okay first off, there's nothing wrong with you. It's all her. If she sees you doing the work, she has no one else to blame but herself. So she doesn't want to do that, so instead she continues to blame you by saying that YOU need to leave the house.

Well first thing to do is DON'T. DO NOT move out! She has the issue, then SHE needs to leave if she "can't deal". Why should you.

That's the first thing that you need to do is to get the respect back from her. Stand your ground and protect what's yours.

[chatterbug]

You are going to work here.

No one else.

[christianhusband]

I feel like I'm just slipping back into the person she started to fall out of love with. If I do the DR "getting on" thing, all I feel I'm doing is being the "you do your own thing" kind of person that she learned to resent.

It seems the more I get on, the more comfortable she feels that everything's okay. He's getting on. This is okay ... it's just as easy for him as it is for me.

And the longer I'm around, the more confirmation it seems to be in her eyes that she's right ... everything that she sees wrong with me can be validated in one screw up, despite all the right things I've done recently. For example, tonight, while I was still at work, a call came through from a realtor that someone wanted to see the house (we're getting out of our lease so that we can move to a less expensive place, and be able to afford a separate apartment for me). I came home and could tell she was mad, had cleaning materials in hand and was cleaning, saying the house was a mess. But when I'd left the house this morning, after getting the kids off to the bus, I'd scrambled around making sure the house was clean in case someone wanted to look at it. To me, the place looked fine. To her, it was a mess. So, anything I'd done by way of being pro-active in the way of contributing to housework was lost in 'I still need to do everything around here.'

[C-Bart]

You may have accept the fact that this is the way she is. Be careful trying to please her cause you can't.

Also don't fall for the trap of if she sees me doing ok then she will feel better about moving on. Much of what works is counter intuitive. You taking care of your issues allows her to shift focus off from you and eventually look at how she contributed to the problems. Thats the hidden message behind DB.

Be very careful of this situation with the house. There are many people on this very board who regret moving out or away from their families. Everything you do from this point sets the president for how things will work if you do get a D. Just keep that in mind when it comes to custody, child support, alimony, etc.