I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[chatterbug]

so what are you doing to activly fight depression.

List your GAL's

[talia]

For depression I'm in therapy e/o week. There's alot of constructive "homework" that goes with that. I'm journaling daily, which is new for me, but I'm enjoying it. Working out has helped a bunch and I've recently joined a support group to talk to others who have been through the same thing. My mom has been a big help with this. She suffers from depression and counsels people full time so I talk to her alot about how I'm feeling in between therapy sessions. I think the biggest thing I'm doing is actively reaching out when I have a tough time. I would never have done that in the past. Talking through my feelings usually helps me see things clearer. I am fortunate that I have a few close people who can help me with that.

As for GAL,
I've started dance lessons and going to clubs to practice. Thats something I've always wanted to learn but H wouldn't ever go.
I've joined a running club so I can meet people who have similar interests. I love live music and comedy so I've been doing more of that with friends. I've taken up with some friends for game night a couple times a month. I'm renovating our house the way we wanted it, with a few of my own wants thrown in. I've re-connected with friends I let fall away in the last year, we've been going out to see local music shows together. I took a trip to visit family over my wedding anniversary in Oct. I'm trying to plan another trip to visit friends in CO this spring, finances willing. I've been spending alot more time with family too and making new friends at my new job.

Talia

[talia]

Flowmom,
Be careful with St. Johns Wart. Its a great herb but it reduces the effectiveness of OTC birth control by 50%. That may not be a concern for you, but it is for me. While I'm not having sex these days I don't want to take any chances.

[MarkG]

My WAW found out I was obsessing over her facebook so she blocked me. You might think of doing that, it would drive him nuts. Short version of my story is our daughter was injured in Feb, kids were removed from home by social services in March thinking we were to blame, we both got selfish with our emotions and in July we both dealt some really bad blows to eachother, skipped celebrating our 1 year anniversary, and she left in early August. She jumped right to OM and they're already engaged, they broke up in Nov, then back together 3 weeks later. Sounds like you're on the right path earlier than I was, I chased her right out the door and even up until last week was being too needy with her. After chasing her for 5 months now I've got a long ways to go, but I think the email I sent her was a good start.

[talia]

HI Mark,
I know how you feel! I chased H right out the door looking back, and then after he left I drove him right to OW. At least you are here now! Someone on here has a quote that says every day is another chance to get it right.

I'm not sure that typical WAH stuff would work on him. I'm trying to understand if his low self esteem and abuse issues make him react differently than a typical WAH. Maybe I'm overthinking things?

H was texting me this weekend to do something for him and I didn't respond. Last night he accused me of being spiteful. I don't understand why he still seems to think that I should be available for every little thing. I frusterates me. Should I pick my battles or toe the hard line with everything?

[chatterbug]

Sometimes you need to direct the path of the head buffalo over the cliff to get the kill.

[talia]

Hard line it is!

[flowmom]

I'm not sure that typical WAH stuff would work on him. I'm trying to understand if his low self esteem and abuse issues make him react differently than a typical WAH.

Can't comment on the abuse factor, but I'm guessing that low self esteem must be common among WAHs? People who are genuinely feeling good about themselves work on relationships that are essentially loving (and non-abusive) -- don't they?

[MarkG]

Also talia did you read up on BPD (borderline personality disorder)? Not that you or I could diagnose him, but what's your take on it? My W's BPD has been pointed out by my D's counselor and my phsych teacher, but never diagnosed. She has been diagnosed bipolar, which is also probably true, and is on meds for that. They seem to be working for the mood swings, but the IC is going slow as far as I can tell. IC, specifically cognitive therapy, is the treatment for BPD. Here are some classic signs I've seen in my W:

valuation/devaluation - the I love you/I hate you cycle - love seems conditional based on minute-by-minute what's happening in conversation or situations

black & white thinking - no mediums or compromises - "I want to go to A" "I want to go to B" "How about we go to A 1st, I'll cut my time short, and we'll go to B the rest of the night" "How bout we just do whatever you want cuz it's always about what you want" "Fine we'll just go to B" "No, you already made up your mind"

covering up relationships with outwardly more intense relationships - picking up the next relationship where the last one "should have left off" even though the relationship is new (why my W has been engaged since less than a month after our separation to someone she met online 3 days before our separation)

intense anger
"you don't love me"
unstable relationships
coping with problems through alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling


It doesn't have to be that extreme either, but generally the low self-esteem, black & white thinking, devaluation of relationships, thinking loved ones don't care, and intense mood swings sum up the more noticable symptoms. Other weird statistics - over 70% of people with BPD reported childhood abuse; genetics is also thought to be linked; commonly occurs with addiction, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. I see a lot of that from what you post on here about your H. I'm not trying to diagnose, just something you might want to look at closer because if mental disorders go untreated there is little hope for R, MC, M, or anything that follows.

[talia]

Hi Mark,
Thats very insightful - I have't done much research on it. I do think that H is depressed, but I'm not sure there is an underlying mental condition. He very much fits the "mid-life crisis" mold - even though he's only 30. Several sources for the abuse perspective see his low self esteem and control/passive/aggressive issues as big area's of concern. Reality is I would be happy to help him deal with whatever his issues might be, but he has to want to deal with them and right now he's running from them as fast as he can. None of his behavior - historically or now - has been as extreme as what you describe above. My brother has Bi-Polar disorder - so I have some idea as to what that looks like, H isn't it! H does need IC to deal with his issues.

Hi Flowmom,
I agree - people with high self esteem would want to work on a mostly healthy relationship. They would also be confident in themselves enough to help a partner who is having a tough time - like my depression - through that time without thinking its a direct reflection on their ability to make that person happy. Clearly low self esteem is the hallmark of a WAS.


Therapy last night when great. Therapist is very happy with how well I'm handling situations and how well I'm implementing boundaries - with everyone, not just H. I'm also using my coping skills much better and in an empowering way. I couldn't be happier with how I'm feeling, even though I miss H and wish this part would just get better.

Hope you all have a fabulous day!