Not really piecing and trying not to jinx it, but

[Freckle6]

Talked to H on the phone tonight and I broke it to him that we were officially D. We laughed about it. He didn't know yet. Then he talked lots about living here and some things he wanted to do with the house.

When he starts talking about moving here, I never really encourage it--I agree that the ideas he has fixing up the house are good (they're usually things we talked about and agreed to years ago) but I'm long past the "come home, come home" stage of desperation. If it happens, I want it to be his decision. Not that I don't have a say in it, but I don't want to influence or persuade him.

It actually feels like when we were living together for so long and would talk marriage. I never brought it up and never pressured. He was feeling pressure to propose from our families and I told him over the years that I would never give him an ultimatum or try to talk him into getting married, because I don't want to marry someone I have to threaten or trick into it. And he did eventually come to that point on his own and he was so excited to propose.

I'm not going to beg him to move back or even try to sneakily convince. If it's meant to be, it'll happen when it's supposed to. I know that's what he wants (I assume if he didn't he wouldn't be mentioning it so much...?) and I obviously want to be a family again too, but only when the time is right in his heart and head. It's still too soon right now anyway, but I do feel more at ease with the idea as time goes on.

We talked more about making camping reservations for this summer (!!!) and again about taking our son to church (assuming it doesn't burn down when I walk through the doors).

When we were saying goodbye for the night, I said "goodnight ex-husband". I think that'll be all I joke about that with him though. What matters is right now. We are a family regardless because of our S and we have a looooong history (Saturday was the 19th anniversary of the first time we.... -19 years!!! Holy crap.). The D being finalized is just another blip in there. I'm more interested in today and the future.

Like DDay had a dream about remarrying his W the other night, I had a dream we were in bed about to go to sleep and he told me he loved me. That's what I'm hoping for in the near future. I know he does, I just want to hear it from him.