Need Some Help and Advice......Here's My Story.

[wishbone]

I wanted to post this again to get some help and comments about my situation. Thanks for any advice....I sure need it. Below is "my story".

My wife and I have been married for over 25 years. We have three children, one married two at home. My wife left our home about six months ago. She lives close by with our two daughters.

My wife and I have been drifting apart for several years. She was a stay at home Mom for many of our first years together, but for the past few years has been working out of the home. I guess looking back on all of this my biggest failure was being there yet, not being there. I failed to participate with my family on many levels and with many things, if that makes any sense. I worked, I came home, I did MY thing..then off to work the next day. Because of this my wife literally had to raise our children by herself. This has made me very sad to realize this...but with God's help I'm dealing with it. I know I can't go back..only forward. My wife and I actually met in church. Years after we married I stopped attending, but she continued to be involved with the church. Throughout our marriage my wife almost never expressed her feelings to me. She would never tell me she had a problem with this or that, just went along with almost anything I did. A few years ago she did start to express herself saying we couldn't go on in our present state(drifting apart). She suggested a separation, I didn't agree. We continued to "drift" apart. The church she attended continued to pray for me and for us. About two years ago I was led to start attending church with my wife again. I experienced a "rebirth" in the spiritual way. Things "seemed" to be much better, but little did I know...they weren't.

After almost by accident I learned of, what I believe to be, an emotional affair between my wife and someone who works in her building. This devastated me, to say the least. I learned of this about six months after I began attending our church again. When I asked her about this "friendship", she told me that's exactly what he was, a good friend. They began having "tea" each morning(and still do), sending emails, etc. But, please don't misunderstand me here. I do NOT believe this is the problem with our marriage, just a product of our drifting apart over the years. When I asked her that she discontinue these morning tea parties, she reluctantly agreed. But, several weeks later she continued again.

During this whole process, my wife has told me, "I love you but, I'm not in love with you". She says that she's NEVER had any good memories of our time together, just negative experiences, always just "surviving". She says that when we first married she did love me deeply. But that at some point it just became survival. She tells me that she doesn't think she could love anyone the way she loved me again. She feels numb, with almost no feelings sometimes. She has told me that she would like to be "far away" where no one knows her. When I began attending our church again and really seeking God in my life, she told me that just because I was trying to "get things right" doesn't mean everything is OK now. She would say that all the years of our marriage it's always been about you. I don't think you are strong enough to take the "other side of me", she would say. I have asked for her forgiveness as well as the forgiveness of my children. I thought this would be a step in the right direction. I started going to counseling. This did help me. She would not agree to go.

At the beginning of all this I was constantly trying to get my wife to talk to me. I was always telling her "I love you", calling her, etc. This seemed to agitate her. She would tell me I needed to be with this type of person or that type of person. When I would say I don't want to be with anyone else, she would become angry. Back last summer we took a family vacation, something we hadn't done for many years. I thought this might "jump start" things. We did seem to have a good time. But, after we returned from our trip she tells me she's decided to move out. At this point in all this, I wasn't extremely surprised. For the last two years, around me, she has been very PO'd. Around others she seems to be very happy. She says all her memories of me and our marriage are very negative. It has seemed the harder I tried the worse it has become. Then about a month or so ago I found this forum and the book Divorce Remedy.

I decided to try the "last resort" technique, all the while with some degree of skepticism. I have seen some change since beginning this, to my surprise. She seems to be more "talkative" with me. Sometimes she calls me, instead of the other way around. I have always tried to help my wife financially and every other way since she left. But, now I do not offer. If she asks me I try to do whatever I can. I have stopped the "I love you's". I used to give her a hug when leaving her place, which I don't do now. This has all been VERY difficult for me! I sometimes feel by doing this that I'm neglecting her like I've done before in our marriage. But I'm trying to stay the course.

Here is my question(s). Next month is our 26th wedding anniversary. What do I do, or NOT do? Do I send a card, buy flowers, ask her out for dinner? Or do nothing. Doing nothing would be VERY, VERY difficult for me. I do love my wife very much. I have always sent flowers/cards/went out to dinner, even in our worst years. I'm not sure how she would react if I didn't do anything. But, I need advice in the worst way. Also, how do I deal with her relationship with "her friend"? This is very hard for me to ignore. Maybe I'm not in a position to do anything about it, but it hurts me deeply that she is having an EA with this person. I can't stop thinking about it. I just fear it will eventually turn into a physical affair and I'm not sure how I would handle that. She really enjoys her time and interaction with "her friend".

Thanks for any comments....

[motherof3]

(((WB)))

I am sorry that you had to find your way to this sight. But is it a good place to be. I have found this board to be a place to vent, journal, and find support.

What reason did your wife give for moving out? Is she at a place where MC would be considered?

Keep your eyes open. There may be more to the EA than you think.

As far as the anniversary goes. My first response would be to do nothing. Stop pursuing.

Others will chime in too. However, the more you post/offer support on other people's threads, the more responses you will see in turn. Even if you don't know what to say, just to know someone is listening/reading/feeling the same way is comforting.

Mo3

[Deep]

Hi wishbone, sorry / welcome . As with Mo3, I'm sure others will chime in with useful advice.

I gotta say, 26 years of M is a great celebration of a laudable journey but right now nothing should be on your radar aside from putting the brakes on the A hard and fast, and detaching. It's not helpful to do piecemeal 180's when you're not even started on truly detaching and working on yourself.

You may have a long, hard, painful journey ahead to get your M back where you'd like it to be. Right now, you have to get started. The W you are in love with is probably missing, and you don't really have a chance until and unless you deal with the OM issue.

As a first step, could I suggest: Decide what you want in your M, be clear what you control, and what you don't. Form boundaries around these, and consequences that you are comfortable with should they be broken. Communicate them clearly to W.

You won't be alone here.

[Cadet]

I just "celebrated" my 26 year anniversary. I had exactly the same dilema. What should I do? I ended up buying a card and a gift cert. to a nail salon. My wife thanked me for the card and told me my gift was that she had been to a L to start our D proceedings. I started listening to what was being said on these boards after that.

Good luck, my advice is keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut. Believe nothing of what is said and 50% of what you see.

Read and learn, Knowledge is power.

[Gypsy]

Hello wishbone...

What about the emotional affair? Are you're comfortable with another man being the emotional confidant with your wife? Figure out your boundaries. What is a deal breaker? Work with your counselor. On healthy behavior, healthy boundaries, and how to be in the best place to make good decisions.

The anniversary? I had a long marriage like yours and understand the desire to celebrate it. However, I wouldn't do anything. Let her initiate.

[dbs]

I'm in 33 yrs. I'd also agree with doing nothing. On our 30th after she'd done the WAW for the 2nd time, I got a gift and she saw it as trying to control her. It goes against what we feel and believe, but so does the M and our W going south.

Be kind, but hard to find kinda thing. Nothing ruined or fixed in a few days.

Listen to the advice given here. Most of it is right on!

[wishbone]

Thanks everyone for the input, it's feels good to get some feedback.

motherof3, as far as the reason my W gave for moving out well, she's had several. One was to see if this marriage was worth saving. Another was that she didn't want to hurt me anymore. And yet another was if she didn't do this(move out)she was going to go crazy. Now I can't honestly say I know the reason why she did this. You must understand that this was a lady who for most of our 25+ years together "seemed" to be happy. She almost never asked anything of me, usually never questioned my decisions,etc. Until about 3 or 4 years ago she started, in a very subtle way, to tell me how she was feeling about things. Until finally "it all came out at once" sort of thing. W has always been a very happy, positive person. Someone people are drawn to. Now, she is still pretty much this way, except with me. We dated for three months before we were married, she regrets that. Says we should have dated longer(I tend to agree). 10 months after our wedding, we had our first child. So we really didn't have time to get to know each other. We've had job/financial troubles off and on over the years, although the last 12+ years have been very stable.

Deep, you commented, "The W you are in love with is probably missing". This is exactly the way it feels to me. W is like a totally different person. It's like a MLC, change of life, type of thing. Previously she would have NEVER had the conversations she's had with the OM. She was the last person you would ever think would get involved in an EA. How do I deal with the OM?

Gypsy, you commented, "Are you're comfortable with another man being the emotional confidant with your wife?" No I am not. This is one thing that is a constant battle for me. Plus, my W and I work in the same building, but on separate floors. The OM works right across the hall from her. So, she's in contact with him all throughout the day. It is VERY difficult for me to deal with this, especially when it's seemingly "in my face". I don't think two people can have "friends" of the opposite sex without it leading to other things, especially when both of them(W and OM) are having issues in their marriages. What do you think about this?

As far as the A goes I'm going to "do nothing". This will be extremely hard for me I know because this is not what I naturally want to do. This is coming up in a couple of weeks so I need all the encouragement I can get.

[sandi2]

As long as she continues to work across the hall from OM, she will get her emotional needs met by him. It would be extremely hard for her to be strong enough to drop him. I'm not saying it couldn't happen, but things are likely to turn to a PA before she's through with him. Do you know what you would do if you found out she had slept with OM? Would that be a deal breaker for you?

[wishbone]

The way I feel about her EA at the moment is this: I have no "say so" in what she does or does not do because she has moved out. My feelings about her relationship with OM mean nothing to her or she have already ended the EA. So, as far as this accelerating to a PA, I'm not sure how I feel about that. One part of me thinks if it were going to go in that direction it would have already happened, another part of me thinks it could happen. This has been going on for over 2 and one half years. I would think if a PA was going to happen it would already happened.

All of this is like "the twilight zone" for me right now. I'm trying to GAL daily, but sometimes this consumes me. It does help to get my feelings out on this forum. Any insight/advice is greatly appreciated.

[wishbone]

Having a pretty tuff day. This EA is breaking my heart. I'm trying my best to do the 180, no contact/calls/email, etc, but I feel that OM is getting a foothold and that is not good. He is married but having marriage problems and that worries me. It seems there's nothing I can do about it....I feel helpless.

How far do I go in doing the 180/last resort? Do I completely cut myself off from her? We work for the same company and in the same building, but on different floors. Some days I see her...some days I don't. All this is totally unnatural for me. She is still pretty "cold" toward me. But she continues to keep the emails, conversations going with OM. Even though it looks somewhat innocent this EA worries me a great deal. She calls him a "very good friend" whom she "trusts". He's "funny". She seems to really enjoy her time with him.

Well....excuse my ramblings. Any input is appreciated.