Praying for Light at the end of the Tunnel

[kjensen]

Hi TF,
(Still need to try and get together for lunch!)
I realize H is projecting, I'm just tired of it, I guess. I shouldn't take it personally.

I can limit contact to emails, but in a way with H's reaction to my perceived silence, I wonder if that isn't the right path for us.

I certainly don't initiate contact. I actually was avoiding all communication when possible, but H gets upset by that and I realize there are things I probably should have communicated (D12 doing after school basketball for 3 weeks) that I didn't.

I spoke to D14 this afternoon because she wasn't home when she should have been and she actually was getting a ride home with H and going grocery shopping with him. H got on the phone and said he owed me an apology-I asked for what..he said that D14 hadn't gotten a text he sent(I thought it was a missing email to me, but whatever) and so he shouldn't assume people aren't talking to him, that sometimes his messages don't go through, so he wanted to say he was sorry.

I guess he didn't believe what I said(never got the email), so when D14 had the same experience(but with a text) he believed her...

Ah the MLC spin...wish the spin cycle would end! Doing OK..definitely more detached all the time. Just a sad chapter in my life. Hope the next chapter is better!

[kjensen]

Update;
Not much going on with H..I'm mostly filling the forms for my lawyer. Was pretty sad and internalized last week...mourning.

H did join me and D12 at our D14's musical dinner/fundraiser Saturday night. Things were Ok between us but he was pretty harsh on D12- getting on her when he couldn't hear her answer his questions..made me sad, but I left it between them. Gave me critical looks about her eye makeup and choice of music(rap) that she was listening to...

Today H called while I was out. I called him back several hours later and he didn't have much to say-wanted me to use some credit card points before closing the account..when I askd if there was anything he wanted/needed to use the points on he said he saw some things but thought I might find something. When I said I'd look but if I didn't find anything he should use the points he got mad at how I said what I said..He thought he was being nice he said, but he shouldn't have...I just don't get these twists and turns with his mood. I don't think there's anyway to come out OK in a discussion with him..there'll alway be something I do or say wrong.

I asked if he was angry(Because I was really confused by his response) he said no and that he had said what needed to be said and there wasn't anything more to talk about-he had to go..

Just so weird. So if I hadn't called(which I really had a mind to do) he would've gotten mad and asked if I wasn't talking to him..

Don't have alot of positive feelings towards him now. certainly not "in love" with him right now..just feel alot of sadness for him. Anger at the situaton I'm in-getting divorced whether I want to or not- mad that the promise he made when we married was so easily discarded...so I guess the anger has helped me detach ALOT more..

[Cadet]

Thats good to use the anger as a shield. Keep that path.

[kjensen]

Beware this is a bit of a rant...nowhere else to put it...

Well I was stupid. I hadn't checked H's email in quite some time, but today I did..and he has registered on match.com and chemistry.com.

Emotionally I am hurt and very upset. H had told me when he moved out a month ago, he didn't feel sexual and couldn't see getting into a relationship again for quite a while...I guess tha meant one month. I feel stupid for believing him I know you shouldn't believe a MLCer). I feel stupid for having any slim hope that he'll come back to me.

The rational part of me(not in the lead right now)thinks this is just the MLC way to fill he void, which may be good that he s feeling a void..

I shouldn't take it personally..there is no easy way for our spouses to fill that void without it causing the LBS some pain is there? I'm thinking of alcohol abuse, drugs, other people/affairs...it all hurts. I think detachment protects us, but boy, as detached as I was feeling, this sure hit me hard.

I know when H moved out, in his mind he already was divorced and free..but I'm not there yet, not after 22 years with this man.

I ran into H at the townhome a bit ago-he had dropped D14 off after they looked at a condo for rent that he checked out. He parked in the middle of the garage so I couldn't pull in. I guess I looked annoyed when I came in(I was) and he apologized. I'm sure I couldn't hide the hurt/anger very well(I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve)..He got snippy and left fairly quickly. He was upbeat in the two messages he left me earlier..

I wish I never had to see or deal with him again b/c really I'm so tired of the mood swings, the anger at me, the unpredictableness, the pain, the facade to everyone else that he is a good guy-which I used to so believe..but his actions don't bear that out anymore. He has friends who electronically pat him on the back for divorcing me and making these huge steps forward...what do they know of the real situation? I'm just so tired of it all.

[kjensen]

Saturday H changed his satus on FB from married to me(showed my name) to just "married". I got an email notice that he updated his status to show married to me--very confusing. so I asked him about it because I was puzzled.. He said he'd been playing around with it and changed it a few times..and asked (like he was worried) if I was upset...I said no-just confused. Well in the last day he's taken "married" out completely.

He's really moving on.

[peacetoday]

K
we all know how hard this journey is
Our H seem so oblivious to our hurt
and there is NO way out -except through it for us-and it is so painful
We cant reach them
they have to explore it all on their terms
You already know all of this
the only thing I can say is we make it through
and as Ive read here recently, we are the lucky ones
b/c as time passes our H amd xh create all kinds of pain for themselves
we just continue to grow
we try to support them as best as we can
hoping it will come to a postive outcome for us and our kids
sometimes it does and will
time--lots of time it seems to take
and lots of faith
hang in
tomorrow will be better
your H will not find the happiness he seeks outside of him and on match.com
but it is for him to realize
our time now is to heal grow and do whats right
the rest will be done for us
peace

[Walking]

Hey KJ

Well I was stupid. I hadn't checked H's email in quite some time, but today I did..and he has registered on match.com and chemistry.com.

what a doofus.

couldn't see getting into a relationship again for quite a while...

He probably did mean that when he said it, but it's lonely where he is, the nights are long, there's no one to keep him company ... and hey ... why not register at dating sites for a bit of sport?

I feel stupid for having any slim hope that he'll come back to me.

You know how much the world changes in the blink of any eye. KJ anything can happen. Nothing is impossible. Nothing.

I shouldn't take it personally..there is no easy way for our spouses to fill that void without it causing the LBS some pain is there?

Exactly. Now your doing it.

I know when H moved out, in his mind he already was divorced and free..but I'm not there yet, not after 22 years with this man.

and that's OK. You don't have to be. Frankly, I don't think your H knows where he is. He's bouncing around like a man being controlled by his inner 7 year old.

[Walking]

He's really moving on.

Ya think? I think he's spending a lot of time sitting at his computer thinking about ways to make himself feel better.

"I feel sad today, oh I know, if I change my FB status I might feel better."

"I feel lonely today, how about I register at a dating site and see if someone will talk to me."

He's really wallowing in confusion, pain and (probably) self pity ... creating the illusion to himself that he's moving on.

KJ one of the things I realised about myself when I went through my divorce is that when you are moving on, it's a very natural thing. You don't spend a lot of time fiddling FB status or looking at people's profiles on match.com - you are out there living. It's the times you are stuck and unhappy that those things fill your time and your mind.

He's a sad fella .... and you know the only thing for you to do is let him live his journey. It's not about you KJ. It's really, really, really not.

Thinking of you. V

[kjensen]

Virginia and Peace-Thanks,

He's a sad fella .... and you know the only thing for you to do is let him live his journey. It's not about you KJ. It's really, really, really not.

The rational part of me knows this, the emotional child within is really hurting and tired of it!

Dealing with financial statements and seeing my hard earned money potentially slip away so easily ( to fund H's dates with other women!?!) is angering me. The rollercoaster of H's emotions/actions towards me angers and tires me. The fact that this idiot man can't even look within to heal himself angers me..the facade he presents to others angers me... and I know he doesn't have a clue...

Ok, so I'm angry. It helps to detach. The hurt is an indication I still have aways to go. The compassion is a bit harder to find these days...its still there, but not as consistently.

And yes, Virginia..I know I'm a doofus!

[Walking]

You're not a doofus - he is.

Have you guys talked about a formal financial separation? (you've probably said and I missed it)

While he's in far-away land it will pay to protect yourself and the girls financially.

Anger has it's place and it can be your friend - use it while you've got it.

Hurt ... yeah, I know about hurt. Not sure what to do about that, but accept that in time it dims - a friend of mine whose been separated for 3 years reckons the hurt of a relationship crisis is like childbirth - at the time you can't think of anything more painful, but when it's over you have a whole new life.

Compassion? only when he deserves it - and he probably doesn't deserve it at the moment.

Keep going.

v