Flushing the toxins from my life

[CountingCrows]

I know. Try having it done to you by a female doctor, too. Blccch.

Puppy

Exactly what happened to me. Had a very nice female doctor. As if the humiliation of sitting for hours in the clinic waiting room with all sorts of scary characters wasn't bad enough!

[CountingCrows]

Been pretty strange over the past 7 days. I've probably done EVERYTHING wrong, and I'm feeling some consequences. I've allowed myself to be vulnerable after building a wall to protect myself. In doing so, what little detachment I had achieved has been set back a bit. I'm seriously doubting my quick decision to file for D. I truly believed that she was done with me (and I with her), when I'm finding out that this is far from the truth. Although I'm still dealing with the betrayal and distrust from her adulterous behavior, I realize that I still am not really ready to give up on our R completely.

I'm completely confused, as everything is viewed through my very skeptical eyes. I know that there could be a million wrong reasons for her recent changes in attitude and views. We both agree that she will need to continue to work on improving herself, just as I do. I'm not pursuing her or begging for her to come back, but I no longer have the strong conviction that going through with the D is the right thing either. I also have to admit to myself that she is a broken person. She has no self-esteem, no self-confidence or self-worth. I know that these things could take YEARS to improve, if ever. I know that I cannot "fix" her, and that I'm not responsible for saving her from the consequences of her bad decisions. I also don't want to put myself into a position where this type of thing could happen to me again, and I have to suffer the pain all over again.

W's most recent A is apparently nearing the end of it's course. She is now seeing him for what he really is, rather than through her previously fogged vision. Although she did/does have feelings for OM, I realize now that it wasn't quite the deep romantic relationship that I thought they had. She has cut off all physical contact with him, but not all communication. She still knows my boundary there, if we were to attempt to reconcile down the road, but for now, she's a big girl and can do what she wants, as can I.

W seems to be re-writing her re-written history. She's had much time alone to reflect back and appreciate everything we've had together. She now seems quite aware of all she's given up. Not just financially or monetarily, but emotionally. She's VERY concerned about agreeing to the D filing with no representation, as she is afraid that I'll change my mind and make her stick to every word on the papers, rather than work with her to make sure she's a integral part of S7's life. She knows that my lawyer is known to be a shark, and is worried that he will make sure that she gets shafted hard in the proceedings. She really WANTS to trust me when I tell her that I won't make her pay CS, will allow liberal visitation, etc...but she's not completely comfortable giving me that trust, with everything that she stands to lose.

We spent Sat night/Sunday together at my house. She was able to spend some quality time with S7, but mostly we talked. No sex, not even much cuddling. We stayed up until 6am Sunday talking and resumed around Noon when she woke up. It wasn't all R talk, as we haven't really said much to each other in over 2 months, so there were lots of topics for conversation. But when the chat did lean towards R talk, she put forth the most effort yet at trying to explain WHY things happened. What type of thoughts were going through her head as things devolved. As a man, this is something that I still feel I need to know...at least as much as I can. Not details of what happened (don't really need that), but just more idea of why. I understand that there may be no absolute WHY any of this happened, but I do have a better insight into what led to these destructive choices, and a much better feel for the deep regret/remorse she feels because of her actions. I also realize that of all the incidents, only 2 were what I would remotely consider affairs. The rest were more like "one night stands". Don't know why it would make a difference, but for some reason, it does to a certain extent in my mind. Cheating is still cheating, but "falling in love" with someone else still seems worse to me than having a brief, awkward physical encounter with someone. No justification for either, but definitely apples vs oranges.

Don't have any idea where all this rambling leads to. I know that some of you out there pulled things back together after the D filing provided some of the "shock and awe" necessary to bring reality full face. Curious how things worked out. Did you move forward with filing the order, did it go all the way to the final decree signing, were things extended along the way?

On top of all these things, I've been doing what I can for myself. I have been busting my tail at work as a temporary contractor for 6 months, and last week my efforts were finally recognized when I was offered a full-time employee position. I've been spending much time with S7. He headed out to Disney World with my family this morning, and I'll be joining him on Friday for the weekend. I've continued to cultivate and rekindle friendships that I have been working on. Basically trying to GAL and not let all this stuff with W distract me too much, which is a real challenge, when my heart still feels the way it does.

[Awoken]

Wow CC,

I wished I had checked in earlier on your thread. I've only got a minute right now, but I see no one else has posted yet so I thought I would leave you a few thoughts and let you know I'm still out here thinking about you.

My first reaction to reading your new post, was "oh no!".

Although she did/does have feelings for OM, I realize now that it wasn't quite the deep romantic relationship that I thought they had. She has cut off all physical contact with him, but not all communication.

This doesn't seem nearly adequate for you to reconcile with her.

Cheating is still cheating, but "falling in love" with someone else still seems worse to me than having a brief, awkward physical encounter with someone. No justification for either, but definitely apples vs oranges.

I seem to remember you saying that is wasn't the nature of the affairs that bothered you, as much as the amount of lying involved. I may be wrong about that, and I wish I had time to look back in your thread to see.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm worried that you are letting your compassion for W pull you back into a sitch where you may be taking care of her. You know that doesn't work.
Of course, I hardly know your sitch, just what I've read in your threads. But this is my gut reaction for whatever it's worth.

there it the legal ramification too, that if you resume a physical relationship with W, AFTER you know about the affairs, you give up some of your legal claim against them in your D. That is how it is in my state. I don't know about yours.

Congrats on the full time position offer. I hope u and S7 are doing well. You are in my thoughts in prayers CC.

[CountingCrows]

This doesn't seem nearly adequate for you to reconcile with her.

Nope...not nearly adequate.

I seem to remember you saying that is wasn't the nature of the affairs that bothered you, as much as the amount of lying involved. I may be wrong about that, and I wish I had time to look back in your thread to see.

Your memory is good. That was one of my biggest problems with everything, as much as the affairs themselves. Makes it very hard to believe anything she tells me right now.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm worried that you are letting your compassion for W pull you back into a sitch where you may be taking care of her. You know that doesn't work.
Of course, I hardly know your sitch, just what I've read in your threads. But this is my gut reaction for whatever it's worth.

Good gut feeling. I'm feeling it too. My compassion/sympathy button has been pressed, and I'm finding myself fighting the urge to take care of her again.

there it the legal ramification too, that if you resume a physical relationship with W, AFTER you know about the affairs, you give up some of your legal claim against them in your D. That is how it is in my state. I don't know about yours.

That's at least one area that doesn't work against me...legally at least. I'm in a "no fault" state, where the affairs don't even come into play at all. Still, I'm making myself very emotionally vulnerable by being more physical with her.

Thanks for the insights and opinions. I'm really trying to look at everything rationally and objectively, and sometimes failing. But I'm getting stronger, and will have the strength to do what I have to do, even if I've been pushed back a bit.

S7 is having a great week with my family at Disney World. Can't wait to join them tomorrow night!

[chatterbug]

CC I would not trust any words that come out of her mouth. Your working towards as safe enviroment for S7 I would continue to work towards that.

Especially with her mental health issues.

And congrats on the job

[Awoken]

(((CC)))

and I'm finding myself fighting the urge to take care of her again.

This is where you remind yourself that the only one that can take care of her problems is herself.

I imagine you are also pulled by the desire for S7 to have a regular, healthy mom in his life. My two children (D17,Salmost14) are older, and now I am looking back at some of the choices I've made in "protecting" my W, taking care of her, and how it was not in the best interest of my kids. My daughter didn't really start to notice my W's unusual behavior until she was 12, and the same with son. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that it was easy for me to focus on the calm, rational, happy periods with my W, and discount the harm of the opposite times.

Occasionally, when my W would be at her worst and I would be at my most tired, we would have a bad fight. During these times, I would question why I was married. But then, when W would get calm, and speak nice to me again, I would be so relieved, so hopeful, that I would reinvest myself (and my kids). Understand, I'm not talking about my W apologizing and seeking to work things out, but rather just becoming nice/loving towards me. If she had actually apologized and wanted to work on the ACTUAL problems, she would have been irresistible.

[CountingCrows]

I know that you're right, Awoken. She is the only one who can take care of her problems.

This evening, I gave W a draft of the Temporary Order that we will be going to court with Wednesday. She was not pleased at all. Surprisingly, she didn't seem to hone in on the custody of S7 as much as I was expecting, but rather on the "after 15 years together, what do I get?!" aspect. She complains that she doesn't have a bed, silverware or dishes. I really don't know what she wants from me. I think she's so spooked because she is going before a judge with no representation, and she feels that she is going to get rolled over by my lawyer. She's convinced that if she had a lawyer, she would be getting more out of the deal than what I'm offering...and that's probably true.

So much of our D is going to require trust on her part that I will do the right thing. I can understand her concern that I might change my mind, and she'll have no legal leg to stand on regarding some of our agreements/decisions. Just wish she could believe that I'm a bigger man than that...but I haven't always proved that this is true over the past 3 months as new things come to light.

I'm absolutely TORN UP over this entire situation. I do love my W and I still want to work things out with her, but I also need to protect myself and S7. I know that it could take years for us to reconcile, assuming it happens at all. I'm just not prepared to live in limbo that long. Still, I pray that she finds the inner peace, strength, self-confidence and self-esteem she needs to be truly happy. Hopefully, I'll be able to share in that happiness someday. If not, I'll know that I played an integral part in guiding her towards that happiness.

D@mn...the pain just doesn't get any easier to deal with.

[Awoken]

Surprisingly, she didn't seem to hone in on the custody of S7 as much as I was expecting, but rather on the "after 15 years together, what do I get?!" aspect.

CC, this sounds so familiar to me. I would be constantly surprised by this kind of stuff. And I think I still am. The thing is, when I look back at it all, I really SHOULDN'T have been surprised, since W has been relatively consistent. And I now understand this is part of her bi-polar thinking. And it causes her deep pain too, as well as the one's around her.

One day she says the children are the center of her life, and the next day she says she doesn't want to be a mother any more. It's understandable that we want to believe the better story. I wish I could remember the source, but I remember reading many times in interviews with bipolars that they even knowingly use this against their loved ones (with deep regret later!).

I can understand your empathy about her sitch, having to go to court without a lawyer. Still, her living up to the situation she has created is really the best thing for her. If she doesn't trust you to stand by your agreements, she will have to deal with that. It's not your concern, right?

You question how well you've done over the last three months? CC! Put this in better perspective. You've done very well, protecting the family. I'll reread your thread, but my impression is that you've done more than enough for her to trust you. Don't let your love of W cloud your understanding of yourself.

I'm absolutely TORN UP over this entire situation. I do love my W and I still want to work things out with her, but I also need to protect myself and S7.

yeah; this sucks. I'm with you here. I don't know if you have been following my sitch much, but the last month has had a lot of damage, and now W has filed for D. I've been thinking that if down the road she wanted to reconcile, that I would have a very difficult time deciding what to do, and would feel "TORN UP". It was strange to see the same words here.

One thing I know for sure, my old M is dead. It did not work, it was ultimately not good for my kids, for me, or for W. Anything new would have to be different.

Do you think this applies to you?

[CountingCrows]

Thanks Awoken. I need to catch up with your thread. I've fallen behind on quite a few of them lately.

I agree that it applies in my situation. I absolutely would have to have a totally different R than the one that our dead marriage was based on. It wasn't healthy for me or S7. However, I don't believe that W is capable or willing to make the changes necessary to start a new R on a healthy ground.

Not sure if I mentioned it earlier, but to add pressure to W's situation, she lost her job last Monday and has had very little luck finding something quickly to replace it. My opinion is that she hasn't put much effort into the search. That's always been a problem in the past. She's spent the last 6 years saying "I'm going to get a job. / I'm going to start school." I've always been supportive and encouraging, but her fear of failure or her laziness and procrastination always seemed to keep her from achieving this goal. In the process, it's put extreme financial pressure on me to solely support our family.

Now, it seems that she wants to be able to divorce, but still have me support her in this manner, even when she's not willing to do whatever it takes to get a job and do things for herself. Sorry, I completely understand pride and everything, but I'd flip burgers at McDonald's if I had no other choice and needed a job quickly to support myself. Pride goes out the window, when it becomes about survival.

I received a txt message from W around 1am this morning. She was letting me know that her mother had attempted suicide yesterday. W and her mom are estranged because of her mother's deep and troubling mental problems and unresolved issues from many years ago when W was a child. W has always feared becoming like her mother, and in many ways has followed in her steps. On top of everything else that has W going on in her mind, this may be the final straw for her. It would affect me HUGELY, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if W ended up in a institution or casket before it's all over.

Tomorrow's our first hearing, and I don't expect W to agree to sign the Temporary Order that I gave her last night. It's going to end up being ugly and costing me a bunch of money that I don't have to spend. On top of that, I dread that the civility and "friendship" that I hoped could remain between us is completely going out the window, which will make things worse not only for me, but for S7 as well.

Speaking of S7, I am getting referrals and recommendations for ICs, as I think it'd be in his best interest to receive some counseling at least short-term to help him process everything is going on. I'm going to follow suit as well, since I don't feel like I'm doing very good myself these days either.

[Awoken]

Thanks CC, I haven't been posting much the past couple days. But your recent post resonated with me, and I've been following mainly just you lately. I wonder if you should have stayed in newcomers? somehow, it feels more private over here.

Your W lost her job on monday? Was she fired, or just a layoff?
That's tough, and I know you have compassion and empathy for her. I bet you have always been supportive and encouraging, while you've been working so hard too. Any slight criticism leads to an unbelievably exaggerated response, right? Support and encouragement have been the safest route, and conflicts have passed without resolution?

I've worked 2-3 jobs for the past 18 years, supporting and encouraging my W while she has tried to "find herself" trying different careers and hobbies. I'm not bitter about this, as I was supporting my kids too. However, there is some irony that my encouragement and support have led my wife to the success in "finding herself", which ultimately led to her decision to leave the family. In other words, I've been hoping for years that my W would get stronger, happier, and healthier, and now that she feels stronger, she is choosing to destroy us. wow, right?

I am sorry about your W's mother. That sounds serious, and I understand your concern about her. That's really a huge thing for you to carry on your conscience, CC. The week for xmas, my W had a big breakdown, and I was a little worried about her safety. There was really nothing I could do; For that night, I broke my own NC rules. Still, you gotta know you are not responsible for her. That's got to be hard, when you love her and have so much invested, and she is the mother of S7.

Good luck at the hearing. You can choose yourself if you are going to be "civil and friendly". Don't react to your W. You know you are doing what is right.

About the IC, yes go. It's definitely helping me. I wish I had gone sooner. I've had had no idea how much I've been effected by my own sitch over the past 18 years, or how I've contributed to it. I'm sure I've only scratched the surface. It's a hard thing to face.

by the way, I hope I'm not too heavy handed here. It's a rough week, and I'm not really self-editing at all. I'm pretty tired, and I wish you the best CC.