Hi guys, I don't know what it is but I feel like I'm absolutely going to crumble again. After a few weeks of doing OK, this weekend just undid me again in sleepness nights of pain and sadness. Moments of trying to push myself to think positively and do/be OK, but then it all comes reeling down again - the disbelief, the anger, the loss..worse than any death I think.
Maybe it's working so hard again and traveling a lot. I feel like I've worked so hard knowing that H would then be able to balance things out, out of school, working again. I am 33 and all I want to do is to settle down and cut back on work and start a family.
I want to think about a friendship w H before I leave the east coast...but is that even possible and would that make it harder for me? Sometimes I fantasize about us spending a nice day together, simple, no R talk...just a walk or a dinner or something, as friends. But truthfully there is part of me that wants to do that so he could see me as 'me' again and have fun and perhaps reconsider (unlikely, I know). Has anyone tried just being friends w H after so much separation/baggage/hurt?
And then I felt very angry last week as I was working...like I should have a right to ask for my fair share of financial contributions back...but know that he'd lash out if so. I don't want to not act out of fear. There is part of me that yes wants to do certain things still for the possibility/betterment of our relationship, but I know this is not reality. Ask for what's rightfully mine ($ wise back) will probably make him never want to consider anything w me again..
I just read Love must be Tough and I get it...but I feel that standing up to H at this point would do nothing to save our M, i think he's just totally done. But god - don't we wish it could be different!
I am so sad b/c I struggled w a lot of stuff during out M (losing my father, moving, major life changes and health issues, some anxiety, struggling w work)..and I often thought they were b/c of M but I now realize they were my own issues perhaps that I was projecting on to my H. I've of course since told him that but he doesn't care at this point.
Still I think...god, i was not that bad of a wife! I was faithful to you and loved you and even quit my job at one point to be home more and present in our M... but he didn't want to 'deal' anymore w these issues and left. Ugh. I'm so sad...sometimes I think I caused it all. I cannot imagine ever being happy w anyone else. After a few months of confidence I feel I'm not doing as well again - backsliding - not sleeping as well and not feeling healthy. I want to get myself back again. Perhaps I need to be more grounded and not on the road as much. My move to CA will be good, but at the same time i feel like I am mourning leaving the east coast b/c I am leaving H, and there is still so much of me that just loves him dearly.
I was thinking to myself last night...gosh, I was struggling w anxiety and some other issues..and I'm so sorry I couldn't be 'better' in our M b/c of things I was still working through on my own, but gosh, don't I for the sake of our M and vows deserve another chance?
I know many of you out there are feeling the way I feel right now. I've worked on detaching.. yes it helps, but there are still such moments of weakness when ALL YOU WANT is to be held in your H's arms and feel safe, like you are protected and everything is OK. I am just feeling very alone right now...lower than I have in months for some reason. I can't bring myself to sign anything to end this marriage, but there is no M right now, I know. So sad.
