Thanks for your wonderful advice/post. I had many of the same questions as Rachel. So, Rachel thank you for asking T2!
I just had a phone consultation with Vernetta, she gave much of the same advice as T2. If you want to take a look, I summarized it on my thread A few pieces missing, hoping to find them here
T2...I too needed that post of yours.....while I am not at that place ..yet!!..I have to keep remembering when we do talk..not to turn it all on him...you have shown us alot of strength and hard work here.....very hard work..
I was SOOOO glad to hear your H's response to you about clearing the cell phone #'s. Before reading that, I as all pumped up about how he NEEDS to be an open book right now
(CJ BOUGHT our caller ID system right after the final bomb as a gesture of good faith...to this day all the #'s of the day are sitting there when I get home...gosh I haven't checked them in MONTHS!).
But apparently your H beat me to the punch!!!
Now that's some GOOD communication...you didn't make him feel all defensive and HE didn't make YOU feel like you were controlling or suspicious. WEll done!
T2, Thank you so much for your honesty and candidness. It made me realize I can't control how he tells the OW.I don't want to be Motherly to him. I want him to want me and me alone. He did care alot about the OW. They have been friends for yrs. before the A. I know she has been after him a long time. He finally caved. The A was long term. He has told me though he was never "in love" with her. She would ask him if he still loved me and he would say "yes." He says he can talk to her though. Her says he wants that with me. I told him he would have to stop talking to her and put his efforts into OUR relationship. He feels very guilty for what he's done. He told me before he would tell her NO more contact. He did keep that promise for awhile. Then things went bad after he moved back home and he wanted out again. We weren't ready.
I had SO much anger and mistrust. I was having constant panic attacts thinking he was seeing her. It was an awful time in my life. A total nightmare. I don't know how I got through the days at work. I was a zombie-never talking to anyone. I'm SO much better now. I have a life. I go to nursing school AND work full time. I know he's afraid to come home and have it fail again. I'm not sure what it will take to make him take that risk. I don't pressure him. I do need to have the trust talk with him. I HAVE to know I can trust him first and foremost. He has to make gestures to earn my trust and show me he will keep his word this time. I do need to talk to him about the OW, and if he's told her. He told me he would tell me when he did. If he's told her I'll be upset he didn't tell me. He has to know I NEED to know that! IF he's not talked to her, I kinda find it hard to believe she hasn't called him in over a week. He asked me to come over tonight. He went home sick from our Daughters house. He is having a bunch of tests and a complete physical tuesday. He has horrible headaches-he had major sinus surgery for it last yr and their back. I'm afraid its something serious. He usually has SO much energy, and he's pretty listless now. I left a note for our Son that I might stay the night with his Dad. He's the one that said if his Dad came home he'd leave.(17) He loves him very much, but does NOT want to go through all that drama again. Can't blame him there. That's another thing that keeps my H away. He is very sensitive to our kids needs. Well, I'm outta here. I hope I say and do the right things tonight, and I hope H. is as reassuring as yours T2! Night all, Rachael
Quote: That "SOMETIMES" answer we get is them wanting so badly for their life with us to get back to 'normal' but their guilt reminds them that they have a lot of "dues" to pay and they are unsure they can do it. NO ONE wants to be beaten up every day or every other day for their past sins and THEY know that TRUST is something that comes with a HUGE price attached to it, now that they've destroyed it.
The way to get them home is to stop making his coming home the BIG deal. The pressure of that decision is what keeps them from making it. The fear of failing at reconciliation keeps them from making it. BUT they will, once they see that we are at a point that our entire lives together won't revolve around the horrible thing they've done. It's really a BIG chance they take in coming home...they are MORE afraid of failing than WE are. T2
This scares me, what if they can't handle the guilt and pain of coming back and find it easier to just move on? Or will the pain and guilt then follow them into new relationships? I think my H is very scared of having to face all that he's done and everyone that he's hurt in the process. If I relax and make him feel good about his decision in time he'll relax and not be waiting for all hell to break loose again?
I think you're on the right track there, Cathy. I know that for a long time CJ was sure that "coming back" to our M would mean him being the whipping boy, him suffering daily attacks/queries/suspicions.
I think we actually had a conversation fairly early on in which I assured him that while I DID have some questions and feelings to work through...it was NOT my intention to make him suffer, nor to make this the central theme of our M.
No grand changes right away...but he DID start opening up and softening his stance toward me and our M.
Running IS obviously the 'quick' answer for them. They demonstrated that when they ran from our marriages and the 'pain' they were in emotionally INSTEAD of running to us. So yes, it's hard for them not to run. I wonder if part of that isn't there natural 'fight or flight' instinct kicking in. WE are the tiger they can't wrestle to the ground so it's easier to high tail it up a tree to safety. Eventually though as WE growl less and purr more, they start climbing down the tree and before you know it, they're trying to pet our heads and be our friend again. But they are also well aware that we may bite their hand again when they least expect it...so they stay pretty tentative for quite some time.
We're very much like that tiger. We circle them, watching, waiting, ready to pounce at any sign of a false move. Both of us (our Hs and us) have to learn to relax a bit. It's the ONLY way we'll ever be able to cohabitate peacefully again.
Unfortunately there are WAH & WAWs that will never find the strength within themselves to acknowledge their wrong doing and feel the determination to seek amends of those they've hurt or attempt to reconcile their M or lives. But I think those WAH & WAWs who spend their lives running and never looking back, are more sociopathic then they are victims of MLC or run of the mill depression.
I think all of our spouses who have 'fallen from grace' have lived their entire lives with a 'kink in their armor' and one day it shows itself and the sight isn't very pretty for anyone that bears witness to it.
I think time tells us whether the battle we're fighting to regain what we've lost is a battle worth fighting or a lost cause. And WE have to be ready to handle that decision no matter which way it goes.
I look at where I am now and still ask myself just how emotionally healthy I am. I wonder if my 'fight' was the 'good fight' or just my battle weary resignation that THIS is all I deserve. I think we will all wonder that for years to come. And even though my H is home and we are coexisting well, I still intend to 'search' for my own answers to make sure that my decision is what's best FOR ME and if I find in time that it was not, then I will be more honorable than my H was capable of being, and I will tell him that I am moving on....NOT to someone else, but for myself. All our choices are not theirs to make, some are in us yet. T2
I haven't posted to you in a very long time but I keep up with your thread. You are doing so well and I am thrilled for you. All your hard work is paying off, it seems. Still lots more hard work to go, though. LOL
Love your analogy of the tiger...(ROAR). I guess we are like that to a point. No wonder the poor WAs ran!!! LOL I guess I need to work on my "purr" yet.
I think we rush to get our H's home. When they come home before they are really ready; they end up leaving again. Making it harder for them to reconnect with us.
I would rather we take our time in reconnecting, making sure H is absolutely sure he is committed to working on saving the M.
There are still no gaurantees that it will still work. The point I guess I'm trying to make is; don't rush it, take one day at a time. Reconnect first as friends. Work slowly at rebuilding. Afterall rushing to build a house only leaves room for mistakes. Those mistakes could make the house cave in! Now who would want that to happen!
One thing I have learned here is, from those that have made some mistakes. So I'll avoid going down the interstate, I'm taking the backroads. It might be slower getting there, but at least I have a better chance of getting there in one piece!
I feel there are a few here that I know make mistakes, but they are like my children; they have to learn their mistakes on their own. The more advice I give them the more they run down the wrong path. Makes me sad, because I can't help them.
The wise ones are the ones who listen to those that have been "there". Use their advice to fit their stitch! Believe me, I have a very special person here on this BB who has helped and guided me! With her support I'm here where I belong; in piecing! T2, you have this honor!
You are a very smart lady! And don't you forget it! Sometimes you make me LMAO. Sometimes, you don't believe and I have to walk beside you, support you. I'm honored that I have helped you also!
There are others here that have supported me and I have let them know how much I appreciated their help! But this lady here on this thread has saved me from depression many times. Yes, T2, I hear you! I could have made it here, but I needed someone to tell me the postives, things I couldn't see, duh!
So I'm sending you this special post and to all here who read it!
{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
Deb aka imalright12960
So enough of this goop. I have 4 bottles of pink Champaign, and when H and I become one of those success stories; I will be toasting to you! And someday there are going to be a group of us that all must get together with our H and meet! And I believe someday it WILL happen. Kitti you know you are one of them, you sweetie!
