New Year... New Life!

[sandycay]

Well things are certainly not going well for STBXH... seems he is having major troubles at one of his jobs. I feel bad for him and I really hope everything works out for him.

I feel like he is so alone and it's very sad.

Productive meeting with my wonderful L today. Got a once over of financials, now they will be drafted and away we go. I am looking towards the end of Feb.

STBXH wants me to stall "seperation".

Weird, I thought we were seperated already and we were getting DIVORCED! I must be slower than I thought.

[sandycay]

Things are moving along... seems STBXH did indeed purchase a boat to live aboard. He thought the kids and I knew he did that. He doesnt' tell me anything...he just screams at me over money.

I finally called him out on his more than rude behavior. I told him I haven't yelled, cursed, and been rude to him in the past two years since the bomb dropped.... I couldnt' believe that he had stooped to treating me this way. I asked him to please explain to me what I had done to deserve his recent rash of scream fest. I also ask him if he realized that not once since he has been gone has he ask me if I am doing ok, how is school, how are the kids, how is your family... I told you have ask nothing about anything to do with me. But yet, I continually ask you how you are... and told him last week when he was in a lowest of low moments that if he needed anything I was here for him... in the midst of him screaming at me for weeks.... I continually stay calm and nice. His answer "I'm sorry".

Then I said ... you say that at the beginning of every conversation for the last conversation then you end up screaming anyways.

Lost Cause... he's in major trouble with his job.

It's not his fault of course... everyone is out to get him, even me!

So incredibly sad. He said he just wants to move on and be happy like me. He equated my happiness to the amount of money he is giving me. He doesn't understand that I will be happy no matter what income I have.

Things are still going great with FFG.... been a steady course for quite sometime now. He's just that into me and I am pretty into him so all is well there. Fun, respectful, no stress, no pressure, all is well. I don't want this to be a rebound relationship because I think he is worthy of more. We are very open about these things. I am in IC and talk with her about these things. She thinks I have my head screwed on fairly straight and because I am aware of these things that it will not get carried away before it's time.

It's a pain not being able to introduce my kids yet. I will wait till everything is final in the eyes of the law and society before I do that. That's another month away so that will give me plenty of time to see if that's what I want to do. I did meet his kids over the weekend. Nice children.... but it would be a do over for me as the little ones are young. But I do love kids, but it does require some thought.

That's all the news I have.

[smith18]

I am in agreement with your IC - you are on an even keel (opps, bad play on nautical terms). So why do you need to see the IC anymore?

The contrast between FFG and Grumpy Eeyore Scrooge must be quite stark right now. Just keep having fun with him (FFG) and dont let anything catch on fire too soon.

[sandycay]

We are evaluating that. Kerry, I just want to be sure that I am not missing something. You know, I feel 99.9 percent of the time I am great. Then I see all the people on the board struggling and people I know personally that have gone thru this struggle with it. I just want to make sure I am not shoving the feelings under some rug somewhere.

I guess I am nervous that I am to well, to happy. It's been a long time and I've been waiting for the proverbial bomb to drop and I guess I just am "scared" that it hasn't yet.

I also want to make sure FFG isn't a "distraction" a "rebound". He has been so wonderful but I wonder if he never called again ... how would I feel? Can I handle it? I want to make sure I am healthy enough. I don't know if this makes any sense.

I want to deal with all the shat... cause you can cover shat up for awhile but it always starts to stink and I wanna make sure my shats flushed away...forever.

I guess it helps me that a professional that has followed along since the beginning...tells me I'm not crazy, I'm not using FFG, I'm not rebounding, I'm not moving to fast, I'm not going to fall apart later..unexpectedly.

[sandycay]

Well... things seem to get incredibly worse for STBXH... he is in major trouble and it is legal and I can't even talk about it until the D is final. I pray my kdis will never find these things out. Of course he is completly innocent and everyone is out to get him. God, I just wish he could find some of himself somewhere to save himself.

It's very sad to watch a once wonderful, upstanding person sink into such despair, sadness, and misery. He's truly lost everything.... maybe even a 20 year career as a military officer. Please pray that this wont' be the case. It may be the final straw for him. I can't help him and that leaves me feeling sad for him.

FFG is still wonderful...upon venting to him about some new developments I sent him an email apologizing for dumping it one him and he sent me an email and part of what he said was this:

Don't worry about sharing what you're going through. I happily take you and the kids and whatever you come with. I will share any part of my life with you too-good or bad.

He's a good apple so far.

[goldeylox]

sandy, sounds like a good apple for sure.
As I prepare to file (and get on the D train), I find myself avoiding 'living in the moment'.
I'm thinking about tomorrow, the weekend, and all the things I need to 'get done' on my list.
Do you need to decide if it's a LTR, or can you just bask in the joy of being happy, today?
Good call on the IC, sometimes you just have to do a little preventative maintenance.
Me, I'm going to try to quit smoking here pretty soon. Because it's the right thing to do, and the right time to do it.
Party's in Portland Saturday nite!

[sandycay]

Goldey,

What is a LTR?

[goldeylox]

LTR, long term relationship. I've been trying to keep up, but may have confused your sitch with another.
Bangor, huh? My folks are in Poulsbo. Small world.
Did you know Centralia is exactly halfway?

[sandycay]

Gotcha goldey

hhmmm no I don't need to decide if it's a LTR. He definetly speaks of things in the future... some in the near future and some in future like in a year or so. I have refrained from that. I don't know if I believe in the reality of LTR's in a marriage sense.

I am not saying that I won't enter into a marriage and I know I would be in it, but I don't know that I would ever 100% trust the other person to be in it. I had good H for years and then boom! So, to know that someone can be deceptive and live a lie is scary.

This is why I still am in counseling but I am not sure she can restore that part of me. It's not like I walk around bitter or hurt or angry. I just have to get over the FEAR of being devasted again. But I guess with any LTR you have to take that chance. I guess what really sets me back as I didn't expect to see in someone the potential that I see in FFG.

I was talking to one of my friends tonight about all this and she said "Sandy, you've been an empty vessel for two years. You met someone who is filling that vessel. Now, you have to make sure your not just liking the fact that he is doing and saying all the right things but that YOU like HIM for who HE is not for what HE is doing for YOU. " So food for thought, and I find it interesting that it took me so long to figure out that I was feeling the opposite with STBXH.... I felt in love with the idea of family, idea of H, idea of nuclear family. I don't know when I fell out of love with STBXH in the past year. I know I must have at some point after some lie he told and the kicker is I would have stuck it out and because he didn't feel it ... he bolted.

That all doesn't matter any more.

STBXH pulled a great one tonight. He has gone back on most of the financial things we agreed upon in our previous attorney meeting. He doenst' feel I should have any of his pensions but he will split the other funds with me 50/50 .... doesn't think it's right that 25 years from now he will have to be writing me a check every month. He screamed and yelled at me more and for the first time in a long time it made me cry.

I think I am beginning to Hate him...That makes me sad.

[goldeylox]

Would you like to borrow my Superboots? I'm filing for D tomorrow, and will be done using them in a couple of weeks (hopefully). On second thought...since I can only wear the left one, would you like to borrow one slightly used, Right-side Superboot?

FEAR. Bites 'ya every time, honey. If you can get past the fear, you are practically unstoppable. Who said recently, "A Hero(ine) isn't braver than anyone else, she's just braver for 5 more minutes". Sorry if I've misquoted the origial poster.

I think having a special someone around sounds pretty nice. Being alone is liberating, but not all it's cracked up to be. I've been spending a lot of time yelling at God this week. Not working very well, so maybe today I'll try some gratitude and thanksgiving for what I do have.