My interpretation for what its worth is that the visitation begins at 3pm. He is supposed to let you know if he is coming before that time and if he doesn't then it is over. The timing just states how long or short the visits are to be - not to be interpreted that he can come or go during those hours in full.
But ask lawyer to pin that down. Even can insist that he let you know at a certain time he is coming.
but the rest... you are improving and doesn't it feel great!
My interpretation for what its worth is that the visitation begins at 3pm. He is supposed to let you know if he is coming before that time and if he doesn't then it is over. The timing just states how long or short the visits are to be - not to be interpreted that he can come or go during those hours in full.
But ask lawyer to pin that down. Even can insist that he let you know at a certain time he is coming.
but the rest... you are improving and doesn't it feel great!
I cannot imagine the Court/judge expects you to wait with or without notice, for 3 hours, however many days a week, for him to possibly show up. No way. Call your L...what are you waiting for?
It's crazy and you're so used to this that you can't see it. No one here thinks this is normal or okay. Sorry but that's my 2 x 4 for the day. Fix this. Treat it like a date. IF he can't call you ahead of time b/c his brain surgeries/NASA trips to the moon (Oh wait, his work isn't doing this. It's just his OTHER kids and so, he'll NEVER change this and you will ALWAYS tolerate it? That's NUTS!)....so as I was saying, if he cannot call you ahead of time to cancel, I'd wait 15 min and then "times' up" and leave. WITH her, or with a sitter but you cannot spend your life waiting for him.
Otherwise you're making progress. It's time...
That's my .02
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
One more thing to add to 25's usual excellent advice...
What happens when baby is older...say 4-5 years old... her waiting around not knowing whether her father is going to make time for her that day or not. It all seems so cruel.
not to quibble Gabby, but why not enforce her own rule now, as it seems so reasonable? If HE doesn't like it, let HIM take her to court and she can show the journal and documentation of his lovely timing, or lack thereof...and his excuses.
Let her show and tell the judge "your honor, X H says since he will NEVER know what his schedule is like until-- DURING the time, um, (btw, I Guess that eliminates ANY chance of HIM getting custody b/c he cannot 1-manage to see her often and 1- cannot even manage to KNOW if he'll see her, until right before the moment it happens and 3- cannot manage to spend much of the time with her anyhow, not even 3 hours a week with her...if you EVER Worry about losing custody to him, you are nuts. I'd laugh out loud at ANYONE who repeats it and reassure your children "IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN"...EVER....)
Back to earth...so yeah, sure, tell the judge FOR YOUR X h..."your honor, X h was wondering if it's okay and fair and reasonable for ME, a mother OF OTHER CHILDREN AS WELL, to wait and wait until IF & when he calls before during or after his ONE limited visit -- or a non-visit/no show---for me and the baby to know if he is coming and for how long IF he knows b/c sometimes he shows up, and then leaves after 10 min, even though we've waited and NOT earned money or done something fun or met other people or GAL....and He just wants to check that it's okay with you, and that it's mature and normal and adult and fair and fatherly right???"
It's a lousy thing to do S2, and not showing up and or, not calling ahead, is just plain rude and thoughtless to an extreme.How on earth will your tiny daughter feel when this matters to her and she knows it? Nip this crap in the bud now, for HER.
Otherwise This would mean, S2, that in theory, he can have a visit scheduled for 3 pm-6, and not call or show up until say 4:30, and then, again without notice, say "I have to go NOW" and leave at say 4:40"...correct? And you have no problem allowing this to continue? No court is going to say you have to do this. Are his kids in the hospital with terminal illnesses? I don;t get it....SO in theory he can also, NOT call and, then, suddenly show up at 5:50 and GOD forbid you say a word...and he can stay until 6-- and then leave just after she says the word "daddy" or something, and then he can just go and you are supposed to sit and wait in the house or pre-arranged place waiting- NOT entitled to a call or advance notice from him b/c his arms are broken? His ears don't work? you live in a bubble that gets no phone service or or or he just doesn't give a crap?...and you think this is normal or okay? IT IS NOT EITHER... Boy I sure would not care if he said I was being cold or B%$#@ on the texting....he is in NO position to even know what is rude or kind b/c he's clueless and thoughtless to some crazy level I haven't seen in a long time.
I have heard nothing about this man that makes me think you should make any effort at reconciliation. OMG that's the first time I've been able to say that here in almost 4 years...wow...sorry...
Um, the judge will say "NO" or words to that effect...But you don't have to wait for the judge. IF your X h goes to court for some change in custody, with THESE Facts...he'll lose the little he has.
I could be wrong but I say Start the new life now. Set a reasonable boundary. stop putting your life on hold. Tell your x h you can't wait like this anymore. If he can't give you notice, you'll have to carry on. How on earth are you supposed to ever get a job or go to a class? OR MOVE ON??? Don't you see- you both are using this as an excuse to keep doing the crazy dance? That's my take on it. I'm not sure what you are getting out of this, but he sure is a jerk who gets away with a lot. Does he look like Brad Pitt or what?
Why do you put up with this? You sound smart and healthy but this has gone on so long....it's not healthy and you are in charge of this life of yours so take charge of it. Take responsibility for your happiness b/c guess what? No one else will. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It feels like Christmas when I see so many great responses! They are so appreciated and I am so thankful.
I agree. I talked with attorney yesterday briefly. I told him what the situation is. Of course to get any of the orders changed it will cost me $$ that I don't really have right now. So he said try things this way first....He said to have a face to face discussion with exh about time schedules and that it would be better for BOTH of us to have him make contact at least the morning of the visit to let me know when he will be coming. If he agrees, have him (and me) sign something that I draw up stating these new changes. If he disagrees, which he probably will, then he said to document that in my journal and we can proceed legally when we can. Exh's argument that he cannot pinpoint a time will be because of work and other kids schedules...and then he will say 'if he could take her then she would be able to do things with him. This supervised visit crap is hard for him blah blah blah." With the work situation he gets off anywhere from 2-5ish depending on if any calls come in. My attorney did say not to push him on how little he stays. He wants to keep any ammunition we may need in our pocket for the future and showing a pattern. He also advised me to be as cooperative as I can with baby (during his time). NEVER cancel unless its an emergency. His big phrase is 'do you want to win the battle or win the war?". He does agree that contact needs to be made a bit more in advance beings that this is 12 hours out of my week though.
I also called Child Support Services and explained that I live out of town and really need this garnishment packet. They said they normally do a mini interview first, but she will mail me the paperwork now and do my big interview later and save me one trip. THIS will blow exh out of the water. He will be so mad. He gets paid weekly so bookkeeper/exSIL/enabler will have to send CSS a check weekly as well.
Bracing for another wet and rainy day here.
Thanks to you all. I feel so much better getting a backbone!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
if you EVER Worry about losing custody to him, you are nuts.
yes, you would think and hope this, but you really NEVER know. I know of people who went to jail, and still have their kids...and they were doing meth. you hear crazy stories of someone accused of beating their child, and they don't take the children away and the next thing you know the child is dead. I wouldn't take this lightly, and I think for SO2 to go to the atty to try to take care of this legally is still an okay decision. She's already been doing this for how many months, so if she has the patience, then there is nothing wrong with that IMHO.
But I definitely agree, that 4 times a week doing this, that is crazy and ridiculous. I had no idea it was that many times, geez.
I still say IMHO, while your trying to do something legally, I would tell H that if he does not contact you in the first 30 minutes, that is his admission that he has not made plans to come over and that you will not be waiting.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
just read what your atty said. that sucks that you'd have to spend lots of money on that. they should have worded that better from the beginning, that's not your fault.
let us know how the convo goes.
I would definitely have the convo before garnishing takes place, and IMHO I would still write him a letter about your steps to keep baby first and make everything easier on him and you in regards to the garnishment. of course it's easier to pretend like nothing is happening, but there will be a huge blow when he gets those papers, and I think it shows courage and respect to tell him beforehand. again, that's just MHO
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
