I wanted to post this again to get some help and comments about my situation. Thanks for any advice....I sure need it. Below is "my story".
My wife and I have been married for over 25 years. We have three children, one married two at home. My wife left our home about six months ago. She lives close by with our two daughters.
My wife and I have been drifting apart for several years. She was a stay at home Mom for many of our first years together, but for the past few years has been working out of the home. I guess looking back on all of this my biggest failure was being there yet, not being there. I failed to participate with my family on many levels and with many things, if that makes any sense. I worked, I came home, I did MY thing..then off to work the next day. Because of this my wife literally had to raise our children by herself. This has made me very sad to realize this...but with God's help I'm dealing with it. I know I can't go back..only forward. My wife and I actually met in church. Years after we married I stopped attending, but she continued to be involved with the church. Throughout our marriage my wife almost never expressed her feelings to me. She would never tell me she had a problem with this or that, just went along with almost anything I did. A few years ago she did start to express herself saying we couldn't go on in our present state(drifting apart). She suggested a separation, I didn't agree. We continued to "drift" apart. The church she attended continued to pray for me and for us. About two years ago I was led to start attending church with my wife again. I experienced a "rebirth" in the spiritual way. Things "seemed" to be much better, but little did I know...they weren't.
After almost by accident I learned of, what I believe to be, an emotional affair between my wife and someone who works in her building. This devastated me, to say the least. I learned of this about six months after I began attending our church again. When I asked her about this "friendship", she told me that's exactly what he was, a good friend. They began having "tea" each morning(and still do), sending emails, etc. But, please don't misunderstand me here. I do NOT believe this is the problem with our marriage, just a product of our drifting apart over the years. When I asked her that she discontinue these morning tea parties, she reluctantly agreed. But, several weeks later she continued again.
During this whole process, my wife has told me, "I love you but, I'm not in love with you". She says that she's NEVER had any good memories of our time together, just negative experiences, always just "surviving". She says that when we first married she did love me deeply. But that at some point it just became survival. She tells me that she doesn't think she could love anyone the way she loved me again. She feels numb, with almost no feelings sometimes. She has told me that she would like to be "far away" where no one knows her. When I began attending our church again and really seeking God in my life, she told me that just because I was trying to "get things right" doesn't mean everything is OK now. She would say that all the years of our marriage it's always been about you. I don't think you are strong enough to take the "other side of me", she would say. I have asked for her forgiveness as well as the forgiveness of my children. I thought this would be a step in the right direction. I started going to counseling. This did help me. She would not agree to go.
At the beginning of all this I was constantly trying to get my wife to talk to me. I was always telling her "I love you", calling her, etc. This seemed to agitate her. She would tell me I needed to be with this type of person or that type of person. When I would say I don't want to be with anyone else, she would become angry. Back last summer we took a family vacation, something we hadn't done for many years. I thought this might "jump start" things. We did seem to have a good time. But, after we returned from our trip she tells me she's decided to move out. At this point in all this, I wasn't extremely surprised. For the last two years, around me, she has been very PO'd. Around others she seems to be very happy. She says all her memories of me and our marriage are very negative. It has seemed the harder I tried the worse it has become. Then about a month or so ago I found this forum and the book Divorce Remedy.
I decided to try the "last resort" technique, all the while with some degree of skepticism. I have seen some change since beginning this, to my surprise. She seems to be more "talkative" with me. Sometimes she calls me, instead of the other way around. I have always tried to help my wife financially and every other way since she left. But, now I do not offer. If she asks me I try to do whatever I can. I have stopped the "I love you's". I used to give her a hug when leaving her place, which I don't do now. This has all been VERY difficult for me! I sometimes feel by doing this that I'm neglecting her like I've done before in our marriage. But I'm trying to stay the course.
Here is my question(s). Next month is our 26th wedding anniversary. What do I do, or NOT do? Do I send a card, buy flowers, ask her out for dinner? Or do nothing.Doing nothing would be VERY, VERY difficult for me. I do love my wife very much. I have always sent flowers/cards/went out to dinner, even in our worst years. I'm not sure how she would react if I didn't do anything. But, I need advice in the worst way. Also, how do I deal with her relationship with "her friend"? This is very hard for me to ignore. Maybe I'm not in a position to do anything about it, but it hurts me deeply that she is having an EA with this person. I can't stop thinking about it. I just fear it will eventually turn into a physical affair and I'm not sure how I would handle that. She really enjoys her time and interaction with "her friend".
