Quote: When you and your H started getting serious about getting back together, was he hesitant about saying he wanted to come home?
The answer to that is ABSOLUTELY. When the subject was first broached (by me of course) when he appeared to REALLY be coming out of the tunnel in late summer, he said quite matter of factly that he didn't know if he'd ever be able to do that considering all he'd done, all we'd been through AND the miserable attempt we made to cohabitate the first time (between Nov and April). So he really had cold feet about trying it again. SO DID I though really. Then, even THIS time, I know in his heart of hearts when he did decide to come home there was a part of him that actually expected this to be just as horrific as the last attempt. It's like the whipped dog syndrome, the last time he came home I beat him up (verbally with guilt trips) on an almost daily basis I was still so far from being emotionally stable myself back then.
That "SOMETIMES" answer we get is them wanting so badly for their life with us to get back to 'normal' but their guilt reminds them that they have a lot of "dues" to pay and they are unsure they can do it. NO ONE wants to be beaten up every day or every other day for their past sins and THEY know that TRUST is something that comes with a HUGE price attached to it, now that they've destroyed it.
You said:
Quote: I don't like that he's seemingly procratinating about telling her. I plan on sharing with him Matilda's story about her H's EA and how they handled that
DON'T DO THAT!!! Our Hs do NOT like being told how to do their 'recovery' BY US. We can't make them read articles, books or BBs...they resent the hell out of that because they interpret that as OUR STILL TRYING TO CONTROL THEM. They "hear" us telling them that we think they're to stupid and to inept at getting themselves out of the mess they've gotten themselves and US into...and now we're stepping in as their 'teacher' or 'mother' to tell them how to get their lives together...They resist that stuff...believe me I know...that's exactly what made my H run to A # 2 during our first recon attempt...I was scaring the crap out of him and in his insanity the answer to that was (like a child) "I'll show her, I'll screw someone else, she can't tell me I'm BAD, that I don't know what I'm doing...I'll do whatever I want!" NOT GOOD.
You said:
Quote: He wants me to trust him-he has to earn it, and take steps to show me he's not hiding anything.
ABSOLUTELY. And YOU have every right to tell him exactly that. If you remember my post from last night about the cell phone issue, well, after that post I actually went out and told my H how I felt about the deleted calls and how they made me nervous because of 'past practices'...I said it lovingly NOT accusingly. His response was, "I'm sorry it makes you feel that way, if you'd like I won't delete anything anymore, I'll let you check my phone each day and YOU can delete the calls after you've reviewed them. I don't want you to worry about the phone." I thanked him and realized by the sincerity in his voice and on his face that there wasn't any sinister meaning to his practice of deleting calls, at least not any more.
I understand that it is VERY important to you to be a part of his final break with OW. I was present with my Hs final call to OW#2 in which he told her to leave him the hell alone that he was back with me and that she was to stop making any contact with him. He was not nice about it. BUT, their A had only been sexual in nature and he'd only been out with her a few times (I know this because I met and talked to her and she was very honest much to her own embarrassment and actually, I know it sounds crazy, a part of me felt sorry for her because she didn't know H and I were supposedly trying to recon when he hooked up with her. She told me THEIR whole story and SHE told me that he told her their R was going to be strickly for the purpose of sex and to expect nothing more. She did because she was so alone and broken, her H had left after cheating on her. She apologized with great sincerity to me for the pain she may have caused me, unknowingly). So I know how important being a part of the 'closure' is whether your H 'cared' about this OW of his, or like my H, used her solely for 'gratification'. But the truth is, whether he does it with or without you be satisfied that he does it. It can't all be done on OUR terms, they have their foolish pride and already so much of that has been stripped by their foolish choices.
Quote: What can I do to make him want to live with me again?? How did your H get to that point?
I think just making him 'feel safe' My H made the decision to come home as a result of a few months of us "dating" his over night visits, our reconnecting as 'friends' and our growing feeling of 'safety' between us. We had BOTH 'calmed down'...every moment together had stopped being a nervous encounter and had become 'normal' again in many ways. I give myself ALL the credit for getting us to that place because I CHANGED the way I handled everything, including our R talks. They became few and far between and when they occurred I didn't accuse or berate, I shared MY feelings and asked for his. He began to realize that I was no longer 'on the attack' and only sincerely wanting to heal from my pain, NOT continue to punish HIM for his failure. (He's already punishing himself enough, I don't have to help him with that). Then finally, after having lived here the week after the Hurricane, when there were no R talks and we went about our 'normal' work lives etc.. He never went back to 'his' place. It did however take him an entire week to finally bring all his 'things' home. Our getting to THIS point, THIS TIME, took from July to Oct 1st. HE finally decided for himself that we were on our way to POSSIBLY being able to get past this nightmare. So he became willing to give it a try and THIS TIME, unlike the first time, he really is in it to make it work.
Believe ME, your H is more worried that YOU'LL never really forgive or forget than anything else. My H still worries. He just told me last weekend that he misses knowing I can't trust him and he prays that someday I will. It really does kill him that I fear his betraying me again because in HIS MIND he knows he never will but he also knows that I DON'T believe that and it's hard for him to face the reality of that.
The way to get them home is to stop making his coming home the BIG deal. The pressure of that decision is what keeps them from making it. The fear of failing at reconciliation keeps them from making it. BUT they will, once they see that we are at a point that our entire lives together won't revolve around the horrible thing they've done.
It's really a BIG chance they take in coming home...they are MORE afraid of failing than WE are.
T2
