Hi T2, I just caught upon your new thread. I really like it,and the concept behind it. We have to learn how to get our own needs met. That means approaching our H's differently than we did before; you remember, the way it DIDN'T work. Remember not to fall into old patterns. Real change is HARD WORK, but as long as you are aware of what your doing, you'll catch yourself before you need to call in the damage control squad. Just keep remembering that all this is normal in reconciliation. We all think ours willbe different, and out H's will come back new men. I think first we have to be new women. I'm so haopy for you-you'll make it, I know you will! Rachael
Well MORNIN Sisters, Thank you all for droppin by my new digs. I am still contemplating the decorating pallet but even without the new paint, I already like the 'view.'
Nothing much new to report. M-W I stay busy with work/& or school so my puter time is limited and so is my time w/H.
But I'm off this whole weekend and we're already planning on attending the Celtic Festival this Saturday so I'm really looking forward to that...gotta love that Scottish Tribal Music and the Fife & Drums!!
My PMA is in a really good place since the talk w/H. And Tal's right, the occassional 'clear the air' R talk is imperative for me in order to keep my 'imaginary and REAL monsters at bay.
T2~ You sound like you have a very healthy perspective!! Have a great weekend!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Alrighty then...today I'm still doing okay. Have had a couple of 'moments' but they've passed as quickly as they came...I still have a big thing for H's cell phone. I know that he deletes numbers nightly...I asked him about it and he said that he's always done that...but I don't think he started doing that until I found the PHONE # in it when I snooped months and months ago...that's when he caught on that I was checking the cell caller Id etc....so NOW the fact that he deletes his numbers in and out daily keeps me skeptical....I think I may always fear/hate that cell phone for a long time to come.
Other than that, the few spastic moments I've had, I kept to myself and they floated over rather quietly, leaving little or no pain in their wake.
H has been in good spirits and acting like his 'old self' for several days now.
ONE BIG positive today is (and you all know how I feel about the AA thing considering the fact that both his As were with AA women)...anyway....tonight a member called and apparently wanted to talk (the program) with my H and my H actually told him to come HERE for coffee and a chat tomorrow rather than go somewhere to meet him. THAT IS AN ABSOLUTE FIRST When he got off the phone he told me a little about the guy, just how long he's been sober, where he's from, how old etc....MY H has NEVER allowed me to "know" anything about his AA buddies...that was always one of our biggest problems in that he purposefully kept me out of the loop...like I was an 'outcast'...when in fact I think he used the program (these 20+) years as his 'other life'...so this is a biggie for him. I of course will keep the coffee going and stay away so they can "talk"...I don't want to know this man's personal biz...but I am happy just to know that my H has decided that I do have to be a part of his ENTIRE life.
Hi T2, I'm so glad to hear you sounding SO positive! It's wonderful that your H is letting you in on an area of his life that he kept to himself all these yrs. He's really coming around. So many things going in the right direction for you now. I have a question for you. When you and your H started getting serious about getting back together, was he hesitant about saying he wanted to come home? I said something to my H tonight as we were parting about not liking us going to two different places. I asked him if he felt that way, and he said "sometimes." I hate that word! I mean he is acting commited in every way and nicer than he's been since I can't remember when and being very affectionate. We're getting along great-ever since I laid it all out in a two hr marathon of raving at him for not being straight with me in the past. He's assured me I can trust him. He is suppose to tell OW there can be NO contact. No talking on the phone-nothing. As of 3 days ago he had not talked to her. I don't like that he's seemingly procratinating about telling her. I plan on sharing with him Matilda's story about her H's EA and how they handled that. Her H. involved her in the whole process of getting rid of the OW. He has told me he'll tell me when he tells her. It's been a week now. I'm wondering if she's called him. Like you, I hate the cell phone. I can't get ahold of his to see anything. I'm not even sure how to work it. I'm not sure he keeps it on when we're together. Another talk I want to have. He wants me to trust him-he has to earn it, and take steps to show me he's not hiding anything. At first I wanted him to call her with me on the line. I'm not sure he'll do it, but it would go a long way to show me he's sincere. If he's ending it forever, what difference does it make? He needs to care more about my feelings now right? I don't want him to feel comfortable living in his own apt, seeing me all the time,but not commiting to living with me. I know we can't right now because our S would be very upset,but still I want him to WANT to come home. We've been apart long enough. What can I do to make him want to live with me again?? How did your H get to that point? He wants me to come over in the morning. I want to go to bed with him and wake up with him. Nagging won't help. I have to make him WANT to come home. But How????? Have a GREAT weekend. Keep up that PMA! Rachael
Quote: When you and your H started getting serious about getting back together, was he hesitant about saying he wanted to come home?
The answer to that is ABSOLUTELY. When the subject was first broached (by me of course) when he appeared to REALLY be coming out of the tunnel in late summer, he said quite matter of factly that he didn't know if he'd ever be able to do that considering all he'd done, all we'd been through AND the miserable attempt we made to cohabitate the first time (between Nov and April). So he really had cold feet about trying it again. SO DID I though really. Then, even THIS time, I know in his heart of hearts when he did decide to come home there was a part of him that actually expected this to be just as horrific as the last attempt. It's like the whipped dog syndrome, the last time he came home I beat him up (verbally with guilt trips) on an almost daily basis I was still so far from being emotionally stable myself back then.
That "SOMETIMES" answer we get is them wanting so badly for their life with us to get back to 'normal' but their guilt reminds them that they have a lot of "dues" to pay and they are unsure they can do it. NO ONE wants to be beaten up every day or every other day for their past sins and THEY know that TRUST is something that comes with a HUGE price attached to it, now that they've destroyed it.
You said:
Quote: I don't like that he's seemingly procratinating about telling her. I plan on sharing with him Matilda's story about her H's EA and how they handled that
DON'T DO THAT!!! Our Hs do NOT like being told how to do their 'recovery' BY US. We can't make them read articles, books or BBs...they resent the hell out of that because they interpret that as OUR STILL TRYING TO CONTROL THEM. They "hear" us telling them that we think they're to stupid and to inept at getting themselves out of the mess they've gotten themselves and US into...and now we're stepping in as their 'teacher' or 'mother' to tell them how to get their lives together...They resist that stuff...believe me I know...that's exactly what made my H run to A # 2 during our first recon attempt...I was scaring the crap out of him and in his insanity the answer to that was (like a child) "I'll show her, I'll screw someone else, she can't tell me I'm BAD, that I don't know what I'm doing...I'll do whatever I want!" NOT GOOD.
You said:
Quote: He wants me to trust him-he has to earn it, and take steps to show me he's not hiding anything.
ABSOLUTELY. And YOU have every right to tell him exactly that. If you remember my post from last night about the cell phone issue, well, after that post I actually went out and told my H how I felt about the deleted calls and how they made me nervous because of 'past practices'...I said it lovingly NOT accusingly. His response was, "I'm sorry it makes you feel that way, if you'd like I won't delete anything anymore, I'll let you check my phone each day and YOU can delete the calls after you've reviewed them. I don't want you to worry about the phone." I thanked him and realized by the sincerity in his voice and on his face that there wasn't any sinister meaning to his practice of deleting calls, at least not any more.
I understand that it is VERY important to you to be a part of his final break with OW. I was present with my Hs final call to OW#2 in which he told her to leave him the hell alone that he was back with me and that she was to stop making any contact with him. He was not nice about it. BUT, their A had only been sexual in nature and he'd only been out with her a few times (I know this because I met and talked to her and she was very honest much to her own embarrassment and actually, I know it sounds crazy, a part of me felt sorry for her because she didn't know H and I were supposedly trying to recon when he hooked up with her. She told me THEIR whole story and SHE told me that he told her their R was going to be strickly for the purpose of sex and to expect nothing more. She did because she was so alone and broken, her H had left after cheating on her. She apologized with great sincerity to me for the pain she may have caused me, unknowingly). So I know how important being a part of the 'closure' is whether your H 'cared' about this OW of his, or like my H, used her solely for 'gratification'. But the truth is, whether he does it with or without you be satisfied that he does it. It can't all be done on OUR terms, they have their foolish pride and already so much of that has been stripped by their foolish choices.
Quote: What can I do to make him want to live with me again?? How did your H get to that point?
I think just making him 'feel safe' My H made the decision to come home as a result of a few months of us "dating" his over night visits, our reconnecting as 'friends' and our growing feeling of 'safety' between us. We had BOTH 'calmed down'...every moment together had stopped being a nervous encounter and had become 'normal' again in many ways. I give myself ALL the credit for getting us to that place because I CHANGED the way I handled everything, including our R talks. They became few and far between and when they occurred I didn't accuse or berate, I shared MY feelings and asked for his. He began to realize that I was no longer 'on the attack' and only sincerely wanting to heal from my pain, NOT continue to punish HIM for his failure. (He's already punishing himself enough, I don't have to help him with that). Then finally, after having lived here the week after the Hurricane, when there were no R talks and we went about our 'normal' work lives etc.. He never went back to 'his' place. It did however take him an entire week to finally bring all his 'things' home. Our getting to THIS point, THIS TIME, took from July to Oct 1st. HE finally decided for himself that we were on our way to POSSIBLY being able to get past this nightmare. So he became willing to give it a try and THIS TIME, unlike the first time, he really is in it to make it work.
Believe ME, your H is more worried that YOU'LL never really forgive or forget than anything else. My H still worries. He just told me last weekend that he misses knowing I can't trust him and he prays that someday I will. It really does kill him that I fear his betraying me again because in HIS MIND he knows he never will but he also knows that I DON'T believe that and it's hard for him to face the reality of that.
The way to get them home is to stop making his coming home the BIG deal. The pressure of that decision is what keeps them from making it. The fear of failing at reconciliation keeps them from making it. BUT they will, once they see that we are at a point that our entire lives together won't revolve around the horrible thing they've done.
It's really a BIG chance they take in coming home...they are MORE afraid of failing than WE are.
T2
Alrighty then...today I'm still doing okay. Have had a couple of 'moments' but they've passed as quickly as they came...I still have a big thing for H's cell phone. I know that he deletes numbers nightly...I asked him about it and he said that he's always done that...but I don't think he started doing that until I found the PHONE # in it when I snooped months and months ago...that's when he caught on that I was checking the cell caller Id etc....so NOW the fact that he deletes his numbers in and out daily keeps me skeptical....I think I may always fear/hate that cell phone for a long time to come.