I am following along. Work has been crazy busy so I haven't been able to post much. Piecing is challenging, I imagine, but I think you have the right attitude. You are grateful to be there and not elsewhere.
Thanks Kara and CW, Things are much better tonight. Had a good chat and really working on the "we are in this together" approach. We decided we are taking the attitude that we are going to just "hang on to each other" and take things "one day at a time"... as my thread is called.
Way to appologize, reconnect, hug, and hold tight. You did great!
Once the conversation gets too triggered on both sides, nobody is going to be listening well enough. You did the right thing by calming down and settling it afterward. We're not going to have perfect communication - the point is that you resolved it with love.
And yeah.... "It got quite heated. I am wondering if other piecers have a hard time with accepting your own failings when you are feeling so betrayed. I know I have made mistakes in our M, and none of them excuse his choice to have an A. He knows this too, and has said this, but I just couldn't hear that last night."
This is the hardest part for me right now. Walking the tightrope between admitting my failings and yet knowing that none of that excuses his behavior toward me (not much OP, more a lot of verbal/emotional abuse...not to mention moving out and filing for separation before having any MC).
But your H came back and said it was his guilt that was triggered and that is A GOOD THING - I'm looking forward to some of that myself someday! That means he IS taking responsibility and trying to have compassion for the pain he caused you. Sometimes if he feels too guilty he may lash out - it's par for the course. But you stopped the pattern and moved in a positive direction. Good work.
It sends him into a very dark place emotionally and he said yesterday that his frustration with finances was a huge part of the "fuel" that led him to thinking he wanted to "walk away" (yes, he used those words!) from his life and have a "do over" life.
I think that finances were a trigger for my WAH as well. In fact, the last financial crisis that we had was the trigger for starting MC. H was not enthusiatic about MC, but he was so unhappy with our marriage that he was desperate (blaming the M for all of his financial stress. In the few months that it took for the financial crisis to lessen, he started to turn his back on MC (and it wasn't really progressing) and act as if our M problems weren't as big a problem.
Anyway, all this to say that I think I will follow the advice in DR if we have the opportunity to R. Michele W-D advocates couples taking action to address financial problems proactively. If doing that would be a 180 for you, maybe that's a way to deal with this type of trigger? Not saying you took the wrong approach, but my experience with my H is that it's not realistic to expect him to manage his feelings during financial crises, and that we would be better off just being more careful about preventing them (though he blocked me on that too).
Anyway, glad to see that you're piecing and I wish you the best.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Those are good points. I have been thinking about 180's for me regarding the financial aspect of our lives. It's hard b/c I do it all! He can't handle it. It's been that way for quite a few years. I have tried to be as proactive as I can, although I think the only thing left I can do is see a financial advisor. But, H would never agree to that or be comfortable with it, so I'd either have to do that without him knowing, which isn't good for moving forward with honesty in our M, or just do it whether he liked it or not, which isn't good for the "teamwork" approach we are working on.
anyway.. the best 180 I feel I can do right now re: this is to be more emotionally detached regarding his responses to the financial situation. I am working on that, and getting better at it... although still find that hard.
It's funny isn't it - of course, it isn't really - how life is.
I can identify with the H's under stress to provide well financially. I did really well in the early part of my career, had a dramatic return to earth or a couple of years, and have spent the last 5-6 running my own business. It was immensely hard at the beginning.
I can rememeber the stresses and resentments, coupled with the anger towards W over our M issues and SL. The dam burst a couple of times. In the end, I just focused on what I could do work wise. In a weird way, this helped drive W into her A fog later.
On an objective level, it also intrigues me on hindsight how the could-have-been WAH I might have been should have gleefully walked away when the A broke, and the mixed feelings I have about things even after.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
I have been thinking about 180's for me regarding the financial aspect of our lives. It's hard b/c I do it all! He can't handle it. It's been that way for quite a few years. I have tried to be as proactive as I can, although I think the only thing left I can do is see a financial advisor. But, H would never agree to that or be comfortable with it, so I'd either have to do that without him knowing, which isn't good for moving forward with honesty in our M, or just do it whether he liked it or not, which isn't good for the "teamwork" approach we are working on.
anyway.. the best 180 I feel I can do right now re: this is to be more emotionally detached regarding his responses to the financial situation. I am working on that, and getting better at it... although still find that hard.
Yeah, so helping with with the practical side of the finances wouldn't be a 180 for you...it makes sense that not taking on his stress is a good option for you.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
