Mixed Signals or is this Limbo Land

[MHL]

DW,
Again well put, in our sitches we are separated and if we fill any of those needs while they are apart from us then there is no reason for them to come back or at least work on the M/R. I am really going to start to keep a better journal/calendar from here on out, but I am going to include things that would be considered GALing. I am going to set more goals around me and less around the R with my W. Really the only goal with regards to my W would be that she call to talk about something otherthan kids, or initiates some conversation after kid talk. I think all other goals need to be about me.

[MHL]

Not a great morning but not too bad either, I am off of work for MLK day, so a bad day at home is better than a good day at work??? Gotta get some thoughts out of my head so I can get on with the day.

D13 computer runs Vista and Microsoft neighbor is going to wipe it and install Win7, so I need to pull any pics and music off her computer so it won't be lost. Of course I pull the pics and they go back a couple of years. Since the pictures were from my D13's camera, she was the one taking the pics, so there were several pics of my wife and I together particularly on a cruise in April of 2008, one of our best vacations ever. Pictures do say a thousand words and those words are "We are happy, we are in love" over and over again. Anyone could see it, there is no doubt.

When the nightmare started and I was looking through old pictures and it was hard to find pictures of my W and I together, but my D13 has plenty. We were Fat and Happy and did not care. My W started losing weight at this time and it took her about 18 months to get where she is today. She lost a total of 47 lbs. and looks better than when we got married. When the nightmare started in July I weighed 233 lbs. and I am 6' 3" but I wore the weight okay you could tell I needed to lose 10-20 lbs. I lost 70 lbs. in 4 months and now I can't seem to put it back on but am trying. Point is that we were "Fat and Happy" I always have been attracted to my wife no matter her weight and when I look at the pictures of us together, I would go right back to that weight for us to be happy again. This is the stuff that will train wreck a day.

Got the computer done, now its on to collecting paper work for my lawyer, ugghhh. Another one-two punch to the gut. After that I got to pay the bills and plan dinner for the week. Trying to get my W off my mind and right when I am getting focused, you guessed it....she calls and I answer...my heart skipped a beat b/c she never calls in the middle of the day. I wanted so bad to carry on a conversation with her but did not, just said hello, how's it going? in as cheerful of a voice as I could muster. She was equally cheerful, said she was taking lunch and wanted to call and check on S9, he happened to be at home. (normally at friends house) So I quickly said let me go get him and handed the phone to him w/o saying anything else to her. S9 and W finished their conversation and hung up, no mention of kid exchange details or anything, I guess this follows the script, she is not thinking beyond the next five minutes. Again I will write it down but really nothing to note between her and I otherthan we spoke.

On a positive note, right after that I got invited to a friend's bday party at local restaurant on Saturday night. This place is the place to be seen and I will be with a large group. I am looking forward to this and should boost the ego. I am hoping to meet some new people and start to really GAL that involves people.

[Kemper]

DW,

Kemp..hint...hint!

LOL. You know what I have really thought about what I might do to satisfy some of her needs while she is still here. It is really hard to do with your flip-flop from angry to upset all while acting as-if.

I can actually look back and see when our M took a turn. It wasn't when OM came into the picture, it was when I was working crazy hours for a project I was on. However, based on those hours I got an awesome bonus and stock award. My W really like material things but what was missing was a R with her H. I have been around a ton more since the bomb. The problem is after I told her I was done the table turned and we have been avoiding each other as much as possible.

Some days are better than others but she is still convinced that this is the best thing for her. I don't want to pursue and like you said it is a fine line. I have been happy when I am around her (with the exception of our discussion on Sat where I just put it all out there).

MSH,

I can relate. Today wasn't the best day. For some reason I was really angry at W today. I didn't show that anger when I got home but I did feel it during the day. A ton of WHY questions that I am sure will never be answered.

Glad to hear you have some GAL plans for this weekend. I think you did really well today with the call today.

[MHL]

Just making a note and an observation on my sitch.

My W does not think beyond her nose, never has but I feel it is more evident since all this crap began. I answered the phone last night when she called to say goodnite to S9 but still no confirming of meeting for tonight at 6:10 so S9 can eat dinner with her, she drives out to house to drop him off at 8:30 (this is the extent of her visitation with him, 4-6 hours a week). I was short with conversation only said "hi, how's it going" and "hold on I will get S9".

Today at work get email from her.
W: can we meet at same place tonight?
M: yes, that is okay.
W: Thank you.

I know this is uneventfull stuff, but if I keep the conversation limited to this level, do I need to worry about not having enough interactions to show changes or should I keep it at this minimum level?? I am thinking keeping it at a minimum, but we communicate almost daily either via email, or in person.

I was lurking around the boards last night and found this thread which was helpful in explaining the stages of MLC, which I am convinced my W is in.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

got it from OldPilot in a different forum.

[dwinter82]

This another one of those tricky questions. How do you show her any changes (180's) in you when tough love is on-going (keeping minimum contact and distance).

It might be helpful to better uderstand the 180's or the changes you are working on (without invading your privacy) and then maybe we can all figure out a plan of attack for your sitch.

Being confident, happy and friendly even during just the kid exchanges wil show her alot...I am learning consisteny is vital for all of this.

[Cie la vie]

MHL,

I'm curious about how much contact verbal or otherwise you have with your W since she moved out. My W is in the process of moving out and we have temporary custody arrangments in place at least for the month of Feb. We have nannies M-F from 8-6 and most of the handoffs will be between nanny and parent.

The reason I ask is I would prefer to limit my contact with my W as much as possible. If I could I would go pitch black on her. My primary reason is to allow myself to fully detach as much as possible. In addition I want her to experience her new life as fully seperated from me as is possible as well. I've come to the conclusion that my W has definitely noticed my 180's because she can't not notice and she doesn't really care one way or the other. She has never commented or acknowledged the efforts I have made to correct the problems she stated were the reasons for filing, of course the A was hidden from this conversation and discovered later.

I also realize that the best thing for me moving forward is to keep up the 180's and GAling not for her but for me as they do make me a better person overall. It becomes increasingly apparent to me that my W whether she is a WAW or an MLCer (or both) has no intentions of changing her mind about divorce. It's going on four months and I haven't seen or documented a single event that would suggest otherwise.

My intentions are to continue to be friendly and cordial anytime I must see or speak with her. I just want those times to be far and few between.

[C-Bart]

Thanks for sharing the link on MLC. Great insight about MLC and WAS.

[dwinter82]

Cie la vie, have you established your "distance" boundaries with your W. This just me, but I would. Let her know in a repsectful and confident manner what your expectations are. Do not give any reasons other than you just want your complete individualism back and contact with her does not allow for that. I told my W this and she seemd to respect it...kind of (read my new post for more info). Also, keep in mind this is just my approach and I am as full of it as the next guy, and going through the same crap you are.

MSH, what's happening?

[MHL]

This another one of those tricky questions. How do you show her any changes (180's) in you when tough love is on-going (keeping minimum contact and distance).

It might be helpful to better uderstand the 180's or the changes you are working on (without invading your privacy) and then maybe we can all figure out a plan of attack for your sitch.

Being confident, happy and friendly even during just the kid exchanges wil show her alot...I am learning consisteny is vital for all of this.

I feel like I tried the really friendly route and then the FB/Bar thing was in my face, and I feel like she was cake eating which could have gone on until D day.

The change is I dropped the rope completely, during the MC session. Told her it was over, and handed her my ring. Now I am trying to follow through a little better this week. Today at kid exchange I did not get out of car, she was about to and saw that I was not and she stayed in. I made sure S9 got into her car safely and I pulled away. She did not get out of car when she brought him home and I did not wave nor did I even look towards the car when I let S9 in the front door.

My fear or uncertainty is that this will be preceived as anger towards her. I second guess the smallest things such as waving goodbye or getting out of the car. It is that fine line again. If she wanted to see me she would have gotten out of the car. If she wanted to see me she would have walked my S9 up to the front door. It is not in my nature to be stand offish, or cold but if I do those things will she start to miss the interaction?? Or do I show her how nice I can be, but she knows how nice I can be. A 180 would be limited contact, a little cold, I guess I could have waved as he was coming in the house and it would have been fine. Maybe just some fine tuning in my approach. I know these are small things but I remember reading they are watching your every move.

[MHL]

Thanks for sharing the link on MLC. Great insight about MLC and WAS.

Sometimes I try to dig for some success stories or insighful posts. I think I have been from one end of these boards to the other, it still doesn't change the fact that I am not going to read myself out of this nightmare. But when I do find a nugget of wisdom or insight or better yet a success story similar to mine it gives me hope.