Looking for Advice

[Lost Rabbit]

Arnt kids fab, my S(21) told his dad a few home truths occasionally which I just about managed to contain myself from laughing.

It will be tough having her about but emotionally unavailable, but just keep DB'ing your best and dont rush things (())

[rockedworld]

Small changes add some mystery... the new clothes and cologne. Maybe change up some of your routines a little bit, do things differently than you usually would in the evening. Remember... spontaneously going out for ice cream? Be on your blackberry more than you normally would (even if you are just fiddling with it, she won't know... she will be wondering who you are in contact with). I did that, and it definitely made my H curious. Another time I was actually on these boards and H was in another room. Someone had posted something funny on my thread and I laughed out loud. H came into the room with a funny look on his face and I could see he was dying of curiosity. I gave a vague answer. When H was working late, I'd be (uncharacteristically) out with the kids rather than waiting at home. We would go do something fun, and he would express sadness at feeling left out. One time when he came home late, I had different music I don't usually listen to playing...
Just things like that will make her wonder "why the changes? what's going on?" It will unsettle her. The WAS counts on you being the same, being available, being the "constant" in their life, the "fall back" plan. When you shake that up, they have to take a second look at things...

[gutwrenching]

Lost - thanks, yes it is tough with W being emotionally unavailable, but I guess easier than when she was so furious at me she wouldn't talk to me. Don't rush, got to continually remind myself of that, that is the tough part.

Rocked - you are my hero today! Those are all things I can actually do. I can't follow all the "book" methods because of sitch with both in high profile jobs and we have all the same friends and young kids and a schedule (work and required social events) that makes most people cringe.

BUT...I can do those things you suggested. Music is a good one, in fact I forgot to mention that. When shopping last night, W asks me if we need an itunes card, how much is left on our balance. I told her that last night I added our last $15 card but I promptly spent $10 of it. She asked what on and I told her I donwloaded the album of ____. There was quite the quizical look - because it is a different type of music for me, but an artist she told me about a while back. I have started listenting to different music and I will find times to start playing them. Blackberry, that is easy. Kids if she knows she is going to be late - check, I can do that one. Ice cream - yep - thought about doing that last night, but decided I would save it for when things were maybe in more of a lull...I had quite a few things little things over the past couple of days. Cologne - she hasn't noticed that she has said, though I leave it out next to my sink, don't know how perceptive she is of my stuff, not sure I would notice something new next to her sink.

If you have any more of those great little ideas, I am all ears.

Now the not as good news of the day...some stuff came down on potential positions for upcoming summer move for both of us. One of the jobs, W should consider jumping at...she's not so sure...so this has potential to lead to talk of the future and/or R. Not good. Will have to try to avoid at all costs. Job would entail long hours of work which I speculate might be frightening her (hard for a single parent), but on the other hand she has told me before that she wants a job that continues her on the path for more promotions since she doesn't think we will be together...so that would mean one of these types of jobs with longer hours. It can't go both ways, but I sure wouldn't want her making a final decision right now, because I think the decision would be D.

[rockedworld]

Don't stress too much about the job sitch...more than likely she is waffling in her own mind a lot right now. It seems like most WAS's do at this point. If you keep working on YOU, then it is more likely she will see YOU as the better option to OM or any OM, and especially to being a single parent. If you let yourself get too worried about this, there is a tendency to send off vibes of tension or pressure... which could push her away. Even if you are worried, send off a relaxed "we'll figure it out" kinda vibe. Do you still have some time before any decisions get made on this?

[gutwrenching]

Rocked - time - no. Less than 24 hours. We both were pulled aside after a meeting we were both at and were told by a supervisor that we might both get considered for job regardless if we want it or not...supervisor didn't want us to be surprised. Supervisor tried to get us to go into office to discuss, but I difused the sitch real quick by saying look we haven't even discussed this yet how can we go talk to you about it, we would have nothing to say yet. So I got us out of that conversation in front of supervisor--that could have been awkward. I put on my jacket to leave while W was talking to people still and W then got herself ready and left with me. I mentioned something non-threatening along the lines of I'm not surprised your a good fit and didn't really get a reply. So I changed the subject and we had a friendly chat walking back to our offices about work related items other than job sitch.

Oh and I am not stressing at the moment. W wouldn't want to take that job as single parent. I just don't want to have to talk about the future at this point, but if we have to, well there's no way around it that I can see. So will have to deal with it. I know I won't like what she has to say at this point, that is obvious in her actions and complete pull back to how things were prior to suicide.

But I can read the body language - scared/worried would be the best words to describe what I saw in her face. I tried making jokes/light of the situation in-front of the supervisor with comments like "we won't answer our phones today" not much else I could do.

This could turn out to be nothing, it could all disappear as quickly as it surfaced, we'll see.

[gutwrenching]

Oh man, anxiety just came back. This sucks. Had a young man come talk to me about how he has changed his life, seen the light, looking to earn trust back, so sorry he lied about an incident, etc, etc. All I could when he was done was think about W. I gave her 2nd chance, will probably give her 3rd chance since she is still in contact with OM. Put that darn sinking feeling in the stomach along with the pounding in the chest. And I was doing so well today. Frustrating.

If this young man can show the humility, admit his mistakes, and beg for another chance, why can't someone as intelligent and experienced in life as my W? That's what keeps running through my brain.

Now the other debate. Do I share some of this story with W? This is something I normally would share, but it might seem like pressure at this point, so not sure. but she does know of this person's past and the issue that caused him to now relfect and change his life.

[gutwrenching]

Well, it is the evening now, kids in bed, wife secluded to the basement. Second night in row, her going to the basement doesn't bother me. If she is chatting with OM, so be it, probably better than talking on the telephone.

My fear of talk of the future doesn't seem to be the case, W just mentioned she talked to supervisor again and basically sold how she was not a good fit for the job. And then seemed to imply to them that I was, I took the opportunity to be a bit "playful" about it and got some real smiles as I was accusing her of trying to sell me for a job I don't want and even poked her in the belly to which she said don't touch me but in a playful way not as in get away from me. Just to be sure not to push too much, I stopped. So that little exchange was good.

But not as good as my glorious kids who do it again for me! First they start talking about the place they went with their mother this summer when I wasn't around and both of them ask over and over if they can go back to this hotel with all of us this time. Then a little later they start talking about the move next summer and the fact they want a pool with our next house to which the W just gives me a look, hard to describe, but a look of understanding that we're a long way from that but the only to give them what they want would be to stay together. At least that's what it seemed to me. Little later W says something about not getting a TM from D8 today after school...and I must have had a look on my face because she said did you get one, and I answered honestly -- yes...that one bothered her. And she asked if I had sent D8 one first and I answered yes I had...again bothered her because obviously she hadn't. Then later when W going thru older daughters homework and telling her how good it is, D8 runs over to me for the praise and the high 5s...why of course, because I have been the one doing all the homework with her every night. The look on W's face told it all--rejection/dejected. Not that I want her to feel bad, but she did this to herself, to them, to us. She has been in a fog or unavailable for too long and I have CHANGED and my relationship with my kids is all I have right now and it means the world to me...and the other hope is the kids might help someday help pull W out of fog. I have to believe they have a better chance than anything else because they used to mean so, so much to her. And she really was trying with them tonight, she was "there" not "somewhere out there" like I've been seeing.

So a decent, stress free evening. W came home late, but early enough to make dinner while I was at swim lessons with girls (although they again were dejected because their mother never takes them), she made us lunches for tomorrow, she helped with everything. She went to the basement to do work because she "got nothing accomplished today" and I just said, sounds like a late night, but again she said no, we have to get up early to work out, I'll just get done what I can. That too is a step in the right direction...previously she would stay up till 1, 2, or even 3 in the morning.

I still don't have trust, still on the lookout for signs of the EA which I saw none one way or the other today. But I'll take an evening where I don't have to do everything and it is relatively stress free.

[MrBond]

So why are you allowing her the contact with the OM? She's doing it under your roof, put a stop to it. It's obvious she doesn't respect you.

That's what it should start with. RESPECT.

[gutwrenching]

I am still struggling with how to best approach. The phone communication is not happening under my roof and I can barely prove that. I also cannot prove the e-mail or chatting, just highly suspect it. I am debating what is the best approach and timing. Right now, not the best time, but probably will be soon.

Some suggest the outshine approach. Some the full exposure. I did the full exposure before when I had concrete evidence. But I think it has just gone deeper undercover, but my only proof is one phone call that happened about a week ago for 18 minutes.

[Lost Rabbit]

GW keep doing what you are doing hun! I dont think getting into a bunfight over possible email contact will help, you have no proof that she is and it all could horribly backfire in your face. Whatever it feels like, deep down she adores and loves your girls to bits, she just cant see the wood for the trees at the moment and the grass isnt looking as green as it used to be over there, because she is wobbling about her thoughts and decisions.

Keep up the new/gal you, keep showing her that its so much more fun being with you and the girls and that it would be the worst life decision she has ever made to go on her single way. She is not seeing this man physically is she so although she is not getting her loving from you, she isnt getting it anywhere else to compare so will fall into a relapse at some point.

Time is the real essence of all this, keep plodding along, no rushing just keep showing her the way to a fufilling loving marriage! (()) As I do know how hard work it is waking up to find its still the same each day.