I tried to respond to your request on your previous thread, but it was locked, so I did place on mine, but this may be the better spot to put it ...
Quote: Hi KAW
I wanted to come over to your thread to post a response to something you'd written today on Tal's.
You said:
Quote: At first you really don't even want to ask, but by using "I" statements express how you would feel if you did get what you want and drop it. Give him time to work on offering such when he has a chance to. If it becomes his choice to offer what you expressed as liking, you both will get more satisfaction, where in directly asking for it will tend to make him feel more burden to oblige and avoids resentment on your part that your expectations are always being pushed into the closet.
This is where I'M stuck right now. In the past I've tried various ways to 'express myself and my needs" to my H to let him know what I need him to do, in order to help reassure me that he is in this 100% with me this time. I find that he sits and listens, nods his head in affirmation, says, "I'll try" etc etc...and then proceeds like a stubborn or disinterested child to ignore each of my requests.
I am giving up...shriveling up, might be a better word from NOT getting what I need in any measure from him. Oh sure he's into doing those 'acts of service' but THAT is NOT what I've asked for.
I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to give this new cohabitation time..but I fear that it's all going to be for nothing if he continues to refuse to meet any of my needs my way.
Selfish? I don't think so, I thinks it's mutual consideration.
What's your take on this? T2
Hi T2, I was going to respond on your thread, but it appears to be locked up, I'll do it here...
I "feel" your frustration and I can relate to it too. I can count on two fingers how many times I heard CAW initate ILY since last March and when it came to wanting CAW to meet some of my expectations at the beginning of the year, I was at my wit's end.
The way you refer to H moving back in as "new cohabitation time" gives me the impression that you recognize that your "piecing" is not quite at the reconciliation phase yet. Its more like H is sticking his big toe in the pool to tepidly test the waters. If I remember right you mentioned this is your 2nd attempt at moving back in together. Your H must be feeling even more anxious this time around than last time if it will work. He is nowhere ready to commit to doing a cannonball into the pool, in fact, very few do a cannonball, most sloowwlleee creep their way into the water ... first the ankles ... wait a while ... then the knees .... wait a while ... very gently the crotch area ... wait a while ... and then the navel is another tough one to get past too, ... another words it is a long drawn out process before most start putting 100% recommitment into M.
So what you may interpret as lackadaisical responses to what you expressed you are wishing for are actually his reaction to his fear that you are asking for something he doesn't know if he can offer yet. By moving in, your H is doing the a major acting "as-if" he hopes this works. I hope this doesn't discourage you anymore T2, but basically at this time he is "faking" it until he feels it is for real ... and while he's "faking" it it makes him uncomfortable to offer what you are asking for as the "real" thing.
Its gonna take time. I believe CAW is still wavering in this phase now for at least 10 months. At first I didn't recognize it and didn't realize expressing my expections were making her feel obligated to do them despite being uncomfortable complying and she began to preceive them as more of a burden and becoming more weighed down with "working" at it. It eventually started pushing her away again (along with outside influences I won't get into here) .
As time goes on and you start to put more good times together than there were before, H will start to feel more like it is for real and will become more comfortable that it can work out, so it start to feel "right" to offer some gestures in ways we desire. There have been periods in these last ten months where when CAW feels better about us, that she had made such gestures eventho I have long since ceased keeping any "scorecard" mentality.
So in short T2, put yourself in H's shoes (skin) ... and picture him tip-toeing into the water. Its gonna take a lot longer than Oct., 19th before he gets in past his belly button. If you can envision this, hopefully it will help you find the compassion / patience to wait for H to take that dip with you ... and being human its OK if you tend to get a little "pruny" waiting so long ... but you can recover from getting "pruny" in order to do some laps with H.
I've been piecing this post in between trying to get some work done, so I apologize if it comes out a little rough to read ... ... but I hope my "take" helps you out some...
T2, I hate being the last one to post! But I had to run. So happy that you went and had that talk with H. Sometimes it is OK to have R talks. Get everything out in the open.
Now you will be able to talk things out and you know how H feels.
T2...I like your new place....redecorating always lifts the spirits....my h told me about 2 years ago..when things were starting to be different that he wanted to grow old with me..about 3 years ago he gave me an anniv card and wrote that he would marry me again and again.....so when you said that your h told you this, it brought back some very positive hope for me and of course tears of what was.....you don't throw love away that easily..it's just lost for now..
great things are in the future for you and your h.... thanks
REading yoru last post reminded me of how often I felt the way you do in the first few months of piecing.
I think it was the back log of emotion, the anger, the doubts (about how I really felt, about how HE really felt), the uncertainty about the future...will THIS be enough???....that contributed to the periodic NECESSITY to have a sit down chat about OR.
I'm not 100% sure it made a huge difference in the progress in our M, but it felt like I HAD to do it or start getting all nasty again...I could FEEL the tension and irritability rising.
I suppose what I wanted to do is reassure you that as things move on, as things ARE addressed (and I don't mean perfectly...exactly as we expect) and comfort levels increase, that cycle seems to be slowing...not to get overly optimistic..but it's been quite a while...
(((((T2))))) Glad to be able to stop by your tunnel...let me know when you are ready to choose wallpaper and I will help you!!
I'm no expert at piecing, but it sounds like you are doing a great job at it!!!
Quote: My H said, "I want to grow old with you."
This is AWESOME...I think these are the words we all want to hear from our S. Congrats on hearing them from yours! I am happy for you!
Quote: sometimes you gotta tear down, in order to build back up.
This is so true, I admire your attitude...keep it up!!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Good morning T2, it's a grayish and cold day here, but I'm in a shiny disposition, so I decided to come and see how's the light at the end of the tunnel:) In my experience there is always some if we look well enough. Glad you're finding yours nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Sounds like you and I are pretty much at the same stage, T2. Not having R talks definately does not work for us, but doesn't come easy, especially now while emotions are still raw under the surface.
