Can you get to a place where your S's actions aren't about you? Because they really aren't. They're about him, his dad leaving, his teenagehood, his testing of boundaries. Kids this age are...hmmm...interesting. They stay pretty interesting until they hit college and rediscover that their parents aren't as stupid as they thought they were.
It's time to DB your son. If he starts to spew, put the hand up and firmly say, "Son, I understand you're going through a lot right now and I am willing to talk to you about anything you want to talk about. However, it is NOT okay for you to speak to me like this, and I will not listen to any disrespect. When you want to have a civil conversation about whatever is bothering you, I am available. Until then, keep it to yourself." Then walk away.
No crying in front of him in response to his behavior as this just makes him feel more powerful, and THAT'S what's really going on with him: he feels powerless. He's not abusing his father, because his father will send him back to you. Your S knows you're the safe place. He's pursuing dad, he's taking the frustration out on you.
If you can, get a copy of HOW TO TALK SO KIDS CAN LISTEN AND LISTEN SO KIDS CAN TALK. As a teacher, it was INVALUABLE. There are many, many strategies in the book, and it seems to all be around listening, validating and setting clear boundaries. I recommend this book to all my parents! It's pretty cheap too if they don't have it at your local library, around $12 new.
Hang in there. My colleague's daughter screamed at her and told her she was a horrible mother who was too effed up to have kids while they were in the midst of a divorce. Now, 7-8 years later, they are very close, closer than dad and daughter.
This too shall pass...but it's time to find that inner strength and imagine an invisible shield around you. All the nasty words bounce off that shield and fall on the ground. Visualize that!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
To all of you who came, I thank you... Thank you for the support, wisdom, the hugs, the song, the strength you project to me...
While I do understand he is hurting, I also have to think about my little one who is learning horrible things from the oldest (ie: cursing me, throwing things, slamming doors etc...) Last night was just plain and simple - Nothing but ugliness all around...
Oldest, wouldn't go to bed, wouldn't shower, kept turning his music up over and over after I repeatedly went in there and turned it down, he woke the little one up at 12:30am by slamming his door, he stole my phone and hid it then wouldn't give it back to me...
He laid on the bed as I emptied his dresser looking for it and just laughed at me...
Finally after I took his phone charger, he gave me back my phone - without the battery (got that back as well since I wouldn't return the charger without it), he threatened to pour gas on me and set me on fire if I went to sleep so needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night...
I woke him up this morning to go to school and he had the nerve to ask me if he could just stay home cause he was tired - Not gonna happen - Made him get up and he went to school, slamming doors all along the way...
Setting boundaries for him is like setting them for my H - Neither wants to live by any rules so after a night of thinking, of course some praying & a whole lot of crying, I am taking Gno's advice...
Originally Posted By: Gnosis
If I was you, I'd insist that he go stay with his father. H won't let son cramp his style. Don't take "no" for an answer from H.
Some of you may not agree with me (and I understand) sending him to his Dad however the way I see it, they are both poison to me and to my little one right now.
I won't be threatened anymore by a 14 year old and the fact that I am losing sleep because of it isn't a good thing for my mental state.
I have tried walking away however he just follows me around spewing his hatred...
He has bowed up at me like he was going to strike - And no worries there because he would only do it one time.
He has stated in the last week that he wished his little brother had never been born and that he would be better off if the two of us were out of the picture - Now I don't trust him to not do any harm to the little one if no one happened to be around.
Between all the probation mess, the classes, the appointments, and the money I have to pay every month because he is on probation...Not to exclude the attitude, the anger, the disrespect and the blatant rudeness - The way I see it, his Dad made this bed and it is time he gets to sleep in it.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I think you made a wise decision. Not only for you and the little one, but for your son as well. Sometimes, love takes different shapes and forms. Stay strong K
Oh, Serenity, I am so sorry for the night you had and all you're going through. You must be absolutely spent and drained.
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
Originally Posted By: Gnosis
If I was you, I'd insist that he go stay with his father. H won't let son cramp his style. Don't take "no" for an answer from H.
Some of you may not agree with me (and I understand) sending him to his Dad however the way I see it, they are both poison to me and to my little one right now.
I support you. I agree. Have you spoken to P.O. or attorney about this? Can you formally set it up, enforceably?
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
Between all the probation mess, the classes, the appointments, and the money I have to pay every month because he is on probation...Not to exclude the attitude, the anger, the disrespect and the blatant rudeness - The way I see it, his Dad made this bed and it is time he gets to sleep in it.
Agreed. Time for consequences.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thank you my friend...I am beat however I am at peace...
Once I made the decision, I knew that even though it was harder then anything I have ever done before, that it was the right thing to do.
S seems to think that living with his Dad will be nothing but shopping and fun (because that is what he does with him when he actually spends time with him)...
They both have a rude awakening coming...
I have a call (actually my 3rd) into his PO and I want him out by Sunday - Since he is court ordered to the house, we have to have a judge get into this act...
I can't take another sleepless night wondering if he is going to harm me or the little one while we sleeping...
I can say that I would think he wouldn't go that far however I cant say that with 100% certainty and as his Mother, that is devastating to me, and before this day I have never felt like a complete and utter failure in just about every department however today I can say that I do.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
((((Serenity)))) That does sound like what you need to do.... it is a "tough love" approach. You can communicate to your S similar as you would (and probably did) to H at the beginning of your sitch... "I choose you and this R but I won't be treated this way. If you can treat me with respect and love, I want nothing more than to have you live with me. I also love myself, and I need to take care of myself by not letting you treat me this way." Then he knows the door is open in the future if he can change his attitude and behavior towards you.
I agree this will be a wake up call for both S and H and maybe it is about time for both of them!
I feel for ya, girlfriend! My D18 is going through a tough time right now, as well. Acting out, irresponsible, spewing hatred at me (because I enforce consequences), etc... Luckily, or not, she's in her own apartment and going to a Junior College. I finally had to tell her to stop making requests of me, and stop putting me as her back-up contact re: lease, work, school, etc..., because I can't handle the constant calls w/bad news. I'm only responding to her when she's not asking for something. DONE!
So, I TRULY feel your pain!
14, huh? That's a lot. Is Dad capable of handling punishments, rules, etc...?
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
and before this day I have never felt like a complete and utter failure in just about every department however today I can say that I do.
I understand how your kids behaving in ways that don't reflect your beliefs and values can make you feel like you failed as a parent. They are not you and you are not them. I think there is more going on with your son then just "anger" at the situation. You Serenity are not a failure, you have a voice, you are a fighter for yourself, and you are not done on your journey. You can handle it. Take care of yourself.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
