Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Sandi, just checking in to see if you can help me with my latest developments in my previous post?

I really cannot understand my W at all lately. She can't even talk to me in person or on the phone but tries to be nice and talkative in emails to me lately. It upsets me that she pretends to care about me in one paragraph and then talks about the dividing our things, etc. in another paragraph. Does she not get that I am not happy with this situation and I don't necessarily want to be nice to each other if she no longer wants our M? What is it with this woman?

Since she left three months ago she has taken her name off most of our joint bills and doctor's accounts, forwarded her mail, taken a large sum of money from our joint account, talked with a L, wants to draft a separation agreement, wants a D, wants to go to counseling together for "closure" (more her than for me I'm sure), still has not really told me her reasons for leaving and wanting to end M, and can't (won't) meet me in person or talk to me on the phone, only emails.

Her personal changes since she left three months ago are changed her hair color, cut her hair very short, some new clothes, spending money on spa treatments (massages), new cell phone, new purse, blocked me from her Facebook account (I can't even see that she even has an account anymore), changed back to her maiden name on her Facebook account, and added several new friends from high school to her Facebook (girl and guy friends but mostly girl).

Who in the hell is this woman anymore? I don't even recognize her. I know some might be thinking she is having an A but I know for a fact she is not...can't say how I know but I know. All she does is go to work, go to where she is living now, go to the gym at night and then come home and she was posting to her friends on Facebook at night. What kind of life is that? She did the same basic things for the last several months here at home before she left/separated. She's not out there partying. I swear for the life of me I struggle to make sense of this everyday but I cannot. What has happened to my W? I still cannot figure out why she just walked away and didn't talk to me first or try to work out whatever problems she has with our M.

Ughh!!! This is extremely frustrating!!!

Sandi, my DB coach said to keep things friendly with my W. Said this would help my wife from possibly pushing away further. It's so very difficult to remain friendly when my W doesn't even want to work on M and can't even talk to me face to face without her family or friends there...she's acting very immature. What to do, what to do? Be friendly so as not to make matters worse or show tough love? W tells me that she wants me to take care of my health and wishes me good thoughts, hoped I had a good weekend, etc. Why? This makes no sense to me.

I guess none of this really changes the fact that I want to save our M and will continue to remain isolated from her, GAL, etc. Just frustrating to watch this happen and that my W seems to want to be friendly during this time. Many people I talk to who know about our sitch say that my W tells them we are separated and is very nice about it. It's almost like she thinks she's living in a tv drama. It also bothers me that I don't feel like I can work out at our local gym anymore because she is usually there every night. I was going to work out tonight and saw her car in the parking lot and I left...didn't want to bump into her again like last week.

Anyway, I had a great weekend. Did all of the things I wanted to do. Exercised, walked my dogs, went to church, went party Saturday night to watch football games, read a book, caught up on some sleep...a nice weekend.

Sandi, what do you think?

[mza8]

Sandi, if you get a chance to take a look at my last two posts and help me with your advice and comments? thank you

[gucci loafer]

I hate to break this to you, but it looks like nobody else is going to do it..

Your wife is interested in someone else. GUARANTEED..

You are in denial. I know you think you know that she isn't, but you are WRONG. Dead wrong...

This is how women act when in the midst of an affair. You have to understand that she would have no reason to hurry if there wasn't someone else. She would have no reason to not give you another chance....


You must stop being in denial. Go read TriDoc's thread. Go back to this past Saturday and see what he said about his wife. He was also in denial. He was trying to tell us that his wife went to Phoenix by herself and was not going to meet another man. Go read it.

He found out that he also was wrong. He was doing what you are doing. YOu are in denial. It isn't helpin you to say things like "I don't know how I know, but I just know." You DON'T know because I guarantee you are wrong. Women don't just up and do things ike your wife is doing UNLESS there is someone else.

[Gnosis]

Just had a brief look at your thread. Didn't go into much detail or read the advice given to you.

1) If you want to talk with your wife you do it FACE-TO-FACE. In other words you cut off all other communication with her. Texts, emails, phone calls. IGNORE ALL OF IT.

2) NO MC for the two of you while she is in walkaway mode. Get it? Why are you submitting to her every request.

3) Your wife doesn't respect you. You act like a needy, clingy little boy with her. She wants to be married to a man. So BE A MAN.

4) STOP REACTING to everything she does. Start preparing yourself so that you can start RESPONDING to her words and actions.

5) Don't let your FEARS control you and hold you back from doing the right thing.


You are letting her drag you around by the nose. She is leading you... you bow to her every whim. This has to STOP.

Lastly, I agree with what Gucci wrote to you. I don't know if it HAS progressed to an affair yet or not, but she is DEFINITELY out there looking.

This is the link to TriDoc's thread. READ IT.

Another thing I can tell you... the people here are here to help each other. They have spent a lot of time reading up on your situation and more hours writing out details responses to you.

Show them some courtesy and follow the advice given. You don't have to follow all of it. The good ones realize that we're only getting half your story which comes to only 25% of the entire situation. It is YOUR job to use your own intuition to discern the logic.

[Steve McQueen]

Many people I talk to who know about our sitch say that my W tells them we are separated and is very nice about it.

Something these 'people' are not telling you is when they talk to your wife and ask her 'why', or 'what's going on', she tells them, 'He just doesn't do it for me anymore.'

And, that she really is enjoying the single life.

I'd like to go back to something you brought up in an earlier post :

I don't know if my wife is a WAW or in MLC or both. We are both in our mid 30s with no children. I'm confused because my wife is acting so weird. As other have said on this board, I feel like shaking her and telling her to wake up.

Something or someone shook her up already and She did wake up. That is why YOU are here and she is NOT.

It really doesnt matter whether she's in MLC, or a WAW. You really do have to stop living in denial and hiding behind trying to figure out how these textbook terms apply to your wife. The fact of the matter is you got dumped. Several months ago. And not only has your wife got a taste of independence and freedom she is at the point she has realized she likes it.
Something more is going on that you do not know about.

She has moved on and life is good.

Read that again and understand the importance: She has moved on and life is good.

I am not picking on you, I just am not going to tell you what you want to hear. Because it is not the case. There is a reality to this situation. You must begin to face it to start getting ahead.

Look at what you wrote above :

Since she left three months ago she has taken her name off most of our joint bills and doctor's accounts, forwarded her mail, taken a large sum of money from our joint account, talked with a L, wants to draft a separation agreement, wants a D, wants to go to counseling together for "closure"

Her personal changes since she left three months ago are changed her hair color, cut her hair very short, some new clothes, spending money on spa treatments (massages), new cell phone, new purse, blocked me from her Facebook account (I can't even see that she even has an account anymore), changed back to her maiden name

OUCH! She is done, mza. She changed her address, changed her look, changed her hair color, changed her phone number and changed her name, these are things people do when they don't want to be found.

"I know some might be thinking she is having an A but I know for a fact she is not...can't say how I know but I know."

you have to say! tell us! is she obese? have huge goiter on her forehead? is she the cheerleader that can only walk backwards after getting the H1N1 vaccine? AIDS?

or possibly you haven't told us about something that you did that would make your wife run away and never look back.

Whats the Facts?

[mza8]

Gucci, thanks for advice. I will be keeping a close watch for an A. Let me clarify what I meant about knowing my W is not in an A. I know where she has been, who's she with and where she goes. That's all - can say for now...hope you understand. I do realize however, that I do need to be mindfull that she could at any time change and pursue an A. In the meantime I will not turn a blind eye to this possobility.

Gnosis, what you're saying makes sense. I agree with all of your points especially my reacting and my fear. I will not meet with her in MC for her closure. I believe I am starting to act on the advice of those who have helped me with my sitch on this board. I apologize if it doesn't appear that way. That's why I posted some questions for Sandi so I could get her advice before making any more mistakes.

I read Tridoc's thread and I understand why it looks like my sitch may have some similarities. I will keep my guard up for the A. I'm sorry to see any LBS have to deal with an A.

I appreciate all advice that I have been given and ask everyone to stick with me. I may be a bit slow but I am catching on.

Steve M, I think you nailed it that my W is independent and enjoying it. She is living with her sister and her family. She does almost everything with her sis. Her sis is married with children. My W didn't change her phone number. She changed back to her maiden name on FB only, she still has my last name on everything else. She has my last name as a reference in her FB account.

Last March my W was diagnosed with Diabetes. My W had been obese. The Diabetes scared her to death. Since last March she has lost over 100 lbs. Because she had to. She's also had heart problems because of her weight. My W is extremely self conscious about her appearance. Wanting a strange man around her would be near impossible for her right now. When she was diagnosed with Diabetes I did everything I could to be supportive. Went to the gym with her, went to all of her doctors appts. with her, learned all I could about diabetes, etc. You name it, I did it.

My W and I had many talks together about our future together before she left. I thought she was sincere. We were intimate many times the week before she left. It was like she just changed overnight. I now knw she felt this way for some time. If you read my first post you can see what my W and I went through for the past two years. I lost my business, we both went into bankruptcy, we were involved in litigation from company matters and our home was in foreclosure. All of these financial problems were cause by the loss of my company. Our M was great before all of this. I was so damned depressed for the two years after my company went under that I couldn't even function. It was extremely difficult for both of us. We thought our outside troubles would never end. We are both very nice people and we went through hell for the past two years. Good things happen to bad people.

So here we are now at perhaps the end of our M. I was very angry about what we had to deal with for the past two years. My W saw this and probably figured I wouldn't snap out of it. That's's where I am now, snapping out of it...it was a huge life crisis for both of us.

I guess what I am looking for and why I am here is not to ask why she left but to seek advice on what to do to save my M. I want a lifetime with my W and I willing to work damn hard to get it. I'm not someone who gives up.

So my questuon now is even if she is having or looking for an A, how does that change my ultimate goal to get my W back? Are you saying to give up because I can't do that.

[mza8]

How would you suggest I confront my W about a possible A? Again, I have no knowledge of any A but I don't want to be blind to the possibility either. She always denies it as do her friends and family. Do I tell her that I am suspicious that she is having one and why else would she not be willing to work on our M?

[mza8]

Sandi, just checking if you are out there and can catch up on my last few posts. Should I confront W that I want to know if she is having an A? Don't think she is but from what others have said I don't want to be blind to it.

[sandi2]

Sandi, my DB coach said to keep things friendly with my W. Said this would help my wife from possibly pushing away further.

I don't like to disagree with the DB coaches, but I don't see how you could push your W any further away than what she is right now. You have continued in responding to her emails and that doesn't seem to be working very well, so I go back to what I said before about no contact.

I do not think you should confront your W about being in an A. First of all, she would naturally tell you "no" she isn't having an A. Secondly, the two of you are S and she wants a D, so what would you do if she was having an A? I do not think you need to bring the subject up if you don't have any information/proof. If there is no boundary & consequense then what's the point?

The fact that your W has lost such a huge amount of weight probably has a lot of importance in this stitch. Was she overweight in high school? I'm thinking that here is a young woman who has made herself into a brand new body. She had a big scare and thought she might die, right? She was M to a man who had no job and was very depressed for a couple of years. She's looking better, feeling better, and ready for a new life with a new man. She probably wants to recapture some of her high school years or if she was overweight then....she may want to have a do-over (second chance).

I also think she's probably getting some ego food at that gym she goes to faithfully. If she's having an EA or more, that would be the first place I'd look (if I was looking), otherwise, I'd think it was an old high school secret flame who she never got his attention if she was overweight. Now, she may be contacting him via Internet.

Many things to think about but I believe it would be best if you didn't dwell on any of that stuff. Don't stick your head in the sand, but don't make yourself sick about something you have no control over.

As far as what I would advise you.....I go back to what I said in the beginning. Leave her alone and work on the one thing you do have control over....you. It is up to her to decide if she wants to reconcile. I think she has a lot of things to work out. I think if she were to go back to you....it will take a long time and you will have to make a lot of changes. It's not just you changing....but what she is going through.

She is being nice in emails b/c she wants you to give her what she wants. Tell her you will not agree to anything she want unless she can meet you face to face--and that until that time....you will not be in contact with her. Then stick to your word and stop responding to the emails.

I believe she will go for a D and you won't talk her out of it. I believe your only hope is to make yourself into the best man you can become and stop pursuing her. Let time do its work on you and her. Hopefully, she will see what a treasure she has in the new man you (will) become. If you will move forward with your life, it will be the best medicine in the world for you. Believe in yourself.

[mza8]

Sandi, thank you for continuing to check in on my sitch. To answer your questions, yes, I believe her weight loss has a lot to do with sitch. She was overweight in high school but not nearly as much as she became during our M. She always had a huge complex and insecurity about herself because of her weight. She did get very scared when diagnosed with diabetes last year. I'm sure she is feeling great about her new self. I believe she started to change about the time she was diagnosed last year and started losing the weight...about 9-10 months ago.

We belong to the same gym and have bumped into each ther at times so I'm not sure if she would take that chance to contact possible OM there. She usually goes to gym with her sister now. It's possible that she might be trying to reconnect with old HS friend on FB/internet. I guess if I knew for sure she was having a possible EA/PA it might change my goal of reconciliation with her...don't know for sure, would have to really think about that.

I did set a boundary that I wanted to stop the emails and at least begin to communicate via phone. She began calling me a couple of times today and no emails. We played phone tag and left each other messages, just about bills, etc. She was a bit upset in her second message about wanting to split up the bills ad she didn't want to pay for our joint bills. Her thinking right now is so messed up and she is not being fair with things. I am holding my ground though. In one of her emails this week and in one of her phone messages to me today she told me that we are both having a difficult time with this sitch. How is the world is she having a difficult time? She seems fine to me. Don't know why she said this twice this week?

I am leaving her alone and living each day for me now. Some days I feel like I'm losing my love for W and that worries me. I know how much I love my W but at times I'm not sure why at this point. I guess because I think that my W might still be in there somewhere. Still will never understand why she felt this way for a while and never told me. I was asked if I ever had a feeling my W felt this way and I knew we had stressed because of our outside circumstances but never thought there was a problem with our M...guess I was totally clueless...