H4L the fact that you gave him time to sort himself out he will have appreciated even though he is never going to tell you that lol! Bet because you hadnt answered he was already for another H4L bunfight and you threw him by just explaining you hadnt got it.
He does appear to want to be in control a lot and maybe thats because he feels so outta control, his feelings are raging around inside him a bit like us all as teenagers, and teenage boys struggle to get their feelings out and if they never learn too grow into men that cant vent their feelings until they just spew them out in anger!
Well done for keeping calm hun, especially if your background makes you feel uncomfortable, an old old habit of mine that a good friend pointed out to me and help me cure was the being on the "defensive" she noticed that if I felt cornered I'd come out in "attack mode" it grew out of the fact that I had and still have a scheming little sister who always lied and got me into trouble so I got used to defending myself. The other habit she nipped in the bud was me being rude about myself before someone else did, again my parents always thought they were being funny with their teasing and joking but they were being indirectly spiteful. We all have things we can change and it feels good to change things so embrass them rather than fear them!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Hope, I'm glad the temporary drama seems to have worked it self out with some time. After your talk with him the other day I was going to warn that he might pull back or do one of the other alien behaviors. That whole 2 steps forward, one step back thing.
Maybe subconsciously that was part of his problem over the weekend and maybe you were even subconsciously expecting it so when he showed any sign of it, you fed off it. I'm glad you've learned to leave things alone though and see how they play out after a day or so passes. There is no better way to show him that things have changed than that.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
@rr22 - MC is the only place we have been able to discuss since the bomb. It's truly a miracle in my eyes. My H was totally shut down before that - no talks at all.
@RW - thanks and like you I struggle with how much of my own cr*p to own up to vs. holding H accountable for his verbal and emotional abuse.
@ LR - ODP in effect! Again in MC today H brought up that since he met me, he never had a core sense of safety with me because of my "unpredictable blowups" (well I could say the same of him, but that's a separate issue). So here I am nine years later finally hearing him and trying to do better. I am in a funk due to the guilt - like you I go into attack mode. This is where it gets sticky, as I referred to above with RW - I would fly off the handle - often as a reaction to what I felt was emotional or verbal abuse from H. SO THAT DOES NOT JUSTIFY MY NEGATIVE ACTIONS. But it doesn't excuse his either. Perhaps if I wasn't with someone who brought up the same feelings of shame and rejection as my parents did, I wouldn't have been so reactionary. On the other hand, perhaps if he was with someone not so emotionally sensitive, he wouldn't have been so reactionary. Who knows All this going back to the beginning feels academic to me. I want to know what we can do now. But H wants to look back to understand the patterns and the core issues, so I've agreed to it.
@Freckle - He can't see yet how horrible he can make me feel. But he can see my inner attack terrier emerge when threatened. So unconsciously he may have been egging me on in the same old ways, to get me to fight back in the same old ways, but I did my 180! I don't know whether he noticed or not - like LR said he won't admit it.
And yeah, that's pullback! But I kept myself pointed ahead.
I hope I will over time show him the changes. Promises mean nothing when you're on the brink of D.
And, I wrapped up the session pointing out a negative pattern of H's that has evolved into great pain for me throughout our M. It only got 15 min. at the end of the session so I'm not through with him! But that took enormous courage that he wouldn't blow up at me and just threaten D! He started ever so slightly to open up to hearing what he did - still in the justifying it stage, but it's waaaaaay better than denial!~
Basically he ended up admitting that he feels uncomfortable with something in our R, goes along with it anyhow, then blows up at me for not "just knowing how he wants/expects me to act."
Well I'm so glad he had that insight. That took courage. But that opens up a huge can of worms for me - the constant scrutiny I feel to "behave how he expects me too" is both H not communicating, then feeling put down for not mindreading, then feeling belittled for not acting in a way he feels is perfect...and to top it all off, a hostile blow out at the end as the grand prize! I am going to be bringing this up next week.
H4L you need a huge pat on the back hun, you ARE getting this sorted out, but allow your H as much grace as you allow yourself to get to grips with changes. Old patterns take a long time to change and even more so to accept. Will add more later x
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Tell me whether or not I'm crazy. I get a better feeling when H is around. Better eye contact, more laughter, meals are quieter, and most importantly - when he gets that irritated/annoyed tone or raises his voice, he tries to soften it. (SAturday excluded lol). Asking me for help calmly instead of shouting orders.
He must be hearing me? Or looking at himself? Or feeling better? I don't know WHY but these little things mean the world to me. Either I expect too little (I'm crazy this means nothing) or signs are pointing to progress.
I was in serious panic attack mode from his anger and demands last year, these things mean an enormous amount to me.
Basically he ended up admitting that he feels uncomfortable with something in our R, goes along with it anyhow, then blows up at me for not "just knowing how he wants/expects me to act."
Admitting that was my first step.(about a year ago) I have come to realize that this is a self-destructive behavior. I had experimented with sharing feelings and talking about R expectations since then, but did it totally wrong. (similar to the picnic for WAS) Just today I think that I reacted differently possibly for the first time. My W started telling me how our S3 normal routine went when coming home from 1/2 daycare. It really bothered me b/c I felt like her child, so I calmly sat down and said "When you tell me x, y, or z I feel . . . She started crying. Reading your post gets me thinking that she has been waiting for me to do that for so long she didn't know what to say.
I say all that to show you proof that people can change. I hope that he continues to do so.
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
You're not crazy but you might sabotage yourself by noticing his emotions too much. It will make you reactive and scared if you are not careful. Or at least it does me. Acknowledging the baby steps without getting in panic mode if they disappear seems key. Hope it is humanly possible!
