you can't constantly knock someone down without getting it back
this is where you will lose your M.
is that what you are wanting? I wasn't thinking so.
your H has it right, you guys are on the same page. your doing the same things to each other.
Look, YOU are the one who is with us, YOU are the one who has the control, and YOU are the one who can get your M back.
are you willing to do it? Are you not seeing the huge signs that God just gave you???
you just told Gno those 3 things you needed, and your h GAVE THEM TO YOU THE NEXT DAY!!! OMG!
are you hurting? well duh, everyone on here is, but this is in your lap. If you don't let go of your resentment, then your not going to succeed, and that makes me so very sad. I want you to feel what I feel. I want you to get past all this and have a wonderful M. Is that what you want? Do you want it for your kids? Then you have to bite your tongue and get to work.
What ST said... is EXACTLY what I've told you before.
There you have it Luv... opinions from both sides of the sexverse
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
The problem with (generally speaking, not you per say) knocking somebody down then giving it back is the power struggle you both create.
Once a power struggle is established it is *very* hard to break. SOMEBODY has to change the dynamic and it will most probably have to be you.
When you (again, generally speaking) you don't feel heard communication tends to break down. The breakdown is different for everybody but not being heard = self protection and self protection = trouble.
My MIL was a great lady. She didn't have the easiest childhood. Her dad died when she was young and her mom was an alcoholic that spent most of her time with sleazy men. My MIL's sister is a few years older than her. My MIL was very close to her dad and not at all close to her mom. It was the opposite case for her sister.
My MIL and her sister are both in their 60's now, their mom has been deceased for close to 40 years and the power struggle over the R's with their mom still exists between them. Instead of discussing it and coming to some resolution they keep the power struggle alive by "knocking one another down". It is a very sad and very destructive R. The literally will go months w/o talking as they both feel "the phone works both ways and why should I call first" and when one of them finally swallows their pride and calls, all they do is hit one another below the belt.
40 years of "back and forth" and "knocking one another down" for what? How much longer should this go on? How can it change? Well, ONE of them could take a few steps but neither of them will.
When you are locked in a power struggle it is very hard to embrace the good things. Don't let the good things be buried under nonsense. What is more important? Rebuilding your very long term marriage or planning the next comeback you can throw at your H when he throws them at you?
Also, your H has expressed an interest in working on your R. That will not happen overnight.
We all know (even him) most R's improve when communication improves. There is nothing wrong with setting a boundary when your H says something rude, hurtful or disrespectful. A healthy boundary will serve you better than a comeback even if he started it.
Fun, laughter, joking and teasing are really fun parts of marriage. How can you live with somebody for 20+ years and not be able to joke. IMO one cannot. There is a time and place for joking and when you are trying to salvage a M it can be tricky to not always feel on the offensive.
Now that your H has expressed interest in working on your M what will you do next? HOW will you do that? I am not asking for an answer, just something to think about.
In life it is very important to know what you want. Once you have decided though it is equally important to have a plan on how to get there.
CG - we usually have alot of fun and laughter in our marriage - we joke and love to hang out with each other - that's why we've been married this long. I know neither one of us have been too happy with the other lately but there are still times we laugh.
Although H has expressed interest in working on the M his actions and demeanor seem otherwise. I am a little confused by this weekend once again. I just don't know.
I know one thing - I'm going to listen to you guys - I know I have to stop the negativity.
In the end - it's what's gonna make me ok with me - with or without him - so I do get it.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Monday was weird - we argued a little here and there - like butting heads over comments made - I tried to resist it but I fell into his trap a couple times.
The day ended up being ok - we went to lunch - he complimented me on my watch (he got me this cool black movado watch for christmas) that it looked sexy on me. I said thank you.
At the table he kept bringing up his trip to WA he had been on and what a good time he had (I was resentful cuz he didn't call once!) but I tried to suck it up and listen.
He said, "why don't we go home and listen to some music" I said, sounds good. We came home and hung out - had teenagers strewn about the livingroom studying for finals so we couldn't really do anything BUT....
I went into the room to put some pajamas on to relax and he came in and locked the door. I was opening up my pajama drawer as to keep putting my pjs on and he dropped his shorts....so
We watched a movie together on the couch and he sat close to me. I pet his head and he said, "i have stress." I'm so over that comment jeez guys but I didn't say anything.
I'm getting ready to go pick up my best friend at the airport - I'll be glad to have her around.
Thank you to everyone who has commented and offered their time and valuable opinions.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
H back to work and home but distant as ever! I picked up my best friend so she was here. He came home a little earlier than normal but was really quiet. My friend tells me this morning she notices his distance.
This morning he got up really early and I just had a gut feeling he is up to no good. It's a terrible feeling.
He is going on another bank closing and leaves tomorrow morning and will be gone for a week...once again. It is my older son's birthday this sat - he wasn't around for my younger son's bday and now not this one. It just seems nothing is important to him anymore.
I'm really happy my friend is here but I know she can see my unhappiness. I'm trying to stay upbeat. Say a prayer for this frustrated wife!
Luv
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
this is not something that will be fixed right away. Some of us have DB'd for many months. I DB'd for 3 months really, but it really went on for several months after he came back. And truly, DBing is something for life. it's not something you do and then quit, it is a learned character.
Perhaps make some short term goals for yourself, and then you reach that term and say, okay, I can go for another month and re-evaluate.
plus, remember when I said that when things get better, they can follow with some bad behavior. The WAS tends to go up and down because they are afraid to put themselves back in the M all the way. It's partly subconscious IMHO. But that is why it is SO important for you to be consistent.
Have tons of fun with your friend in town, and don't let your H's actions change how you feel.
Maybe when he's gone this time, go out with your friend one night and send a text saying how much fun your having.
keep your chin up, keep those negative thoughts out and positive thoughts in.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
When you are locked in a power struggle it is very hard to embrace the good things. Don't let the good things be buried under nonsense. What is more important? Rebuilding your very long term marriage or planning the next comeback you can throw at your H when he throws them at you?
I'm not caught up on your situation, but CG makes a really good point. Maybe all the hurt and confusion that you're feeling right now could be channelled into something safer, like writing a letter where you pour it all out (then burn it!)? The more hurtful or dismissive comments you make, the more your H will want to protect himself and will treat you in a more callous way. I know because my H and I haven't treated one another with the tenderness that we both deserve for a long time. That's the stated reason for him abandoning our family life and a rich R of 17 years .
It sounds like you need to figure out what setting boundaries vs. self-protection means in your situation:
luvless: <frowning> you've been using your Blackberry all day! weekends are for family. [I see this more as self-protection rather than boundary setting] vs. luvless: <smiling> hey, could you put the Blackberry away? i'd love to just chat right now. [this is an invitation where you're making yourself vulnerable in a good way, and you're not making him wrong for checking his Blackberry]
I'm new at DBing so please disregard if my thoughts are off-base.
I wish you the strength that you'll need to continue DBing right now.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
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