I'm Baaaaaaaack!

[SirPrizeMe]

Hey everybody, I'm back.
Shout out to RTL, KerryK, FIB, Donna, and the rest who's stories I may know.

I've read a little about how you all are doing and I'm glad to hear things are ok with you. I'm especially glad to see that you all are still helping each other out; it's nice to see people continue those supportive relationships.

I'm not thriving; actually I'm in a pit and I can't get out. I think my divorce was final about a year ago. I lost custody, got the 4-days a month thing that is "standard" for men. Ex accused me of abuse, distorted my earnings, characterized me as dangerous, basically a hit job. I was so hopeful in December 08, when we were actually negotiating a settlement. We were so close. Then she refused, we went to court, and I lost. badly. I had let my attorney go, because I had run out of money. In court she asserted that this was a stalling tactic of mine, and I got saddled with her attorney's fees as well. $50,000.

The house was a casualty of the custody battle. We had moved 1 yr prior to her filing, to a house that had a mortgage 2x the prior house. When she filed we were (I was) still paying for the unsold previous house. So that was 3 mortgage payments. Then she alleged I was dangerous, and I had to get my own apartment to engage in the custody battle. 4x mortgage. Of course this bankrupted us. I pled with her to stop, but .. it did no good. So, the house went to foreclosure.

I was saddled with a monthly payment that was higher than my income. I have no idea how all this happened. I pled with the court, proved my income, but the Ex brought out fake numbers and they accepted hers.

After the court decision I had a breakdown. Nothing violent or scary, but I just stopped going out of the house. I haven't worked since then. Haven't seen my kids since before Easter. I keep in email contact, but I don't call them. I can't seem to call the house of that woman. My older son is either indifferent, or angry with me. He doesn't call or respond to my email. I've spoken with him twice in about 9 months, and each time he says he intends to keep in touch, and I propose things we could do together over email, play chess online, things like that. he sounds enthusiastic, but then nothing ever happens.

I am now a bona fide recluse; I rarely go out of the house. I rarely leave the room I sleep in. I rarely leave the chair I sit in. I haven't been out of the house since... before Christmas. I haven't worn shoes in a month. I shave once a week. I don't talk to anyone all day long. I'm staying with my sister, but she and her family are tired of me now. They've been more than patient, but they're done with me now. I fear I'm running out of friends. I'm looking into homeless shelters. I don't know where I'll go next. I'm afraid if I go to one of these places, I will never get out.

Friends check in on me every once in a while, but they have families, and jobs, and incomes and homes, and it feels like it has all passed me by. I don't have the courage to try any more. I don't like to spend time with them because their life of normalcy is something that seems so unreachable to me.

I've never been arrested before, always paid my bills on time, always responsible, saved for college, always was mindful of family situation when making career decisions. I graduated at the head of my class in high school, went to a good university, got an engineering degree, 3.6 GPA. I'm a smart guy, I did well at work, I managed a team of people, I was a leader and was a valued guy. I told the truth in the divorce proceedings, I did not falsely accuse her. I didn't cheat during the marriage.

But now I am a deadbeat dad, I have zero custody of my own children, "visitation" rights based on what the Ex says I can do and not do. I am an accused abuser, on the sherriff's watch list, no home, no assets, deeply in debt, less than zero net worth. I have been left with zero dignity and honor. I feel completely ruined and I'm certain there's nothing I can do to make anything better. I tried really hard and I ended up in this pit. This leaves me with no motivation. I'm certain that whatever I try, I will fail. This is very much unlike the old me.

I spend my days watching movies, or surfing the internet, or reading, or doing puzzles. I sleep maybe 3 hours a night. I am baffled.

I think about leaving it all behind, pretty much every day; the only reason I don't, the ONLY reason, is that I think it would unfairly saddle my kids with guilt and shame. But it would be a huge personal relief to me. People say "it's the coward's way out" but I don't care much about that. It's a way out. I know how horrible the thought is.

I don't want to scare you. I'm not on the verge of taking any action. LIke I said, I have barely moved in a month. There's no likelihood that I will immediately surge into action.

I also fantasize about moving to another country, and "starting over", whatever that means. But there's no chance of that happening either, since I would probably have to get out of my chair to make that happen.


I don't know why I'm telling you this. I don't really expect anything from any of you.

Maybe it's a tale of caution. I laid down the arms in the divorce war, and I got pummeled.