I know that I've come a long way, but to borrow a phrase that was used to describe something I didn't want: My H still has my leash. I still so desperately want him to come back to me, and to my family.
Last Thursday I woke up at 4:30 a.m. when S11 came running in mumbling something I couldn't understand. I followed him far enough to hear the water-----hitting the hardwood floor in the entryway. I knew immediately that there was a leak in the bathroom at the top of the stairs. I opened the cabinet, saw the water, and frantically worked to get the water shut off. I got all my towels to dry up the floor. I put a bucket out to collect what was still coming through the ceiling. I sent H a text to ask if D16 could come over to shower (since I had to turn off the main water). He said sure, he wasn't there---was at the office and then on his way to the city. Yes, it was 5:30, and very odd for this to be the case, but I didn't care. He then sent a text asking what was up. I told him. He asked if he should cancel his meeting. I said no. There was nothing else to do. When I realized that all the kids would need water to get ready, I sent another text to say they would all need to go over. He said take towels, there were no clean ones there. I went too, so I could shower and maybe get to work when things were under control.
I got them all ready for school. Got stuck in his driveway, because he hadn't shoveled any of the snow off of it. Had some icemelt in the back of my car. Spread it around all of my tires and got out. I got the kids to school on time and went home. I tried to call insurance company from home, but phone service was poor. So, I went to work and called the insurance company. I met the insurance man at 10. Called the plumber from my bad phone and the plumber was there by 10:40. I called the phone company while waiting for the plumber, so that job was being worked on. When the plumber checked things out and knew what needed to be done, I left. I called the lady that had painted after my remodel on my way back to work and asked if her brother could take care of the damaged ceiling (and then she could re-paint). I felt good about having it all under control so quickly. H sent a couple more texts checking in on what was going on. He said he should be done by noon, maybe he could be of some help then with cleanup. I told him it was all under control. He later sent a text asking if "the place would be inhabitable." I answered yes, the plumber had been there and the water was on. He didn't mention coming out to see. Maybe I should have asked, but didn't. I know he made the offer to help, but he also told me that he was done, and I've been living with all the responsibility since then and am used to it. After work I went home and took up all the towels and started laundry. I sopped up the water that had filled the bowl of the new light fixture in the entry way and I cut off the bulge from the ceiling to release the water that was there and get it all out in a controlled manner.
I wonder today if I should have asked for help. Was he trying to offer to help because he wanted a way in? There were some other things that happened over the weekend that made me think his feelings were hurt, or that I screwed all of that up, but I just don't know how to handle things with him anymore.
I sent him an email last night with some kid scheduling questions. I made a point to make sure there was no emotion, just business. So now, I wait for a response----not knowing what I will get. He does have my leash. I sit here afraid that something I said or worded about what they have coming up will piss him off and I will be getting yet another email telling me how done I am. I feel pathetic. Why does it matter to me? Why can't I get past this. I'm either so mad because of how he has reacted or handled something or scared that something I do or say is going to piss him off. I am pathetic.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I got a response to e-mail. All business. Breathing easier, but more angry with myself. I need to remove the collar, and thus the leash.......................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I hurt H's feelings last week by taking D16 to both of her softball practices. He let me know this by sending text early Sunday morning asking me to have girls at the gym for pitching lessons by 11:55. Now, he has always picked them up and taken them on Sundays (well, always when they are scheduled), so this suggestion that I meet him there was an obvious jab at how he felt left out. I also told him that I scheduled D16's follow-up surgery appt. I took the first available, and knew it would be at a time that he couldn't go----but after all, I assumed D16 would rather I go with her. BUT, H again was upset that I would assume this-----yes, it's a gyn appt., but he was sure that a post surgical appt. would not involve anything D would be uncomfortable about with him. In fact, there was a lot of talk about cycles and things that D looked to me to answer. I know that I made the right choice.
I just don't understand why he now feels like I'm leaving him left out of things like Dr. appts.-----I have always taken the kids to ALL of their Dr/Dentist appts. I think H has taken D16 to one appt. in 16 years. This has always been my job----but now, he sees it as me trying to keep him out of the loop.
I read so many posts about people complaining that their H's distance themselves from their kids, but my H seems to think there is some sort of competition going on, and that everything I do is some sort of slight to cheat him out of his time. I agreed to his schedule---he gets them 2 nights a week and every other weekend, but he has now assured that the 2 nights he has them there are baseball/softball practices scheduled and he does his best to fill the weekends up with ball----or now band practice. Since buying S11 a drum set for Christmas, he has made him part of the band----so I guess now ok that he has band practice on his weekends. THIS is because he wanted it this way. I remain more flexible than I think most people in my situation would be, because the kids come first. Sometimes D16 complains about how "crazy" dad acts, but he wants to spend time with them, so I agree to it all.
Most of the time it just seems that he's angry with me----nothing I do is right, so I wonder why do I try so hard to please him.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
It's his way of compensating for his insecurity. he feels the guilt of his decision and is trying to make it seem like he is still "there". Don't let it bother you.
Don't change routines for him or go out of your way to accommodate what HE wants. He is the one who made this decision, he has to live with the consequences.
It's his problem...not yours. Don't feel guilty about it. He's just going to use you as a scapegoat without taking personal responsibility. Don't let him suck you in to that.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
